i feel the need to wrap 2011 up in words.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

music: ella mae bowen: holding out for a hero

how do you even quite completely comprehend such grace and emotions.

sometimes i wonder if how i feel is real. sometimes i wonder if i can trust in men again.

music: kylie minogue: giving you up

music: boyce avenue featuring megan nicole: skyscraper

so adorable.

i could watch these victoria's secret angels over and over again and still be like amazed by their slender bodies and endless legs. what impresses me is their confidence and ability to make what can be deem as scanty outfits to seem so beautiful. they are living art strutting down the runway with such ease and femininity, making it seem so effortless and fun. almost goddess like i'd say they make being a girl so promising.

on another note, it's so sweet isn't it, seeing adam levine doing a spontaneous act of kissing anne v while she came on the runway. it was seriously a picture perfect moment, gorgeous.

music: adele: make you feel my love

i am surprisingly looking forward to a small and quiet festive season. happy december :)

music: janet jackson featuring kanye west: my baby

music: pussycat dolls: out of this club

i used to think that there would come the day when i found you and we would be at a party filled with friends. and if this song came on, you would pull me close in and we would just get lost in a slow dance with each other. it would be a moment where even though the room is filled, the only people we could see or bother about is just you and i.

I feel swamped and overwhelmed. I require a timeout.

music: drew ryniewicz: baby

music: melanie c: never be the same again

music: jessica simpson: i belong to me

you know what, i hate when i have all these uneasy feelings and i start to worry. screw it all, i shouldn't need to feel insecure because i know i can do better so screw all of you.

music: across the universe: i want to hold your hand

dear n, i remember when we were crazy over renting dvds at the small dvd mart just downstairs your place. almost every weekend we'd be picking shows together and then heading back up to your place to spend usually a lazy sunday afternoon away in each others embrace laughing or crying to whatever the show brought us to. it was simple and fun. we'd talk about the show after and sometimes it made us reflect on life together and sometimes it got us madly emotional that we would learn to appreciate each other more. then there were also times where i would insist in renting a scary show to watch at night just because i like it and you would make me stay over because you wouldn't be able to sleep alone in your room after.

i remember the bucket list, across the universe, the notebook and there were so may more...

we watched 'the notebook' the night before you were going for your rugby camp and for some reason or whatsoever, i got very emotionally upset and then i'd told you that i would love for you to be able to catch me one day as i run towards you and jump on you to give you a hug and a kiss to tell you how much i'ved missed you, just like in the show. i think it was then that i realize how much you meant to me and i didn't want to let you go. you then gave me a letter and thankfully it got me through the days without you.

it was always the small things that you did that got me weak in the knees and my heart bursting with all the love in the world. the cute scribblings and drawings you would leave me now and then, making me breakfast in the mornings when i stay over and just the feeling of knowing that you wanted me around to watch your games made me beam and contented. as young as i may have been, i knew it was right and i knew this was what i wanted. the good days were when we would laugh all day long and hold each other without a care at all as to what people may think of us and then we'd fall asleep in that comforting same position at night.

amazing how these memories stay with me after so many years, i don't know why either. i guess i've wished after it all ended that if only i had met you later in my life, maybe i would have seen the good in it all and learn to treasure it all the time. you see the thing with you was it was nice to be able to feel proud sitting in the stands and watching you play well during your games and having you did the same back to me. it was nice knowing that i had you to complete me because we could talk and you never ran away from anything. those were the good days, where i never liked cats but got used to tiesto being around.

music: katy perry: the one that got away

happy nervous thoughts with a calm self tonight.

music: parachute: forever and always

is it weird that i can feel so much for just a song?

