im not so sure anymore. i thought hard and long to come to this decision i made. i took the offer, i took the chance. i was delighted, it felt like a leap of faith. i knew i was moving on to greater heights. i know it's for the better if i wanted something more, to improve and be better.
it's hard now that i made the change. i layed down the differences, what to expect and what not, what were the possbilities and what wouldn't be. i prepared myself metally, but honestly now that i am here, i'm taken aback, i really never thought it would be so hard. i thought i was ready, i thought whatever comes, i would be able to handle it step by step. but it's only been a few sessions and i am at ground zero, feeling all too demoralised. it wasn't like they have been pushing me hard or stressing me out. it's got nothing to do with them. it's me. i'm stressing, i'm thinking and i'm getting upset and feeling very lost all too suddenly.
i'm not feeling the bond like i once had. i miss how it always felt, homesick maybe but i know i made the choice and i cannot look back now. it isn't fair, not just to me but to everyone else. i dont wanna give up. i know i was holding back yesterday. but why? i really wonder. am i intimidated? am i unhappy? or perhaps i'm just bad. i know i'm lagging behind but i never knew it would really be so tough. really, honestly, i know i'm not at my fittest nor have i been having ample training but i'm pretty shattered and i can't figure out why.
if i don't overcome myself and figure out why i'm feeling the way i am feeling, i'm just gonna keep holding back myself and i won't ever know my true capabilities. i don't want that, not after what i have build for myself and come to. i don't wanna pull myself down nor the team. i need to get up and get out. i need to start drilling it in me that this really is the right choice. moving on was never easy and i'm willing to try and learn. it's for the better and i know it. sigh.
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