When I needed someone so badly, was anyone there? No. I look around, so desperately, and I see no one. No dawn, no jasmine, no ken, no Jason. I needed a shoulder, so badly. I needed just a person to hold me close but no one was there.

I don’t blame anyone, but myself. I don’t have much friends. Now, I wonder why. Now I look at myself and I so hate the way I am. Friends who always said they would be there for me, can’t always stand by their words. It is not their fault but mine. I brought all these misery against myself.

I could have taken the easy way out and be a very happy girl, but I chose to want this life. You say that I’ve got little friends and yet, you want me to stay away. I don’t understand anymore. I’ve never cried and felt so alone when I’m upset, until now.

I’m here in the last cubicle of the toilet in school, can anyone hear me? I keep calling, I keep hoping but no one comes to take me away.

You yell, you tell, you ignore me and you accuse me, all in front of the world to see. Do you not respect me? I was the one who built a team, the one who save lives and smile at friends to brightened their days. The one perhaps people looked up to. For you, I crumble. For you I lost all. Goodbye world.

when i dress down, people don't care.
when i dress up, people look at me and go like 'what's the occasion?' or 'you look funny.'

today, sven saw me in a skirt that i haven't worn for some time. he said 'jin why you look so girly today?' i said 'cos' i am a girl.'

on the sixteen lesson of inclusive physical activity module.

i suddenly feel a pang of sadness rush through me. it's like the last time that i had lilian facilitate me and the class.

it was the last lesson of the module.

soon, i'll be in year three. soon, i won't see my elective classmates no more because most of them would have graduated.

i feel scare and upset...suddenly.

i love e25c..like a lot. it only hit me now that it's one of the best class that i've had so far. no, really, i never really knew how much i love the class..till now, on the last week of school.

i love everything about my class this semester. the people are great, and relatively bonded. i mean we don't go out and all but it's like magically, we can all still bond well and have tons of fun.

and i swear e25c could form like a huge band or something because we all like to sing..i think. haha! anyways, all those times when teh faci left class and everyone crowded in one corner to arm wrestle, play poker, eat kfc and pizza and poke fun of you know who, it was all great fun :) i love the class. no hate, no outcasting but pure fun and laughter.

sometimes, i like to do stupid things like chop off my fringe and feel very rich when i am not at all. yes, you got it, i have ugly short layered bangs now. shheesshh..i wished i didnt have it though. me and stupid ideas.

yesterday was demo. fun..yes indeed it was. it's been two years and i think each time i work, i learn much more than before, sometimes, more than i should know even but ahhh..i know that i should just keep my mouth shut about certain things.

today i met the best friend after work at vivo. i swear i saw a top from topshop that i so liked but the sickening part was that there weren't sizes and i really doubt that the other ourlets would have it cos it was an on sale item. arrgghh! just went i found something...i think i'm picky when it comes to clothes.

i read in the newpaper today that there was a ring from swenden or something celebrating singlehood. how cool is that eh?

oh oh! and today, when dawn and i were at macs, we saw this old uncle and he looked so pitiful because he had a really bad hunch back. he was weird because he asked only for cups of water and then he headed on to take a whole bunch of tissues and coffee mate creamer. before we could watch on (or rather i watch on), i told dawn we had to go because i couldnt stand feel bad for him. sigh!

super overdue photos!

we look the best doing retarded things together.

we secretly wish that we were ballerinas instead of lifesavers.

so now you think you can multi-task la. save people and be a model. act cute people.

the beginning of a new sport: line water dancing. wahh...i jump until shiok shiok only.

i love your crib with the walls that we painted are 'oh so pretty!'.
fun in the lifeguard room eh. i like to look like i always get bullied.
i tried so hard to suck all the fats in.

monsta behind me.

baby bought me a pretty sunflower! my favourite:) here's to our first few photos taken together minhui.
as you can see, we don"t usually like to look normal.
eneida liks to come in between us..sheesshh...
the best friend of 10 years and counting.

i spent the nights at her place, insisting that i would wake at 5am to cab home to change for school. when the alarm went off and she woke me (as usual), i was too tired to move and so i lay there listening to her ask me if i coudl afford to skip class. i answered yes, but with a very guilty feeling in me. and then i spent the next 10minutes just lying there in bed with her by me, worrying about my gpa.

is that dumb or what?

anyways, when we finally woke, with me whinning and kicking the shit out of her in bed, i had the impulsive thougt of chopping my fringe off. i had wanted to do something to my hair like ages ago, but i just couldn't decide what la. and so with no hesitation, we bathe and headed downstairs to eat and then chop my fringe plus wash my hair in which the lady said was not long but very long.