'so what we get drunk

so what we smoke weed

we're just having fun

we don't care who sees

so what we go out

that's how its suppose to be

living young and wild and free'

-forever and always.

hello you, do you remember me? we were friends, good friends in fact but i have no idea to whatever happened to us. the distance is evident, the tension is weird and we don't even talk anymore. it breaks my heart, i've never had a friend come into my life and walk away. i treasure each and everyone of you and i still wonder what went wrong. i always will i guess, i miss you. i feel the hurt and it pains me to look at photos that we have together. those were the days when we all got along and shared laughters. those were the days when i felt like my life was complete because i had friends like you with me. but it was all gone too soon. i'll always be affected by you. they say that this is part and parcel of growing up and we all have to suck it up and move along. i'll always wish you the very best and i'll always be looking out for you. no matter how hurt or angry i may be at you, i'll always be more than happy if you come back. but till then, i've learnt to let go.

the true spirit of a lifesaver.

i started lifesaving when i was 15. it's been 7 years and the love for my sport has never once died out. i grew up to it and in turn, the sport taught me to grow. i cannot and will not imagine my life without lifesaving. it's in me and i will always want it to be a part of it. where i am today, it was through sheer hard work. all the efforts and commitment that i have put in and all the sacrifices that i have made was for the sport. i don't just love and live it because of the competitions. i do it because it's more than just a sport to me. it's a passion and a dedication that i live by, i really want to teach and educate, i want to save lives and try to make a difference. i am always ever ready and eager to learn. i've not just once put lifesaving before everything else. that's how much i truly love my sport. the essence to it all it's not just about winning all the time. i believe it's about practicing good habits and principles. you need an open heart, you need believe in it and be doing the sport for the right reasons. lifesavers don't walk away at the end of the day thinking that they are champions and they don't count the number of medals that they have won. true lifesavers walk away at the end of the day thinking about the process of it all, what had been done and what could be done better. they make friends and they help and share whenever they can. you see the pride in them when they are around their sport, you see their eyes light up and that smile will always be plastered on their faces. you see the pain, the focus and the determination to do well and you see the honest congratulations to fellow lifesavers after events. and it's not just about the competitions. there is so much more to lifesaving then just going up against each other and fighting to be the best. what's a lifesaver when he or she can't perform rescues and help others in need? If they aren't able to impart their skills and be able to want to learn.

everything that i do, it was with the thought of lifesaving in it. i breathe it, i need it because i choose it. i worked for it and i think that i deserved it. there will never be shortcuts to it and i'm sorry but there will always be 'lifesavers' out there that don't deserve my respect.

'but with what we have, i promise you that we're marching on'

music: mariah carey: bye bye

i don't want anyone to bid me farewell, to end a friendship with me, to leave me forever. 22 years of my life i've been through many ups and downs. where i am today, i know who my friends really are and i know who has and are gonna be there for me till the very end. i've put a whole lot of emotions into the life i have created for myself and whatever that i have done, i hope for nothing but the best for everyone around me. thank you for being there with me and always having the faith in me, you guys should know who you are :)

to finally be feeling like how i was way back while i was younger and in school, to finally feel the rush of excitement each time my phone rings or when i see you, the feeling is priceless. never knew i would get this feeling again, never did i think i would ever find anyone who would make me all nervously happy and excited all over again. it's old school, it's a warm fuzzy feeling, it's nice, sweet and adorable, it makes me go weak at the knees and smile endlessly to myself. it makes me feel hopeful, makes my worries go away and all i really wanna do is just kick off my shoes and lie by you, snuggle up to you and not have to worry or think about tomorrow at all. you make me feel wanted, you make me feel insecure, you make me feel like you care and you make me feel annoyed and confused too. but it's young love isn't it? didn't i feel this way back then? but then there's so much more to think about now that i am growing up. so much to worry and so much to plan. i hate it, i really do. i just wanna do what my heart tells me to and live with no regrets. but it is reality and there are consequences to face. i would try really, i always am that girl who takes that leap of faith anyways, but i don't think i can do this alone this time around so if you are willing, i would let you help me but if you decide that you won't, i will not fight for you because if this was worth it, i won't have to make any decisions at all. i won't hurt and i won't have to worry. i'll be happy instead. don't go breaking my heart like how everyone else did.

