i guess how i've really been feeling is disappointment in myself. jealousy yes, definitely. when you put your whole heart into it and dedicated your passion and attention to it since you were 15, you would expect to be some where by now. my first great taste of success and somewhat victory was 2011 in darwin. it may have been a long and winding ride to have gotten to it but the end result was tasteful. im not saying that i would want to go through all the drama for it again but what im saying is that i would do it again, over again and again but the right way this time.
2012 has been great. I've been living right and i've found my mr right. ive been doing my best to be good and it's happening easily, naturally. no one told me that i had to go through so much and to wait 23 years for me to meet someone so special to complete my life. he's good for me and i love him very much. it started right and im hoping it'll be more than anything else.
so with all thats going great, why is life unfair to not allow everything to be fulfilled for me. have i neglected things and not keep a balance? all i wanted was to get in and be a part of world rescue this year. it meant so much to me. i couldnt mask my sadness, i couldnt pretend it didnt matter. it stabbed me right in my heart and it kept bleeding. and it was more torturing to have gotten into the accident. ive been helpless. i try to think positively, i make up too many excuses to try and feel better but i realize that the tears ive been shedding these days is because i didnt make it. it hurts just to try and picture all that the chosen team was going through. its mindfuckingly painful. it brought out the worst in me, made me feel seriously useless and all that i held on to was meaningless and worthless.
i always knew what lifesaving meant to me. it grew on me, its my way of life. take that away from me and i'd be lost and be left with nothing.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Friday, November 02, 2012
wrecked.
i blog this post with a heavy heart. the car accident on wednesday while at driving lesson sure has been a shocker to me. i never would have thought that something like this would have ever happened to me at all. Ironically, a while back i witnessed an accident almost identical to the one that i was in. me, an innocent part turning right on green arrow light and suddenly this stupid van driver comes straight out and collides with me. my car was wrecked bad while the van got away with a partially wrecked side. my instructor bumped his head, the van driver got a few scratches on his arm and paint spilled all over him and as for me, i got a fractured left forearm.
it happened all too quickly. i remember being obviously very shocked and tearing and when my instructor said get out of the car and i tried i felt the pain on my arm. i couldnt even get the door to open properly and the smell of metal and petrol with the smoke all around was horrible. standing at the junction, i was helpless and clueless. i cant really recall now what went through my mind but i knew many people were staring and looking on. i mean the road was busy and it was a bad crash. the wrecked car was blocking the flow of traffic. then this nice man from the car company behind came forward and offered me water. i was really thankful.
then the ambulance came and it started to really sink in that this actually happened. i was concerned about the stinging sensation that was on my face but they said that there were no cuts and it was alright. i believed them thinking i was just not functioning right then. i mean ive never been in an accident, maybe that was how i was supposed to feel and react. then was the arm. it just get swelling and all i could hope for was that it wasnt a fracture and just some bad swelling going on.
sitting in the ambulance i was glad to be away from all those eyes. safe for a brief moment. then we reached changi general hospital and they insisted on wheeling me in. again i felt the stares, i guess people were wondering why i was there. it was then i realized the abrasion on my face and lip. it was obvious. as i was waiting around to be checked by the doctor and x-rayed, my mind settled in and i was thinking more clearly.
it was fear that crept up. i was upset that if it was a fracture, i would have to cancel all my coaching lessons and i couldnt bear to do that at all! my kids are my happy pills plus i was worried my absence would encourage the parents to move on to another coach. i started getting angry and it just brought more tears. then i moved on to worrying about my exam. the thought of having to study handicapped and possibly to do my papers in a cast was scary. i was almost convinced that i was not going to do well. what came next was me thinking i was lucky to have not got into world rescue because believe me i would go mad and furious. to have worked so hard and not be able to go suddenly because of someone else's recklessness would be beyond unfair and stupid.
when the doctor finally broke the news of my fractured arm to me, i was lucky to have convinced myself that it probably was just that already. by then i was just plain moodless. i wasted a day and now my life would have to sort of be on hold because of the extend of my injury.
