music: michael jackson: this is it

im cracking up over the SI exam this week. i'm having cold feet. i'm actually freaking out a little. sigh.








i feel like getting ink again.

i felt the angels cry.

i've just had one of the worst weeks by far in a long time. i'm really really not finding it easy to settle down as a university student. it's so so tough. after a short break from the exams, i had a weird ass bad gut feeling that something just wasn't right. and yea, i was right. i checked my uwa mail on monday and there it was, an email by julie hill telling me about plagiarism found in my essay...yet again. now, i was given a chance to re-edit my essay and i did! i earnestly sat down and spent time to look through everything once again. i was pretty sure that i had done a good job but i guess wrong. sigh! i was utterly speechless and was almost close to tears because when i read that mail, it felt like that was it. like i was black listed and that i was a horrible student. that was to me, the worst thing that could happen to me. back then i was younger, i was always the student who needed to get everything right and be accepted. i guess i never grew out of that. anyways, i scheduled an interview with dr cj koh and after that meeting with him, i'm much more relieved. i told him honestly that all this school and module and what not was really overwhelming to me because i was so fresh and i felt kinda lost. hopefully i'm cleared of anything bad. thank goodness sheena accompanied me throughout the interview. i would prolly have broken down because really, i'm just so fragile inside. i'm scared at anything academic. i suck at all that studying matters. i'm really just praying for all to be better now. i can't do much now anyways. i've emailed julie and told her about how it was all an honest mistake and i never meant to cheat or whatsoever. you know, it ain't that bad in a way. it was only like 13% plagiarism. sheena said she saw like others who had 40-50% and over. ah well! it still sucks like crap to be like 'labelled'.

that aside, i'm digging my new unit, human movement. actually, i'm totally loving my lecturer, dr low. he's awesome, totally. he makes lectures so interesting by bringing everything down and relating our learning to things we can relate to and understand. He's funny and he's accent is to die for some how. so clear and yet so doctor-ish. haha. yea. i feel myself being motivated to go for classes and looking forward to see him and actually wanting to work hard for this unit. i truly want to grasp everything because it feels to me that he's making so much of an effort to help us, so i do owe him in a way. he makes me feel good in so many ways about school suddenly :) a plus point for a crapped up week. oh well! i wanna marry a doctor la. so smart, so rich, so nice, some more can have smart kids. lol.

people like my lecturer can manage to make me happy and feel good about myself. they make me think that perhaps life isn't all that ugly and hard. maybe i can do this alone and maybe i am already contented. but then it all fades away and i get emotional and i find myself wondering what is it that is lacking. i miss you i guess, but no one in particular. i'm kinda tired of doing all these alone.

xoxo

it's over!

:)

heading to bed now now now! gotta wake for rp biathlon in a few hours time!

xoxo.

'love you like a louis vuitton heels in a mini skirt'

im feeling so so numb now. the practical exam just now wasn't good or bad. it wasn't horrible because i didn't find anything unfamiliar. it was horrific because instead, i was finding it difficult to recall the answers. its bad i tell you. im pretty convinced that its already a goner. sigh! ive got to squeeze the last droplets of juice outta my brains for this friday's theory paper :( im not very confident either.

i cant help but want to cry out loud and yell in someone's face about how i think it's crazy that i am only given about 2 freaking months to learn and master every darn thing about human biology....part 1 did i mention? sighh...zzzz....yea, there's human biology part 2 in my upcoming timetable as well. ive never ever done a bio paper by far and ive never knew anything much to do with bio as well. so how is it that i am really expected to grasp everything single detail in uni language about the unit??!!

i know i shouldnt be whining but i cant help myself. i dont wanna fail though i know my chances are ever so slim now. i started school wanting to do well but i started hitting pit bottom since day 1 id say. ive gotta buck up somehow. i need to go on.

on another note, im kinda relieve that im helping sheena be her co-host for her secondary school (SM) prom night. its scripted somehow but we're going impromptu. i havent exactly found any outfit by heck with it since we're just gonna be the emcees. haha! i cant wait to sort of go back in time for abit and see how it was like back in the secondary school prom day once again. then again, this time around, it'll prolly be more hip with fancier dresses, drastic make ups and killer heels or at least something like that. back then when i had my secondary school prom night, it was still pretty simple. oh wells, time catches everyone at anytime and swings right by.