'you know i've been having dreams, dreams of my iron woman event. i am scared, i am nervous, but i want it so much. i have been training for it, i don't wanna fail myself, i don't want to fail others as well.'

music: adele: rolling in the deep

i shouldn't have bothered to entertain or try. i knew from the start it was wrong, that nothing good was gonna come out of it. i knew it, i could see it all but yet i betrayed myself and went ahead. because really i just wanted to feel normal again, to stop being so god dammit strong, to bloody hell be cared for and be happy. because I'm tired, very tired of doing everything on my own. because nothing ever really goes my way these days and because i can't understand why, why is it so unfair and what, what in me is possibly wrong. i hate you some how, hate all you damn fools for coming into my life. wished i never met you because i gave you all i could but you tossed me aside and broke me.

i wanna hate you, blame you and curse at you. i wanna hate myself for giving in, for letting go. i cause this hurt in me, i broke my own peace but what the hell i tried to try again, i tried to stop it but i failed myself and now i feel like fuck. i wanna tear everything up and cry it all out. i'm stupidly frustrated at everything, i just wanna be ok, to be normal what the fuck is that so much to ask for?

i'm trying to keep the faith and be hopeful. it's once again getting so hard to keep that smile on my face, each time it gets better i get skeptical that it ain't real but least i tried this time around, i tried to let the walls down. even if it was just that little bit, i know i tried. fuck this shit, I'm tired and so hurt i just wanna scream my cries out now. no one's gonna hear anyways.

music: train: marry me

music: paramore: the only exception

i don't know how but you still bother me. i have been keeping it together and it's been going good but now and then you still get to me, you eat into my heart all over again and make me hurt. i don't know how i fell so hard for you, i don't know how i cared for you way too much and i don't know how i let myself love you more than you did for me. i let you in, i don't know how i let that happen. i don't know how i'll really get over you. i want to, i really do because this pain is too much. it's stopping me really from opening the doors again. i want to find someone better than you because that's suppose to be easy because you weren't exactly perfect at all but why is it so hard. why can't someone else be my only exception now?

music: eric clapton: change the world

i remember when dada use to blast the music on real loud on the speakers on sunday mornings. i would eagerly and happily step on his feet and he would take me by the hands, hold me tight and we would dance around to the music just him and i. we would always be laughing, always smiling. i felt so loved and i felt so sure and safe with him around.

music: eric clapton: tears in heaven

you won't find music like this anymore. find me a man that has a soul this deep, find me a man who brings tears to my eyes with words so simple, who plays the guitar with such ease and soothes the mind. he takes his music to a level in which is truly a pure classic.

because you are my everything.

i miss you, i still do.

idontwannaspendanotherholidayaloneandreallybecauseimisshavingsomeonetobethereformeandshowermewithloadsofcuddlesandkisses.

weekend warrior.

SP biathlon 2011.

OSIM triathlon 2011.

I don't know if I am way done with my peak or perhaps I am a late bloomer but I feel good this year. I feel like I am pushing more than before and my mental strength has improved. I hope this maintains and motivates me much more. These races have become a form of escapism to me now and it's mad but I love the adrenaline it gives me. I feel more satisfied than before after each race and find myself craving for more to come.

Maybe it's because I truly am focusing on myself now, that I am giving myself the own attention that I should have done so long ago. But sometimes I do know that I use these races to mask my anger, irritation and hurt with whatever that's happened.

music: atomic kitten: someone like me

I've started my school break. It's been slow paced but I think it's doing me good. I let it slowly sink in that I don't actually need to be mugging hard for the next month or two and now that it's in my head, i am embracing it and am trying to get everything on track. I don't wanna rush but I know I can't take all this free time for granted too. I wanna use this time to focus on training too and I do hope that I meet my own expectations for Nationals this year.

Things to be done nicely this break:

(1) SI and Swimsafer certifications

(2) Stabilize coaching schedule

(3) Hopefully go back to work at BP once in awhile?

Things that has been planned and to look forward to this break:

(1) Bangkok with Sam and Saburi

(2) Redang dive trip

(3) Bintan with Christina

Things that are happening after my school break:

(1) Lifesaving Teacher course

(2) Lifesaving competition in Penang

I hope this little break from school will do me good, I gave up pushing forward my Professional Practice module to have this break and so I wanna make good use of it and return to school feeling fresher.