the driving school has been very nice and have called to check on me and rearrange my lessons. they have even sent me a fruit basket in which i was surprised to receive. as for the van driver, to not have even said a word of sorry and for pushing the blame to me, seriously shame on you. i judge how you have been brought up and how much of a person you are. you didnt show any more of emotion except to push the blame entirely to me. i certainly do not want to see you ever again.
i am feeling pretty blah about everything now. it really is troublesome moving around and doing stuff with a cast on. it makes my mood fluctuate alot and it made looking at the selected team to go for world rescue much worst. i knew i would be sad but this brought my sadness level way up. sigh. of course i am jealous, i wish i was good enough to make it. it's like i failed myself in terms of lifesaving this year. the benchmark only goes higher, not lower and i can't help but feel that i didn't prove myself worthy this year. once you've tasted what it's like up there, you won't wanna settle for any less and that's what i feel.
i can only suck it up an just pray for a speedy recovery now :( and oh yes, i typed this whole entry with just my right hand.
it happened all too quickly. i remember being obviously very shocked and tearing and when my instructor said get out of the car and i tried i felt the pain on my arm. i couldnt even get the door to open properly and the smell of metal and petrol with the smoke all around was horrible. standing at the junction, i was helpless and clueless. i cant really recall now what went through my mind but i knew many people were staring and looking on. i mean the road was busy and it was a bad crash. the wrecked car was blocking the flow of traffic. then this nice man from the car company behind came forward and offered me water. i was really thankful.
then the ambulance came and it started to really sink in that this actually happened. i was concerned about the stinging sensation that was on my face but they said that there were no cuts and it was alright. i believed them thinking i was just not functioning right then. i mean ive never been in an accident, maybe that was how i was supposed to feel and react. then was the arm. it just get swelling and all i could hope for was that it wasnt a fracture and just some bad swelling going on.
sitting in the ambulance i was glad to be away from all those eyes. safe for a brief moment. then we reached changi general hospital and they insisted on wheeling me in. again i felt the stares, i guess people were wondering why i was there. it was then i realized the abrasion on my face and lip. it was obvious. as i was waiting around to be checked by the doctor and x-rayed, my mind settled in and i was thinking more clearly.
it was fear that crept up. i was upset that if it was a fracture, i would have to cancel all my coaching lessons and i couldnt bear to do that at all! my kids are my happy pills plus i was worried my absence would encourage the parents to move on to another coach. i started getting angry and it just brought more tears. then i moved on to worrying about my exam. the thought of having to study handicapped and possibly to do my papers in a cast was scary. i was almost convinced that i was not going to do well. what came next was me thinking i was lucky to have not got into world rescue because believe me i would go mad and furious. to have worked so hard and not be able to go suddenly because of someone else's recklessness would be beyond unfair and stupid.
when the doctor finally broke the news of my fractured arm to me, i was lucky to have convinced myself that it probably was just that already. by then i was just plain moodless. i wasted a day and now my life would have to sort of be on hold because of the extend of my injury.
the driving school has been very nice and have called to check on me and rearrange my lessons. they have even sent me a fruit basket in which i was surprised to receive. as for the van driver, to not have even said a word of sorry and for pushing the blame to me, seriously shame on you. i judge how you have been brought up and how much of a person you are. you didnt show any more of emotion except to push the blame entirely to me. i certainly do not want to see you ever again.
i am feeling pretty blah about everything now. it really is troublesome moving around and doing stuff with a cast on. it makes my mood fluctuate alot and it made looking at the selected team to go for world rescue much worst. i knew i would be sad but this brought my sadness level way up. sigh. of course i am jealous, i wish i was good enough to make it. it's like i failed myself in terms of lifesaving this year. the benchmark only goes higher, not lower and i can't help but feel that i didn't prove myself worthy this year. once you've tasted what it's like up there, you won't wanna settle for any less and that's what i feel.
i can only suck it up an just pray for a speedy recovery now :( and oh yes, i typed this whole entry with just my right hand.
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