i dont know if it's the stress or whatever, but i just felt today that i wanted time with you, to me it would seem like you were being there for me, supporting me and showing me that you were proud of me. i was disappointed, i was piss, i was hurt. oh wells. now i just feel bad for being mad at you.

i am so tired. i am so exhausted. i am aching so bad. my muscles are so tight. i have so much work left. i am scared. i have so little time. i have too much on hand. arrrgghhhhhh.....

yea sure, there have been times that i wish i was someone else. many a times i feel insecure and unwanted. but then most of the time, i feel contented and happy with who i am. im not sure if my confidence scare people away sometimes, but i accept the way i am and i do love myself for me.

sometimes, i wish what i wanted would come true or go my way. sometimes i wish i can shake people awake and make them see how i can be wonderful. i hate feeling jealous or insecure. it kills me. it makes me wonder what about me that people dont like. why is it so easy for some while so difficult for me to find the right one.

you know i get lonely sometimes and i really need someone to lean on and hold me. there's only so much of independence and strong in me.

and sometimes, it sucks to see someone you are fond of belong to another.

being a tin man still sounds good to me. hmm.

rahhh excited much !!!

i was an idiot yesterday. i got my coaching dates wrong and travelled all the way to jurong in the afternoon. it was only when i was sitted on the pool bench did i realize it. stupid me, wasted my time totally. i could have used the time to rest more and finish up more work. sigh. i will never make such a stupid mistake ever again. lesson learnt totally.

side note, i thought you guys would now be better some how, like maybe realized that friends share the load sometimes, like help out to do things and plan things even without being asked. guess not. i may just be bitching and whining here but honestly, i just can't stand it sometimes. oh wells, no one said loving was easy. i would do all i can for all of you, but will you guys do the same in return?

music: taylor swift: never grow up

i am blonde no more but a brunette indeed.

i've got so many things to do and so much in mind. assignment, readings, emails to reply, coaching, coaching homework, trainings, birthday to plan, slideshow to do for the team. xxxxx. i'm very tired physically. even when my mind says i can, my body is too tired. i need to get so much done. sighh!!

'oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little

oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

it can stay this simple

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

could still be little

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

it could still be simple'

i am physically very exhausted. really. my muscles are too tight and too achy. just when i think i can catch a break and rest my body, i am at it again, training and training. it isn't stopping at all. i hope it'll pay off. i want to give it all i can, i want to reach beyond my peak. hang in there dear me, i can do it.

my friend, the soldier i salute.

hey jonathan,

thanks for inviting me to your social night. i got to admit, i was pleasantly surprised that you had asked me but nonetheless, i am delighted that you did.

i hadn't known what to expect, i was nervous that it'd be weird and awkward, that i wouldn't be dressed right nor would i be behaving and acting right. i obviously wanted to be at my best for you as this really was a well deserved occasion for your celebration and it should be perfect.

well, turns out, i was worrying too much and there really wasn't a need to be that nervous because your fellow officer cadets were such gentlemen and easy to mingle with. Now of course, most importantly, you were a charming partner the whole night through. you kept me company all the time and ensured i wasn't bored at all. as excited as i was to see you in your number 2 uniform that evening, you'd be happy to hear that i was as excited to hear all about your army life. you painted a whole new clearer picture for me to realize what you have been going through in camp and as such, i've really come to understand, appreciate and respect you so much more for everything that you have gone through and will still be going through, just for the country.

hey jon,

i may not have known you for long at all, may not have been your closest or bestest friend but thinking back, i guess i've seen you grown alot, from your boyish poly days to where you are at now. it's a whole lot of a difference really. they say that you guys become real men after you enter army, i agree with that. i saw a really smart looking soldier that evening, he was looking stunningly handsome in his uniform and immediately thoughts ran through my mind telling me how this solider has to have many good and positive qualities in him. my thoughts were right exactly. i thought back to how i've known you then and now and i saw the man in you now.

now, not that you were a rascal back then but you know what i mean. actually, you have always been a really nice and good guy in my eyes, always thoughtful about what others might feel and never failing to respect people. but right now, after what i have seen for myself, you are like way up a whole new level. very impressive indeed.