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe

music: atomic kitten: last goodbye

ain't nobody here to make it right because i couldn't seem to find a way for love to stay. if you have another night to give i would have another night to live.

music: beyonce: best thing i never had

i'll be the best thing you never had. for all that you have put me through, i believe in karma. what goes around comes back around.

you know you really disappointed me. but i cant explain why or how. you just did. i am upset now, i really am. this little mind of mine doesn't think simply, it thinks way too much. go figure.

music: one republic: good life

because i feel horrible tonight and i need a reminder of how wonderful life can be.

I have diligently sat down and sorted out my school and coaching stuff out. I counted the remaining modules I have left in school to take and it scares me now to really sink in and realize that I am half way done. It scares me that I have a choice now to either do my professional practice or not. I guess I could use 2 months to sort my life out, focus on coaching and take a break but part of me feels like i need something new to spark me on. it could change me, it could be what i need to spur myself on and feel the passion once again. i'm sitting on the fence and i need an answer soon. and sometimes, i wish i had someone to guide me to organize my coaching career path. it's always like i'm in the middle and all messed up. i need admin work done badly.

i could be gay all my life when i listen to adam lambert's songs.

One man in his time plays many parts.

-William Shakespeare

a feeling so extreme.

i find in me the inspiration to pen down my thoughts, emotions and goals.

i find in all of you the drive to inspire myself to press on harder and achieve better.

i turn to memories which we created as a team to keep me going on, to get me back up from the dumps and to fight on. i turn to the strength we gave one another to remind me that i am not alone and that i have a team who keeps the faith and will be there no matter.

i call you my team now, will always be, i hope you guys think and feel the same way too. this team right here gave me a fresh new beginning to see everything in a brand new light.

this team i love now, team singapore arafura 2011.

wish you never grow up.

oh darling don't you ever grow up;

just stay this little.

tranquility.

when everything seems to be a rollercoaster ride,

stop and take a step back.

look around and just watch.

take a breather,

you will realize it isn't all that tough at all.

one step and a time,

climb the steps.

in this road of life,

you only have yourself to hold on to tightly.

giving up would be throwing everything away.

if you could read into the future, would you do it?

would it allow you to run away and avoid bad stuffs that's to come?

would it make life better?

would you get what you want?

hello durban, south africa, i'll never get to meet you.

sometimes i wish that yesterdays never ended. i knew i wouldn't get selected for commonwealth games, i knew jolly well that i went for the trials out of sportsmanship and of course to meet up with the team but i guess now that the results are out in my face, it does stings and it does sucks to know that i am not going to durban, south africa. my heart feels kinda heavy and it brings a frown to my face. blahh...oh wells. however, i do sincerely congratulate all that has made it in and i do wish you guys all the best.

samantha halley.

dawn.

minhui.

sheena.

'the sun goes down

the stars come out

and all that counts is here and now

my universe will never be the same

i'm glad you came.'

LGBT; pink dot singapore

we don't pick what's to come, we shall embrace it all.

a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs.

it's a black out blur but i'm pretty sure it ruled.

last friday night

we went streaking in the park

skinny dipping in the dark

then had a menage a trios

last friday night

yeah i think we broke the law

always say we're gonna stop-op

whoa-oh-oah

this friday night

do it all again

this friday night

do it all again

inner peace.

what does that really mean?

i've settled, i've reflected and realize my mistakes and recognize my strengths. i know what i want now. i am sure, very certain that i am on the right path. so what do i still feel incomplete? what's missing? what's wrong? i feel at ease, but still fidgety now and then. i miss the affections that i got but i jolly well know that it wasn't right or good for me. it takes me alot of control to stop myself from giving in. i find myself frustrated, not understanding why is it that i still don't feel whole. i refuse to give up, i refuse to back now. i don't want to break down the walls i've worked so hard to build around. i don't get why people try to go after you but they don't make sincere efforts or even go the extra mile. i am worth it tell myself, if i mean that much to you, show me and i'm sure this broken heart of mine will try.

i don't know if confessions are worth making right now. a huge part of me wish i could one day tell a story of us but i really don't have a clue on what page you are on.

it's so early and i am so sleepy still.