i've always loved and wanted to paint my nails all glittery pretty but have never really found the right type of nail polish. also, i totally refuse to pay to do my nails because for one thing, paying to paint my nails glittery is costly and secondly, i'm in the water so often and that only encourages my nail polish to chip faster. so really, what's the point?

but i can't resist pretty nails, (so chio <3) who wouldn't love it! nevertheless, i would totally love to try nail extensions one day, though it won't do any good for my jobs at all. all the crystals and colours and glitter are too much to resist :) i'm not a girly girl but i am a girl after all and 'oohing and ahhing' at pretty things are just in the female system.

so anyways, the other day when i saw minhui's nails, it was totally love at first sight. it was glittery shinny, and of course i had to ask her where she bought her nail polish from and how much it cost! but that silly girl said her mom bought it and till now, she hasn't told me where it's from yet. haha! but of course i couldn't wait and i asked to borrow the nail polish to use! so here goes, the 'chioness' of the glittery nails!

with flash:

without flash:

i know my painting skills sucks but the point is to look at all that glittery nail polish!

so shinny from afar, even sheena and the rest said that they had kept noticing my nails just now!

and of course, the nail polish itself! i have no idea what brand it is. i'm simply guessing that it's some cheena brand that is cheap. that would make me very happy!

credits: to minhui's nail polish!

imma head to bed now. i shall wake early to run in the morning and then start on my studying before heading to work. i must, i must keep to my plan!

xoxo

my very first exam paper as a uni student is in a few hours time and really, im so numb to being nervous. i wanna breakdown, i wanna cry and whine and give up, but i know i cant. it would be ridiculous, it woulbe definitely be uncalled for. im suppose to be a big girl now, im suppose to be able to understand, manage and get through with everything. and so, as much as i can say that ive studied and prepared for the human biology paper later, i am so not prepared. i cant seem to remember much at all, the terms are too much, the details are never ending. ive had about two months for just this single module, it seems like alot of time but really, i beg to differ. overloaded.

'i don't think i have the answer to everything now.'

music: mariah carey: i want to know what love is

my exam is almost in a week's time and i still can't seem to find the motivation to devote myself entirely to the books. there are so many things going on with myself. the weekend were spent having school, coaching and resting because i was feeling so horribly sick. kinda like tired sick but im better now, apart from coughing.

i promised myself to do well for the last quiz this friday and so, i really am trying my best to focus focus focus. sigh! so much to do but when the motivation isn't in you, to amount of time can be useful.




that aside, i've been feeling so hesistant about letting new people into my life. i'm scared to be honest. i can't decide what the hell is wrong at all. i yearn for all the laughter and cosy time with friends, yes, just friends. i guess i feel the safeness in them as compared to just someone alone now. then again, i miss just lazing around at the beach and dreaming my time away. school kills everything somehow :(

music: avril lavigne: knocking on heaven's door.

this is the story of my life, growing up in my middle teenage years, i was never a troublemaker. i was in fact, a really good student, a really good daughter. i was your paranoid child who did all her homework, who listen and did everything the teacher said. yea, i was a slow learner but i never gave up because i was so afraid of what the future held for me. i never was able to see much, i was always shelter i'd say, always within the boundaries. going to poly was a whole new chapter for me. i opened up, i saw so much more the world could offer. working at beach patrol exposed me too many things as well. suddenly, i realised how much i have to catch up on. suddenly it occured to me, how much i have to grow up and adjust to. i realised that i needed to make decisions in life and decide who i was.

and so i made a bunch of awesome friends who come from all walks of life. some more priviledge than me and some not. but nontheless, i've come to realise that perhaps it isnt about our family backgrounds and where we came from. what's important is that we found each other and that the truth is we are is this life together, fighting to go on and moving on to create a life for ourselves.

to some, family is everything while to others, family is merely somewhere they came from. i look back at my own family sometimes, i compare myself to my friends sometimes. i wish sometimes that my parents were that loving, that doting to my brother and i, and had sent us to every classes available or maybe picked us up from any sport trainings we had. i know they care, i know they love us. they havent kicked us aside, they havent stopped supporting us but i guess that i yearn for some closeness at times. im not making an effort i know, but i guess i dont know how to anymore. i cant relate to my dad anymore. once upon a time i was daddy's girl who loved to stepped on his feet and dance with him to his country music. but all that's in the past now. he's morphed into someone i never thought he would become now.

maybe that's why now i really find it so hard to trust anyone with myself now. after so many failed relationships, faking of close family portrait, ive come to realised that there really is no point in hiding anything now. giving up and pushing aside all the masks i had.