all those facebook statuses that you had posted pieced together and made sense after what you shared with me last night. i can see why you guys can hate army life so much but yet feel so proud of yourself after it all.

i truly am amazed by you, jon. i've never known you to be so determined and outstanding in what you set your mind to but now i know. right now, the BP gang all knows because you blew me away so much that whole evening that i had no choice but to sprout praises non stop of you to them. haha.

hey you,

if you read this, please don't be shocked at how i dedicated this blog post just for you. it's very like me to be expressive this way so my dear friend, be very delighted that this is for you. lol.

dear jonathan,

you gave me a chance to see what you have gone through and even gave me a perfect evening for me to remember. thank you and always know that i am so proud of you :)

i'm feeling unappreciated, not of importance at all. so we made it this far, so why won't they recognize us? why won't they treat us all as equal and give us their full support and cheers? i am doing good, i started fair and square, i made it so far like everyone else, so why won't they be fair to us?

i know i am not alone in this, but i wish someone was here to make me feel alright. sigh.

full day coaching.

xxxXx.

every morning i wake and limp down the stairs because my ankle hurts so bad i cant put weight on it right away. sigh. but i'll remember this injury for life. it was part and parcel of the process.

you'd be too good for me. you'd be everything i wanted and needed.

i need to stop letting this mind of mine drift along. i wish it'd be easier.

i have to realize that this is goodbye.

jin, you have to be on track. you cannot side track at all. it's a tight schedule and you don't have time for distractions.

-very important note to self.

i've got school work that i have to get done.

i have events to attend.

i have trainings to go to consistently.

i have coaching sessions.

i have to work to save up for my big darwin competition.

i cannot afford to fall sick at all, i just cannot.

i'm gonna get well starting now and go live my life.

so when will it be me; it's hard to leave the ground with these broken wings.

i'd like to take back all that's happened and close the doors again. i'd like to be stone cold and have my wall around me again. i'm good alone and that's that.

music: colbie caillat: fallin' for you

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I'm fallin' for you

i wanna stop this because it's an annoying fuzzy feeling and i dont wanna let it distract me. so if there's a sign, let me know. if there isn't, let it stop now.

music: colbie caillat: i do

i've been feeling happy.

i wanna skip along to happy songs and smile all day long.

it's my birthday again.

and then i turned 22 this year. quiet unlike the previous year, though i wished there were endless celebrations and everything was fun and loud. im your girl next door dramaqueen, i love the limelight so yea.

but its been good by far. the important people in my life and the simpleness of the get together for my birthday :)

i've still been receiving awesome presents still, so there really is no down side to anything in comparison to past years. great friends and family = great useful gifts that have always been on my 'want and need' list. haha, loving it all!

but you know what's the ultimate gift by far? being a part of team singapore! i guess i've had my doubts and have had expected greater reactions from my parents upon hearing my good news, but i think i've cleared it all away and i really am just contented to have gave it my all and got in. my dream come through really. my life feels on track now. perhaps given more time, my parents will be more expressive to me and show me that they've really got my back and are proud of my achievement. because this is really important to me, because this has always been what i wanted.

i am happy turning 22. it's going to be good, because i'll make it awesome :)

music: david guetta feat rihanna: who's that chick

patience, endless supply of hope and alot of emotional ups and downs. i've got a D finally! i didnt let dr low down, i didnt let my parents money down, i didnt let my hardwork go to waste and i didnt let myself down! it was like double the pressure to anticipate this module's result. i was a nervous wreck, delaying the check as i was too afraid. and then i got too eager to check and attempted to do so on my iphone but to no avail. it was like the longest train, bus and walk home. so when i finally saw the result, i was first relief that i cleared it. and then i got really excited and started bouncing and dancing around the house announcing my achievement. i patted mermaid, my mom hugged me and i said 'woohoo!' way too many many times. haha. see how easily contented i am?

and im really excited to know the final selection results for arafura games this saturday!!!

my life is picking up and im feeling good too. i'm growing up for good i hope. making a change isnt easy but its been good :)