yea, maybe they were right all along, i'm not over you, i haven't been moving on. i feel the tears welling up and the bitterness of it all. i feel more alone then ever. home with nothing to look forward to on christmas. so where's the happily ever after i was seeking for like in fairytale? truth is, it'll never exist.

you've hit ever god damn point. you are damn right. why am i still close, why do i still bother. you know, the fucked up thing is that it'll never be your fault and you'll never feel the pain because you are free while im stuck in this black hole.

bali bali bali, love you to bits and pieces.

i shopped like crazy.

i ate like crazy.

i played too hard.

i got overly excited about almost everything.

i had too much sun.

i was dressed to the slackest, in bikini every damn day.

i love the beer.

i have truckloads of pictures.

all this and more to be updated soon because i love bali so so much.

xoxo.

bali awaits.

because i can feel you trembling in my bones.the excitement hasn't kicked in yet but really, i am looking forward to Bali in hours to come. i have nevertheless to say, drifted far off into the holiday mood. yes yes, i do feel guilty about missing practical-lab class tmr and that said, i feel damn horrible that i am way behind my own timetable in studying/revising. sigh! sigh! so much to do and so little time, not to mention, this christmasy season is so getting on to me. anyhow, i do hope that this Bali holiday will be refreshing and when i get back, I'll be more focus after having had an (i know it will be) awesome 5 day break :) sun, sand and sea, i could never ask for anything more cos' that's where home is to me.

okok, as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel a little giddy rush of excitement in me already. oohh laaa laaa, i cant wait to feel the warm sun shinning down on me and my toes feeling the wet soft sad with the gentle waves brushing against my ankles. Bali, you are paradise to me now, even though I'm not even on the plane to you yet.

so peeps, I'll be gone for abit and whoever whom i haven't told that I'll be away, if you read this, please know that i am having the time of my life in Bali but fret not, I'll be back on Tuesday cos' really, i cant bear to leave my lovelies back here in Singapore. in the mean time, take care and have fun yo.

xoxoJIN

until then, this is goodbye for good.

you know the kind of frustration when you realise that you've given a person one too many times to change and prove himself to you and still he's at that exact same spot? yea, that's how i've been feeling for awhile now. dear k, we were once lovers who become friends, but wait, let me correct that, we weren't exactly friends. how could we have been since you were never exactly there. you wanted me for the benefits, you wanted me when you were bored and lonely. damn right, you look like a wise good guy, but i do hope that the people around you one day see the true light. in your circle of friends, i've prolly always have been deemed as the slut, the bad and rotten one who brought nothing but misery to your life. so much for all that bullshit speech you gave me that night. really you lie like a bitch. i've been standing by you for as long as i've known you. i've been there all your nights out, i've been there when you needed a listening ear. did you try to let me in? hell no. you made me stay out all this time. i am utterly upset, very hurt. in fact so hurt that maybe i won't wanna see you ever again. until maybe hopefully one day, you've woken up and say the truth. i don't care if we never ever work out but the way you have been treating me all these years? i think i want an explanation, i deserve more than just a word of sorry.

i'm so angry hurt that i wanna break down and cry. that's how bad it is.

castles in the air.

you know maybe ive never been moving on. maybe ive still been lingering at the back, hoping that somehow i'll get through all this, but really, i dont know how to. many a times i feel alright, i feel like i can get through every damn thing just by myself. but then, there are many a times as well where i feel so horrible, i feel i need a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold me and kisses to calm me.

i think i have almost lost control of what's going on in my life. ive got so much going on it feels like it's all gonna burst soon. im scared. i really am. im scared of growing up and facing challenges. im scared of failing in sch. im scared of being a nobody. im scared that im not being loved. im scared to move away from you. i think im holding on still, unknowingly. as im pouring all these out right now, i feel the tears building from within. i wanna break down and give up. for everyone who has known me, the have always seen the cheery side of me. ive never been the one to break down and away. but im a mess now. look at me now, i feel so empty.

as i try to fall asleep at night or as i gaze into nothing now, i pray a little prayer that i will get right soon. i wanna find my strength and be genuinely happy. i wish the pain away, i wish away the tears. i wish to let go.