because humans can be so mean and say the nastiest things.

because it can't be true, good things don't happen to me. because of everything that has happened, it has scarred me. never really knew how bad but i realize now. these walls, these walls that i have built they won't come down as much as i want them to now. and the people around me, i'm not sure that they can help me. because this monster i have inside of me, it holds me back, it controls my mind and it really fucks me up. i try to let go, i really try but it's so hard. how do people walk away just like that, how do people change all too suddenly. i'm scared that i'll mess you up, i am scared that if that happens we won't have what we have now anymore. i am scared of everything that's to do with you. if i mess up, i'll be ruining everything and i'll be picking up the pieces again. if i can prevent that why not right? but my mind's kinda hazy now and my feelings are way too strong. i'm letting you in but i'm so afraid, i don't know if i can trust myself to not mess things up.

how much do i want this? 


so bad that i've spent my life working up to it. it's like a dedication i sworn myself to and an dying passion that i live by. i may not have had a great start compared to others but i started from ground zero. i've built what i have around me today and i think i earned all of it, all through sheer hard work. never slacking off but only wanting more. 


i want to be surrounded by the right people, the kind who will push me to be better and support me on my journey. the kind who believe in me and the kind who will always have that confidence in me. i trust people, i don't need you to spoon feed me but i just want you recognize what i have done and will be doing. it's important to me that people see what i do because one day i want to be an inspiration. 

music: ed sheeran: small bump

songs like this make me feel like everything really is gonna be alright. 


makes me think of a sunny breezy day and all is see around me is the blue sea, fine sand and green grass. 


i am just lying there with ease with a smile on.

music: natasha bedingfield: weightless

i trust enough to share,

care enough to make the effort,

feel enough to want to try

and wake each day in hopes that it'll be better than before.

23rd.

pleasant surprises.

days like these make me feel like for all that i have done and gone through and held on to was worth it. that real friends and sincere people still do exists. helps me to keep hoping and keep the faith. gives me the strength to go on and make the best of life. because i live for not just myself but these friends. they gave meaning to my life, left imprints that created the chapters and memories. thank you for everything and for as long as i can, i'll do my best to be there all the time :)

missed you bff.

music: meredith brooks: bitch

funny how you've always looked up to people and could possibly see them as the world. you wanna be just like them, following in their foot steps and aim to get where they are.

what if your task was to be part of them and once you got that you realize it doesn't feel all that well. something seems missing but you tell yourself that it'll get better and that all that pressure is good for you.

and then something happened and it leaves a scar. the one person that your trusted all the time to be reasonable and nice suddenly uses a different tone and body language to speak to you. it makes you confuse and flashbacks appears. it makes you scared and then suddenly you stop to think that could it possibly just be that the people have changed and things are different now? perhaps they aren't the same as before and they are no more who you aim to become.

greatness doesn't get you all that far. you may be strong and the best but what's the point of it all when you do it without an aim? with no passionate direction is like having a mindless plan. you don't go into depth of it all but simply choose to stick on the surface.

maybe this is what it has become. maybe i grew out of it and somehow i am telling myself that i should follow my heart.

music: natasha bedingfield: strip me

me time, i don't think i have much of that at all and perhaps that's why lately i've been feeling all flustered and too much of on the go. too much things that i'm trying to get settled and maybe just too much to juggle all at the same time.

i guess being alone, i expect so much more out of myself. to be more efficient and organized, that's definitely something i expect that i should be now. so when i think i've had it all worked out and planned and then suddenly something comes along and just screws it up for me, i really am upset and disappointed.

dejected maybe? i'm not sure. i've always been revolving my schedule around school. I mean after that is and should be my priority. so when they postponed the exam to the following week, as speechless as i was, i couldn't complain. for one, i do have more time to study now but the thing is it really screwed my diving plans over.

i've been wanting to go on the rescue diver course for awhile now and maybe it was because i really was looking forward to taking it and as well as to just get away from everything, i was angry and then upset and then just really really disappointed. it affected me very much.

suck it up now, life throws lemons at us all. sigh.

music: across the universe: all my loving

each time i watch a movie, i get so wrapped up in all the emotions by just putting myself in their shoes and imaging how it would feel like.

the feeling always sucks.

because they said that all we needed was love.

what if that's not true?

this is still it.

i'll keep this for someone else because you threw it all away.

music: the script: breakeven

i hate you kenny chong. for all that you have put me through, for all the lies and for everything that i have wasted on you. you don't deserve to have me. i was stupid and i still am because you still hurt me but i will delete you off my life.

