battle cry, promise you that i am certified.

the week's break is almost over. nationals on sunday and i've got muscles aching like hell. school, dear biomechanics, please be nice to me.

hope, a word by itself, so simple but yet brings endless and powerful meanings.

hope is what i need now with each passing day.

i cant explain this feeling.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

there's so much that i want to express but my fragile heart cannot relate in words. if i could, i would turn back time and start all over again. if i knew what was to come, i would make it right, right from the start. if i knew that human beings could fuck themselves up so bad, i would train myself to be stronger than i am now. if i knew that one could ever feel such emotional pain, a pain worst than a cut, a physical injury with blood spilling and broken bones, i would seal my heart with just myself and you. i would not wanna weather the bad storms. i would want to have a happily ever after like in fairytales.

but because i am only human and like all others, i make mistakes after mistakes, regrets after regrets. i think that ive grown and learnt so much more but then i am back at ground zero where i realize that itll never ever be enough.

i have a heart so bruised because of what i did to myself. no ones to be blamed but only myself. ive never known such stupidity that i could cause to myself but now i see. i cant tell you how much i hate myself, how much i wish i could just die silently of the pain in me. its hard and for the amount of time that i havent given up at all, i really should be proud of where i have come but im getting tired and really, right now i just wanna lay down forever.

once again, i am feeling more alone than ever. yea i have awesome friends but my dears, theres only so much that all of you can do and i know ill appreciate it all. theres so much that i can remember, and i just wanna rest now.

"with my guard all down and my heart out in the open, i feel empty and naked. this heart of mine will always be broken."

tell them i was happy.

'can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

i could really use a wish right now'

remember we used to touch the sky.

i guess it felt good to have sort of let it all out. i cant believe it happened but it did and now that its all out and everyone knows where i am coming from, i feel honest, like a clean sheet of paper and am ready to fill it all up again. i appreciate that you guys sat by me and listen while i pathetically sobbed away and tried to relate what i felt deep down. it feels great knowing that my trust in the team never failed me and im certain now that it wont ever. thanks for the encouragement and reassurance. im here always.


it's gonna be a long long night and im hanging hanging...............

when my bottle pop.

i wanna wanna be better. im reciting to myself over and over again that i gotta take baby steps and not expect to leap so far so fast.

on another note, i did fairly well for psyc1101's assignment and im pretty relieve and happy to be honest. it's like finally im doing something right in uni. sigh. but i cant be contented at all. exam's next wednesday's and im getting scared. i should be used to this right? no, it's quite nerve wrecking to go through this every two months.

going on course tmr and i ought to be heading to bed already but im hanging in there to finish up.

sigh.

i need this so bad.

im not so sure anymore. i thought hard and long to come to this decision i made. i took the offer, i took the chance. i was delighted, it felt like a leap of faith. i knew i was moving on to greater heights. i know it's for the better if i wanted something more, to improve and be better.

it's hard now that i made the change. i layed down the differences, what to expect and what not, what were the possbilities and what wouldn't be. i prepared myself metally, but honestly now that i am here, i'm taken aback, i really never thought it would be so hard. i thought i was ready, i thought whatever comes, i would be able to handle it step by step. but it's only been a few sessions and i am at ground zero, feeling all too demoralised. it wasn't like they have been pushing me hard or stressing me out. it's got nothing to do with them. it's me. i'm stressing, i'm thinking and i'm getting upset and feeling very lost all too suddenly.

i'm not feeling the bond like i once had. i miss how it always felt, homesick maybe but i know i made the choice and i cannot look back now. it isn't fair, not just to me but to everyone else. i dont wanna give up. i know i was holding back yesterday. but why? i really wonder. am i intimidated? am i unhappy? or perhaps i'm just bad. i know i'm lagging behind but i never knew it would really be so tough. really, honestly, i know i'm not at my fittest nor have i been having ample training but i'm pretty shattered and i can't figure out why.

if i don't overcome myself and figure out why i'm feeling the way i am feeling, i'm just gonna keep holding back myself and i won't ever know my true capabilities. i don't want that, not after what i have build for myself and come to. i don't wanna pull myself down nor the team. i need to get up and get out. i need to start drilling it in me that this really is the right choice. moving on was never easy and i'm willing to try and learn. it's for the better and i know it. sigh.

music: shakira: waka waka (this time for africa)

i need a break, i want a break. all this non-stop studying is really tiring and wearing me out. i wanna bask in glory and never have to wake to realize that life isnt such a fairytale where im spoom fed every damn thing. sigh.

holiday, nowwwww.

i just wanna not know a thing and be happy. i just wanna know that everything is for a reason. i just wanna know that im headed somewhere. i just wanna know that there'll be a time when there's mine and to shine. i just wanna know that people who mean so much to me will never give up on me. i just wanna know that if i get down i can still get up. i just wanna know that i can let go and be out of my misery. i just wanna know that i can always feel my emotions to a sad or happy song.

dear dawn.

dear dawn,
i know alot had gone on in your life and i can only hope for the better for you. many a times, i really feel so helpless, so lost because i cant seem to do anything much for you at all. i wanna know how you are coping but im afraid to seem like im not giving you your space as well. so here i have been, silent most of the time because i really dont know whats the best i can do to make it all better. i know it isnt easy, and no amount of time can perhaps heal what has happened. but my girl, you know you will pull through and this will just make you a much stronger person. your life will probably have changes now, but either way, its just the beginning of whats ahead. hang in there and always always know that everyone of your friends are always here for you. i know that i dont show much but i will always be here as well. just a call away, a road away, a text away and what not. i miss you, i do. i wanna see you happy again.


xoxo