music: pussycat dolls: hush hush; hush hush

sometimes once upon a time was meant to be left behind, far away in the past when it would be buried and be kept as merely a memory.

once upon a time we had it all. once upon a time we were happy. what happened to us? time made us grew apart and grow up. does that mean our feelings change? maybe it has for you because i'm pretty sure of where i am.




xoxo

music: beyonce: halo

just 2 days into uni life and already, im finding it hard to digest what i am learning. i knew it was science i was taking. i knew jolly well that back then, i had flunked my 'O' level science. i knew that i had a diploma in sports and leisure management and not sports science. i knew it was going to be a challenge but a part of me told myself that 'hey, this is sports science and somehow, one way or another i do have interest in sports science.' i told myself that it was going to be different kind of learning experience where i would learn and find it awesome to know more about sports science. i guess i knew what was coming, but i knew i wanted to try.

im not saying that im giving up now or whatsoever but im just saying that it really isnt easy for me somehow. everything that i am reading, learning and seeing, it's all new to me. i have never ever known anything of it at all. but im saying that it's worth a try. im saying that i want to try and i want to give it my best shot.

im saying that as much as i feel sad and alone on certain days, i know now that i can force myself to be busy with studying.



xoxo

the part where the end starts.

i'm sorry that i can't help being angry and upset still that it ended the way it did. i'm sorry that i tried so hard to be so perfect but it didn't work out. i'm sorry that you felt you weren't progressing with me; that you weren't able to gain or learn anything from me. i'm sorry that i tear myself to sleep sometimes cos' i couldn't understand why you were never really truly proud of having me and treasuring and apreciating what i've done for you. i'm sorry i tried to accept the fact that i wasn't the top priorities in your life because i knew how much more important the other things in you life were. i'm sorry i invested so much in you and stayed faithful. i'm sorry i morphed into this girl i never knew i was capable to be. i'm sorry for all the endless late nights where i waited in the cold for you. i'm sorry i grew up faster than i felt i should because i felt the need to match you. i'm sorry that i gave myself excuses and reasons to calm myself down when i got paranoid. i'm sorry that you never gave me security. i'm so sorry i got comfortable with having you. i'm so damn sorry i loved you and still do. i'm really sorry i learnt so much and hurt so bloodly much. i apologize for just being me.

music: craig david: rise and fall

i can't believe how time flies really. in a week, i will be an undergraduate of UWA and soon, i will be your typical mugging student all over again. months of playing around will be over and the nasty reality will be hitting me harshly once again. the books, yes the dreadful books! and examinations will be part of my life again. i can't say i'm looking forward to that but i can say that i am looking forward to moving on. a fresh start in a way and a better me, perhaps?

it's been close to a month of having lost you, but hey baby, i guess i'm getting better each day. i have the sudden pangs of sadness and missing you but i'll get through it some how. time heals i believe, but how much i really don't know. life is unfair as we all know. things happen for reasons and we know that all too well. but when will things be perfect? when will things reach satisfactory level and people will truly be happy?

i find myself still so doubtful of myself at times. i hate this feeling of uncertainty in me. at my age, am i not suppose to know what i want and should do? i don't wanna be crashing down once again. i keep saying that i've had enough, i keep telling myself to build that wall around, that wall to protect myself, to ensure no more mistakes but really, how careful can one get? have i really learnt? i thought i did. i thought i grew up. did i not now? sigh.

now perhaps i need time to figure myself out. but there is so much to hold on to. i can't let go and be selfish. i cant't just think only for myself. that's not how i am.

i still miss you in many ways. i still get angry at times. i still find it hard to understand why i wasn't able to be the one for you. i thought i tried, i thought i was worth it. now i guess i thought wrong. things have to go on doesn't it? you have already moved on without me.

and then there's you again, southpark. honestly, i'm letting you in once again. i wanna trust your words but i'm sorry if i am finding it hard. you should know why. i pray that you aren't repeating your mistakes again. i promise you a change in me and i'll show you what i've become. please don't break me like so many have.

sigh really, life and the ups and downs of it all. i've been back to reading lately again and gosh i think i may have chance upon a book that i feel is so close to my heart. 'straight taking' by jane green is an awesome read to any other girl i'd dare say because really, it feels so real, exactly like how a girl would feel and act when dealing love and life. it makes me feel so thankful for my friends really, be it the girls of the guys. no matter how much i may be a bitch at times an perhaps ignore you guys, please understand? please be patient and know that i will come to my senses and be back again? i love all of you, each and everyone of you so differently :) trust me enough to know that i won't be away for long will you now?

jocelynn
hey babe, i never thought that i could know you so much better and believe me when i say i'm so glad to have you now. we'll get through all the rubbish we've been put through and let's believe that in a happily ever after.

jesse
you can pour your heart out to me anytime because i know you will be there to nurse me back to health when i need you.

nicola woman, each time i meet you, my worries go away and i'm having fun :)

the guys at sentosa's beach patrol you've heard this one too many times, but having watched me grow up, i can't help but feel so at home when i'm with all of you. i have my fits of anger and stubborness but please understand that i'm still learning still. the learning process may never stop but be sure that i will learn and will change. however, i'd like you guys to know that though each time you see me and i'm always in my cheery mode,it may not always be the same deep in me. some of you may still me as a kid like when i first joined, but i'm all grown up now and a little respect for my feelings would be nice at times. all i am saying is that i hardly ever show you guys that i am upset but that's because i feel that you guys shouldn't have to see me sad and be affected by that because it isn't your fault at all.

my wonderful team mates our family has grown so much and when i say this team cannot be replaced, i mean it so much. we are so young as a team but we share a bond so special and dear. let's keep this family going strong shall we now? you guys give me faith and a reason to keep striving for the best. don't fail me now and i promise i won't as well.

cass and huihiang you two are so outstanding that i think i should mention you guys specially here. haha. all the nonsense laughter and rubbish we share are moments i won't forget really. more to come i hope!!

chris babe you have been busy but i know you will be back soon!

dawn we need more time together!

saburi ken when is saw you today, i realised how much i've really miss you dear japo boyfriend.

song army boy finally! i don't believe in us drifting apart. i'll be there. trust me :)

samantha halley

sam i love you so much and i know you know that all too well. i'm sorry that i haven't even you a hug and met you up recently but i will soon <3

rachelle and sammuh the last time that i have met and checked, yes indeed, we are all pretty much still the same. haha!

minhui

how can i forgot how you were there for me when i needed someone <3

xoxo