i do think back at times to what i once had. i think of how i was happy with you and what we shared. i think of how now i regret not treasuring you and giving my best. it makes me sad, my heart is heavy. but then i tell myself it all happened for a reason. it turned out this way because something was telling me to pick up my pace and race to the right one. i may just be deceiving myself, i may really just be afraid to face the truth but i hope, and that's what gets me through now.

i wanna have my sunshining rainbow and unicorns day too. i wanna find you.

mermaid.

hey baby girl, i love you more than anything else in the world. you are my bundle of joy and colours of rainbow when i am down and out. stay with me long time ok?

i haven't blogged about my fabulous trip to darwin thinking that if i do so, it would be the final end of it all. stupid as it seems, i find it hard to pen it all down in words. no amount or kind of words can truly describe what i experienced in aussie. i'll get to doing it soon, i hope.

it's annoying how i'm afraid that i might just be falling back to my black hole again. i'm loosing focus, feeling very off track in terms of emotions. just about the only thing that perks me up and makes me feel happy and at ease is training. the other day i was out at sea paddling with some of the guys from team sg. it's been awhile and i still remember the first time i went out of the lagoon. the feeling was exactly the same, carefree. it was that easy to plaster a huge grin on my face. the waves took my worries away and i just didn't think of anything at all. i was in a moment and loving it again and again. we were just paddling, we were just talking and laughing. no thinking and worrying. time stood still and there we were, being captivated by mother nature.

i wish everyday was just like that. being simple and happy. no drama but just the sun, sand and sea. ahhhh...i wish i wish i was easy to read and you would know how i am feeling.

i am annoyed now because i didn't save the photos that team sg took yesterday before restoring my iphone. all gone. arrgghh. every moment is precious to me, you guys are precious. sigh.

is it alright that i feel lonely?

have a little faith.

i let those tears fall, i gave it my all

i fell the hardest, i found how strong i am

close my eyes, rest awhile, it's been a long long day

starry eyed surprise.

just know that you are not in this thing alone.

there's always a place in me that you can call home.

whenever you feel like we're growing apart.

let's just go back back back to the start.

anything that's worth having

sure enough worth fighting for

quitting's out of the question

when it gets tough gotta fight some more.

i fell in love with something so precious, myself.

you don't just wake up one morning feeling happy because of nothing. it's the things that you've gone through that shapes everything to how it is today. it may have taken far too long but i am contented knowing that all this while, i was running as fast as i could to my destination.

i've hit many bumps and bruised myself way too many times in the past but i could make it work now. i am glad and shall not be regretful of what i have gone through and experienced. if you have been nice to me and done me no wrong, always know that i appreciate you. but if you have wronged me and caused me hurt, i still appreciate you for you have made me realize and grew stronger.

i took a leap of faith and held it on my own. by myself, i discovered so much more.

i stretched myself way more and really am more confident and happy than before.

i am blessed that i have been strong enough to not have slipped into depression. i am thankful that with each tear that i've cried, i let go of unwanted hatred and anger. i see things in different perspectives and have so much more hope in me.

i inked 'hope' in hopes holding on to faith and getting me through ugly times. i made it.

i love my friends so much and i can never thank them enough for standing by me. now if i could only capture the attention of that one boy, i'm hoping that i will finally be complete.

i am very happy at where i am now. the past happened for reasons and i appreciate them all now because i ended up being stronger and better. i see so much more now and have learnt to handle things way better than before. i once upon a time gave everything i could, got my heart all screwed up and did stupid foolish things before but it's all good now. i did my part and if they didnt see and feel it, too bad. ive moved along and it really is your lost now. nothing that happened in the past bothers me now. i am looking ahead and never looking back. what lies ahead will be awesome now because i will make sure i make mighty right decisions.

too much of the good stuff isn't all that good at all. i thought i moved on to something better, where i would definitely do better and be as happy or if not happier. it might have been a wrong timing, it may not have been fated at all but it has got me confused. i know how reality usually hits one so hard that you get shaken and doubt yourself. it has hit me one too many times and i still can't get use to the harsh truths in life. i can't help time and time again that i am soft hearted, i give in easily and i care too much about what others think.

