music: meredith brooks: bitch

funny how you've always looked up to people and could possibly see them as the world. you wanna be just like them, following in their foot steps and aim to get where they are.

what if your task was to be part of them and once you got that you realize it doesn't feel all that well. something seems missing but you tell yourself that it'll get better and that all that pressure is good for you.

and then something happened and it leaves a scar. the one person that your trusted all the time to be reasonable and nice suddenly uses a different tone and body language to speak to you. it makes you confuse and flashbacks appears. it makes you scared and then suddenly you stop to think that could it possibly just be that the people have changed and things are different now? perhaps they aren't the same as before and they are no more who you aim to become.

greatness doesn't get you all that far. you may be strong and the best but what's the point of it all when you do it without an aim? with no passionate direction is like having a mindless plan. you don't go into depth of it all but simply choose to stick on the surface.

maybe this is what it has become. maybe i grew out of it and somehow i am telling myself that i should follow my heart.

music: natasha bedingfield: strip me

me time, i don't think i have much of that at all and perhaps that's why lately i've been feeling all flustered and too much of on the go. too much things that i'm trying to get settled and maybe just too much to juggle all at the same time.

i guess being alone, i expect so much more out of myself. to be more efficient and organized, that's definitely something i expect that i should be now. so when i think i've had it all worked out and planned and then suddenly something comes along and just screws it up for me, i really am upset and disappointed.

dejected maybe? i'm not sure. i've always been revolving my schedule around school. I mean after that is and should be my priority. so when they postponed the exam to the following week, as speechless as i was, i couldn't complain. for one, i do have more time to study now but the thing is it really screwed my diving plans over.

i've been wanting to go on the rescue diver course for awhile now and maybe it was because i really was looking forward to taking it and as well as to just get away from everything, i was angry and then upset and then just really really disappointed. it affected me very much.

suck it up now, life throws lemons at us all. sigh.

music: across the universe: all my loving

each time i watch a movie, i get so wrapped up in all the emotions by just putting myself in their shoes and imaging how it would feel like.

the feeling always sucks.

because they said that all we needed was love.

what if that's not true?

this is still it.

i'll keep this for someone else because you threw it all away.