music: pink: fucking perfect.

ive had a weekend more or less to myself. i actually was alright being alone. surprising considering that ive always been the one to not sit around and not do anything or go anywhere. but i was contented to slack away in the comfort of home, watching episodes of modern family and hiding under the sheets.

ive had time to think about myself. ive had time to confuse myself and mess my brain rather.

i need to find myself. i need someone to tell me i am fucking perfect.

i am everything i am beause you love me mom and dad.

i'd like to believe that i am doing something so different from what my genes tell me that i am made for. i'd like to believe that i dont want to settle for normal but to push the limits and always be better.

but it's so so hard. i am at my wits end. i am so scared that i'll never get anywhere. i am afraid to let go and tell anyone. i am unwilling to give up but this burden is too heavy.



i am sinking.

again and again. why, i really dont understand. help please, help now.

sucking it up and doing my best to focus on this week's papers first. sigh.

muscles and bones, i need you to help me.

i need to focus focus focus. i promise myself i will. turning in now, waking early tomorrow and starting right. need to be discipline. now.

i remember when my grandmother told me that i shouldnt play around and make noise in the kitchen because the kitchen god wouldnt be happy and he would report bad things about me to the upstairs people. i remember how she would fry niangao with eggs and i would love eating it non-stop. she would then tell me how we need to cook and eat niangao every year because we need to sweeten the kitchen's god mouth so that he would say nice things about us to the upstairs people.


haha. i miss you popo.

no point, no direction, no nothing.

i have no place in my own home to roam freely around and do my work and study because everywhere is occupied.

i have no rights to want to clarify my doubts because you are so good at just running away.

i have no one that i can pour out my sorrows to, i am hurting so much.

i had a dream about my lecturer, dr low. it was regarding desperately needing extra lessons from him one on one.

this sure is a huge sign for me to study big time already.

music: cheryl cole: parachute

hi, did i mentioned that you make me happy dear friend? it's the little things, it's when we do nothing in particular at all. the same feeling of familarity, the security that you give me. i know you'll never walk out on me, leave me alone and neglect me. i know you'll be there when ever and where ever. i trust myself with you.so annoying, so tiring but we'll get put of this phase in life somehow. we'll be better if we try.

the present's just a pleasant.

let me take this moment to be selfish, to be upset and let everything to be about just myself. the hurt has become a norm, a constant wave now and then and i cannot avoid it. i can only sail along and take what decides to come.

maybe you were the one who walked out, the one whom i thought would stay but didnt. maybe i was always the one to stay, right here waiting. maybe i just wanna cry my eyes out in front of you, just so you can see the hurt i've been bearing.

moments like this, reminds me that i am human. moments like this make me helplessly lost.

hurt, i am trying. hurt, i am putting on my mask now.

'the first star you see may not be a star, i'm not your star.'

sam and shannon's solemnisation.

congratulations you both, be blessed and happy a long time.the witnesses (lucas and i) with the married couple. (myself, saburi ken and samantha halley!)

this reminds me of old poly times, we'll always be kids at heart.

it being my first time at a marriage solemnisation and being sam's witness, i didnt know what to expect at all. but now i know. the feeling of excitment and nervousness, the feeling of happiness waiting to burst out. i wasnt the one saying my vows, i was just the witness at the side lines but nontheless i could feel the tears building up and it was a sudden flash back about how we have all grown up and moved along so quickly in life. it made me wonder if i would ever get married. it made me wonder if i would even find the right person. it made me so uncertain with my life. i was delighted for the both of them, but still, i couldnt help feeling envious on how they found each other. thank you my dears, for the invitation and allowing me to witness this whole moment.

a meeeeeee liiiii aaaaaaaaaaaaa .

too good to be true, i should have known..

i miss you; s.

music: leona lewis: happy

and here goes, my days are quite aimless. i wanted to start 2011 with a bang, with a direction and a positive smile each day. but i realise there are so many things that are still so blurry and i need answers to go on. i'll take each day at a time. i may be miserable as can be now, but im doing my best not to give up. it really is heavy and difficult but i cant die in my sleep now so yea.

a new year, a fresh week and the start of school again today. also, sam and shannon got married. ROM and i had the honour of being sam's witness :) i couldnt help feeling so joyfully happy, but a tingle of sadness was present in me nontheless as i feel the sense of dejection and thinking of this day for me might just never come through. pathetic as it sounds, but yes i felt that way. side note, congrats sam and shannon, be blessed and happy. love ya'll.

the only thing that make me feel that tab better better about myself today was lecture. dr low and his classes, awesome. and as pathetic as it can get yet again, the fact that he talked to me and mentioned how he loved the way i dressed today, really perked me that much more and made me feel happy. yea i know, im that sad. im very determine to sink into my school books and sink in my misery. oh wells.

i'm trying to perk myself with nice happy songs like i always do, but doesnt seem to be working. i can feel that bag of rocks on my back, i feel locked up still.

it hurts to wake up because the stabbing pain lingers and my mind cant help but wonders off. i am alone. i dont wanna wake because all i see are happy people around and i cant bear to face all that. i am miserable.

because i dont care who reads my blog. i dont care really who wants to bother about me. i dont care how anyone would think i am complicated or think too much.


maybe all i am saying is that i cannot pretend to be alright anymore. i hate everything else now. everything.

happy 2011, to me.

new year's eve, i stood alone at the beach watching the fireworks. no one was there for me to hug and scream and be happy. no one called nor texted. i started to cry as the colours were bursting right up in front above me. it wasn't because i was happy. i was miserable. i realise how alone i really was. i realise that what's the point of working so hard to keep it all together? i ended up alone anyways. the feeling of emptiness really ate me up good.

honestly, i was hoping for a better start to the new year. i was so determined. but not anymore. i am hurting so much inside. i dont feel motivated nor do i feel the need or want to try now. each step i take now feels really meaningless. i dont know what i am living for right now.

i am moodless and i feel the tears welling up every moment. dont bother to understand me. it will stab you.