'you know i've been having dreams, dreams of my iron woman event. i am scared, i am nervous, but i want it so much. i have been training for it, i don't wanna fail myself, i don't want to fail others as well.'

music: adele: rolling in the deep

i shouldn't have bothered to entertain or try. i knew from the start it was wrong, that nothing good was gonna come out of it. i knew it, i could see it all but yet i betrayed myself and went ahead. because really i just wanted to feel normal again, to stop being so god dammit strong, to bloody hell be cared for and be happy. because I'm tired, very tired of doing everything on my own. because nothing ever really goes my way these days and because i can't understand why, why is it so unfair and what, what in me is possibly wrong. i hate you some how, hate all you damn fools for coming into my life. wished i never met you because i gave you all i could but you tossed me aside and broke me.

i wanna hate you, blame you and curse at you. i wanna hate myself for giving in, for letting go. i cause this hurt in me, i broke my own peace but what the hell i tried to try again, i tried to stop it but i failed myself and now i feel like fuck. i wanna tear everything up and cry it all out. i'm stupidly frustrated at everything, i just wanna be ok, to be normal what the fuck is that so much to ask for?

i'm trying to keep the faith and be hopeful. it's once again getting so hard to keep that smile on my face, each time it gets better i get skeptical that it ain't real but least i tried this time around, i tried to let the walls down. even if it was just that little bit, i know i tried. fuck this shit, I'm tired and so hurt i just wanna scream my cries out now. no one's gonna hear anyways.

music: train: marry me