i'm so not use to my 'bouncing' fringe now. i opted for a layered fringe this time around instead of straight thick bangs like the last time around. now, i'm secretly killing my thoughts of not cutting straight bangs instead. maybe it was cos' people had said my previous bangs were what they called, 'too much'. arrgghh!

so today was 'mr and ms rp' at the trcc. wow, everyone had thought that this year was so darn grand and what not, but guess what? it really wasn't that 'omg! wow!' at all la. and our mr and ms shl, vincent and jasmine, didn't brag the title but instead, took away the 'mr and ms sunkiller' title, together with the first runner up title. i guess they were as good as the winners :) and they have done us proud. well done guys! i guess there were more derserving winners though..hmm..oh well...plus, sam's ermmm 'you know who' was sitting behind me and he was so hilarious with his remarks yo.

oh oh, we got our shl beauties daisies each...or was it dandelion..not samanthahalley!
now, i've got to go rest my voice for tomorrow's emceeing.

hello ken, if you are reading this, stop poking my fats when i'm tired!

talking about forever.

music: nelly furtado: all good things come to an end
i put it on replay mode. it seems like the right song for the right mood that i am in and as well as the chat we are having now.

'flames to dusts, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?'

normal loving, one that requires the right amount of maintanance. is it so hard to keep that?

let's keep forever locked in our hearts so we won't have to take it out to speak of it.

love you.

random thoughts.

so many bad fights and we hung on. this has got to be something for than special :)

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my muscles are so tense i swear i would just snap like a overstretched rubberband one fine day. everyday i dream there would be a x-ray machine that tracks for aching muscles and when the results are printed out, i would be the only one with a paper filled with red spots all over my back. now, are you getting what i am saying?

i want to go for sports massage. i don't really wanna care how bad it is gonna hurt. i just wanna be free of pain.

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in a few weeks, it would mark the end of year two in rp for me. gosh, time really flies. soon, before i know it, i would be a senior in school and i get the chance to 'look down' on every freshmen and year two students. HAHA! okok, i really ain't that bad.

i'd say that poly life is the best time i've had in my years of being a student. so much for tp, i love life as a republican more than ever.

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today, i woke early and headed over to her place to grab mac's breakfast just so that i can surprise her by being early with breakfast but guess what? we ended sleeping in at her place and skipping school. mac's breakfast ended up needing to be heated up before consumption just because we woke at noon.

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i hate the feeling of waiting for my bloody period to just come and be over.

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oh and did i mention? jesse and i found a place that does threading at khatib. finally! somewhere near her house, cheap, nice and pretty. and since we were there, jesse did her nails while i settle for henna on my ankle.

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ciao people. i'll upload pictures soon.

music: mtv all stars: what's going on

swimming ivp 2008.
perhaps, it was a performance that was to be applauded for. perhaps, we had all done well, though to us, it was always stagnant. settling down from everything, from the very handsome guys and pretty girls with bodies that one could die for, to the sun that was burning down on us and the gorgeous swimsuits and trunks/jammers that were had been carried out diffeently on each individual swimmer, i can finally evaluate my performance on a whole.

so last year, was my very first swim meet. i was new, pretty scared out of my wits what with the meet being held at rp itself, i was probably retarded looking. those old birds were prolly thinking what an invader i was, to have suddenly shown my face in the middle of all the already familiar faces to them all. anyways, to cut it all short, i had the guts to take on more events this year and i really think that i have performed better, what with all the improved timings :) i could have done better i guess, with more proper practice but..things happen..arrgghh!

they say lifesavers dont mix with the swimmers because after all, we are of different 'categories'. i guess i woudl agree to a certain extent but as much as many might agree with this saying, there are the many others too who beg to differ. i would say, go figure, i have my own take on this too.

to put a close to this chapter of ivp swimming, i woudl just to say that i so cant wait for the lifesaving season :)




have you ever felt like crap for no apparent reason? you feel lost, your thoughts are jumbled and you just cant decide on what you are doing at all. i hate these feelings. i loose control. i cant think right, in fact, i dont even know what is going through my mind. i teared when lying right beside you love. you asked why and i said i didnt want you to leave. was that the real reason?

now that i am home, away from you, i think i was having that stupid moody feeling. i love you baby girl, no doubt. i'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be half the time.

randomly enough, i would just like to say that so much has change withinthe family that i am living in. now that i am 18 and counting, my parents are just there for times when i need cash, when i need advice from them on certain matters and what have we not. my brother, doesnt feel like much of a man whom other girls have as for brothers. he's quiet and i havent got a clue what is happening in his life. nobody talks to each otehr much anymore. i dont make the effort too. i dont see the need to actually, for when i speak, it ends up it fights. what's the point then?

i just wanna be in school, at work, at trainings when my friends and babygirl is.