it may have been my fault for not being able to draw a clear line, but i've never meant for it to be bad. i'm sorry that i can never stop loving a team i grew up with, sorry that i'll never stop making new friends and build bonds with them. everyone is special in their very own ways and i'll create an everlasting friendship and love with whoever who appreciates it and wants to keep it.

the beauty in lifesaving is that it can be a competitive sport and yet at the same time, it can be a profession, a never ending learning journey where we can help and save lives. i've always respected the sport, being so impress that unlike other sports, the athletes here seemed more friendly and warm. i've never really heard of lifesavers being arrogant and snobby, walking around with an 'air' around them and that is what makes me really proud of the sport too. it really isn't all about winning all the time, but it's the experience learnt and gained.

i may have been affected by your words, but i appreciate your harshness. i shall take it and learn from it. i won't let it get to me now, i'll turn it around and make it positive. i deserved what i worked for. it may have been because of help from others but ultimately, i worked so hard for it on my own too and it was my chance and it was my time.

that medal i got, it was mine. it was what i worked for and no one can take it from me. and yea, i hope it shuts people up too.

it's time i focus and direct my energy and appreciation to those who truly cares and got my back no matter what.

i'll never ever get over darwin.

because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you over again.

a team like this is impossible to find.

i won't ever change my mind.

i guess maybe i wish you didn't even bother calling to wish me well. you didn't even care right from the start, so why bother trying to catch up all at once now. each time i hear from you, i can't help but feel angry some how. i don't wanna care no more, i'm putting all of it behind me. it's gone, over for good because i don't deserve what you put me through and how you treated me. i am not how you perceive me, always behind you and never better. maybe it's time you woke up and try to make things right.

hey mate!

I AM SO EXCITED NOW!!! THE TRAININGS WERE SO PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING AND I NEVER SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REST AND RECOVER. THEN CAME ALONG MY SCHOOL ESSAY ASSIGNMENT IN WHICH I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN GRANTED AN EXTENSION IN THE DATELINE SO I HAD TO FINISH IT BEFORE I FLY TONIGHT. THAT REALLY WAS MENTALLY DRAINING. DAY AND NIGHT, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL TIREDNESS. NOT TO MENTION, I STILL HAD MY COACHINGS GOING ON. I AM STILL HERE NOW, I PULLED THROUGH! I MAY NOT HAVE HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THE ARAFURA GAMES IN DARWIN AUSTRALIA BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BE NOW. I AM HAVING THE JITTERS, I AM NERVOUS, I AM BURSTING WITH HAPPINESS, I AM AFRAID I WILL MISS HOME, I AM PARANOID THAT I WILL FORGET SOMETHING, I AM GRINNING WIDELY AND I AM NOT STOPPING ANYTIME SOON.

WHOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

family; precious.

it's now or never, i am strong enough.

even if no one bothers or agrees, i can give myself a great pat on the back and be very proud of myself. i attended every training and i gave everything. i have overcome my fears and i'm not holding back anymore. i am going the distance, i am over stretching. i am doing everything and much more.

i don't think i have felt so exhausted from trainings before and i have definitely never felt so determined and sure of myself before at all. i am glad i made it, i am glad i stuck through everything.

my mind has been thinking that i have had enough, but my heart has been telling me don't give up. things do get better through whatever. if you fall, dust it off. i am my own miracle.

i dont know if it's the stress or whatever, but i just felt today that i wanted time with you, to me it would seem like you were being there for me, supporting me and showing me that you were proud of me. i was disappointed, i was piss, i was hurt. oh wells. now i just feel bad for being mad at you.

i am so tired. i am so exhausted. i am aching so bad. my muscles are so tight. i have so much work left. i am scared. i have so little time. i have too much on hand. arrrgghhhhhh.....

yea sure, there have been times that i wish i was someone else. many a times i feel insecure and unwanted. but then most of the time, i feel contented and happy with who i am. im not sure if my confidence scare people away sometimes, but i accept the way i am and i do love myself for me.