music: adele: someone like you

sometimes i feel like i think too much, expect too much, demand too much, be strong too much and fear too much. and with all that said, when i crumble i break down into loud wobbly sobs that can go on for a long time. the pain can be excruciating and can make me feel ever so alone. no one deserves to ever feel the way i feel. i think that i am on the right track in life, think that i am doing my best to focus and doing my bravest to be independent and have no one by me. i'm afraid to be broken again, afraid to feel the heart break and heart ache all over again. i wish to learn trust again, to let loose and let someone catch me again. i want to feel the warmth of another again and i want to stop being scared and scarred by my past and memories. i don't wish to be haunted forever by what others did to me. i will keep moving on and get better but life gets a little tiring sometimes and it'd be nice to have someone like you.

don't burst my bubble?

music: mary black: once in a very blue moon

baby girl.

life without you would suck. you are my precious, my princess, my buddy, my love. you love me back without fail all the time and give me furry hugs and let me kiss you on the head. i love you today, tomorrow and forever.

y.

you make me wanna take care of you and fuss over you.

you make me feel like if we had chances, you could take me on adventures.

you are down to earth and realistic about things.

you may seem to have a cold and hard exterior but i see the vulnerability inside.

you are so adorable to me, i wanna just pull you in and hold you close because you're so cute in so many unspoken ways.

your attraction to me however, is it real? will it last? is it just a sisterly love?

it makes me wonder and it makes me scared to know perhaps i want more.

are we on the same page?

i'm just being a girl.

i'm not a shopaholic nor am i a die hard brand conscious person but these bags are so gorgeous i want them!

celine luggage tote bag.

louis vuitton shoulder bucket bag.

chinese new year 2012.

chinese new year is one of the occasion where families gather and there will be endless supply of glorious food, laughter, looking good and of course angpows!! i guess what's most important is the togetherness of it all, you feel home and belonged, you feel wanted and loved.

my new year resolutions to put it simply,

(1) delete any negativity in my life.

(2) focus on school, coachings and trainings.

(3) treasure and bask in the love of my family friends and the little and simple things in life.

so what if i don't find someone special to share it with, i've realize that i can do it alone because i've never really been alone in life but in fact i have all this lovely people and great happenings going on around me. i see it all right now.

our annual louhei by the pool sure i getting bigger and messier with more people joining us :) this team that i call my 2nd home never fails to make me keep the faith and push on.

cny is one of the few occasions that is ok to fuss around and look pretty and nice haha. no one's gonna really judge you for it all.

and because my relatives and my family aren't close knitted, we don't get to see each other all the time so when i do see my little cousin and nephew especially, i am amaze at how time really flies and they are all growing so fast!

and of course cny isn't complete without the huge spread of endless food and drinks!

it's really interesting and nice to see how old folks still treasure the cny tradition so much and really do up the place and ensure that the goodies are bought for loved ones to snack on.

friends open their houses up and invite you to their homes, nice gestures, even nicer to just be merrier and spend some quality time together.

and of course the gambling! it went on and on and on, too bad i don't gamble, no interest at all.

another great thing about cny is i actually bother to clear, clean and decorate my stuff again and all the receiving of angpows!

i enjoyed myself this cny, it was tiring but i treasure every moment of it.

fixie.

oh so beautiful babies where have you been all my life. haha. they are all really pretty and cute but my real baby is right here.

my wish to finally make the switch from a mountain bike to a roadie came through last december when i put my words to action. i found you love, i made the change :)

music: britney spears: criminal

i feel the need to wrap 2011 up in words.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

music: ella mae bowen: holding out for a hero

how do you even quite completely comprehend such grace and emotions.

sometimes i wonder if how i feel is real. sometimes i wonder if i can trust in men again.

music: kylie minogue: giving you up

music: boyce avenue featuring megan nicole: skyscraper

so adorable.

i could watch these victoria's secret angels over and over again and still be like amazed by their slender bodies and endless legs. what impresses me is their confidence and ability to make what can be deem as scanty outfits to seem so beautiful. they are living art strutting down the runway with such ease and femininity, making it seem so effortless and fun. almost goddess like i'd say they make being a girl so promising.

on another note, it's so sweet isn't it, seeing adam levine doing a spontaneous act of kissing anne v while she came on the runway. it was seriously a picture perfect moment, gorgeous.

music: adele: make you feel my love

i am surprisingly looking forward to a small and quiet festive season. happy december :)

music: janet jackson featuring kanye west: my baby