sometimes, i wish what i wanted would come true or go my way. sometimes i wish i can shake people awake and make them see how i can be wonderful. i hate feeling jealous or insecure. it kills me. it makes me wonder what about me that people dont like. why is it so easy for some while so difficult for me to find the right one.

you know i get lonely sometimes and i really need someone to lean on and hold me. there's only so much of independence and strong in me.

and sometimes, it sucks to see someone you are fond of belong to another.

being a tin man still sounds good to me. hmm.

rahhh excited much !!!

i was an idiot yesterday. i got my coaching dates wrong and travelled all the way to jurong in the afternoon. it was only when i was sitted on the pool bench did i realize it. stupid me, wasted my time totally. i could have used the time to rest more and finish up more work. sigh. i will never make such a stupid mistake ever again. lesson learnt totally.

side note, i thought you guys would now be better some how, like maybe realized that friends share the load sometimes, like help out to do things and plan things even without being asked. guess not. i may just be bitching and whining here but honestly, i just can't stand it sometimes. oh wells, no one said loving was easy. i would do all i can for all of you, but will you guys do the same in return?

music: taylor swift: never grow up

i am blonde no more but a brunette indeed.

i've got so many things to do and so much in mind. assignment, readings, emails to reply, coaching, coaching homework, trainings, birthday to plan, slideshow to do for the team. xxxxx. i'm very tired physically. even when my mind says i can, my body is too tired. i need to get so much done. sighh!!

'oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little

oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

it can stay this simple

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

could still be little

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

it could still be simple'

i am physically very exhausted. really. my muscles are too tight and too achy. just when i think i can catch a break and rest my body, i am at it again, training and training. it isn't stopping at all. i hope it'll pay off. i want to give it all i can, i want to reach beyond my peak. hang in there dear me, i can do it.

my friend, the soldier i salute.

hey jonathan,

thanks for inviting me to your social night. i got to admit, i was pleasantly surprised that you had asked me but nonetheless, i am delighted that you did.

i hadn't known what to expect, i was nervous that it'd be weird and awkward, that i wouldn't be dressed right nor would i be behaving and acting right. i obviously wanted to be at my best for you as this really was a well deserved occasion for your celebration and it should be perfect.

well, turns out, i was worrying too much and there really wasn't a need to be that nervous because your fellow officer cadets were such gentlemen and easy to mingle with. Now of course, most importantly, you were a charming partner the whole night through. you kept me company all the time and ensured i wasn't bored at all. as excited as i was to see you in your number 2 uniform that evening, you'd be happy to hear that i was as excited to hear all about your army life. you painted a whole new clearer picture for me to realize what you have been going through in camp and as such, i've really come to understand, appreciate and respect you so much more for everything that you have gone through and will still be going through, just for the country.

hey jon,

i may not have known you for long at all, may not have been your closest or bestest friend but thinking back, i guess i've seen you grown alot, from your boyish poly days to where you are at now. it's a whole lot of a difference really. they say that you guys become real men after you enter army, i agree with that. i saw a really smart looking soldier that evening, he was looking stunningly handsome in his uniform and immediately thoughts ran through my mind telling me how this solider has to have many good and positive qualities in him. my thoughts were right exactly. i thought back to how i've known you then and now and i saw the man in you now.

now, not that you were a rascal back then but you know what i mean. actually, you have always been a really nice and good guy in my eyes, always thoughtful about what others might feel and never failing to respect people. but right now, after what i have seen for myself, you are like way up a whole new level. very impressive indeed.

all those facebook statuses that you had posted pieced together and made sense after what you shared with me last night. i can see why you guys can hate army life so much but yet feel so proud of yourself after it all.

i truly am amazed by you, jon. i've never known you to be so determined and outstanding in what you set your mind to but now i know. right now, the BP gang all knows because you blew me away so much that whole evening that i had no choice but to sprout praises non stop of you to them. haha.

hey you,

if you read this, please don't be shocked at how i dedicated this blog post just for you. it's very like me to be expressive this way so my dear friend, be very delighted that this is for you. lol.

dear jonathan,

you gave me a chance to see what you have gone through and even gave me a perfect evening for me to remember. thank you and always know that i am so proud of you :)