music: natalie: love you so

i guess how i've really been feeling is disappointment in myself. jealousy yes, definitely. when you put your whole heart into it and dedicated your passion and attention to it since you were 15, you would expect to be some where by now. my first great taste of success and somewhat victory was 2011 in darwin. it may have been a long and winding ride to have gotten to it but the end result was tasteful. im not saying that i would want to go through all the drama for it again but what im saying is that i would do it again, over again and again but the right way this time.

2012 has been great. I've been living right and i've found my mr right. ive been doing my best to be good and it's happening easily, naturally. no one told me that i had to go through so much and to wait 23 years for me to meet someone so special to complete my life. he's good for me and i love him very much. it started right and im hoping it'll be more than anything else.

so with all thats going great, why is life unfair to not allow everything to be fulfilled for me. have i neglected things and not keep a balance? all i wanted was to get in and be a part of world rescue this year. it meant so much to me. i couldnt mask my sadness, i couldnt pretend it didnt matter. it stabbed me right in my heart and it kept bleeding. and it was more torturing to have gotten into the accident. ive been helpless. i try to think positively, i make up too many excuses to try and feel better but i realize that the tears ive been shedding these days is because i didnt make it. it hurts just to try and picture all that the chosen team was going through. its mindfuckingly painful. it brought out the worst in me, made me feel seriously useless and all that i held on to was meaningless and worthless.

i always knew what lifesaving meant to me. it grew on me, its my way of life. take that away from me and i'd be lost and be left with nothing.

wrecked.

i blog this post with a heavy heart. the car accident on wednesday while at driving lesson sure has been a shocker to me. i never would have thought that something like this would have ever happened to me at all. Ironically, a while back i witnessed an accident almost identical to the one that i was in. me, an innocent part turning right on green arrow light and suddenly this stupid van driver comes straight out and collides with me. my car was wrecked bad while the van got away with a partially wrecked side. my instructor bumped his head, the van driver got a few scratches on his arm and paint spilled all over him and as for me, i got a fractured left forearm.

it happened all too quickly. i remember being obviously very shocked and tearing and when my instructor said get out of the car and i tried i felt the pain on my arm. i couldnt even get the door to open properly and the smell of metal and petrol with the smoke all around was horrible. standing at the junction, i was helpless and clueless. i cant really recall now what went through my mind but i knew many people were staring and looking on. i mean the road was busy and it was a bad crash. the wrecked car was blocking the flow of traffic. then this nice man from the car company behind came forward and offered me water. i was really thankful.

then the ambulance came and it started to really sink in that this actually happened. i was concerned about the stinging sensation that was on my face but they said that there were no cuts and it was alright. i believed them thinking i was just not functioning right then. i mean ive never been in an accident, maybe that was how i was supposed to feel and react. then was the arm. it just get swelling and all i could hope for was that it wasnt a fracture and just some bad swelling going on.

sitting in the ambulance i was glad to be away from all those eyes. safe for a brief moment. then we reached changi general hospital and they insisted on wheeling me in. again i felt the stares, i guess people were wondering why i was there. it was then i realized the abrasion on my face and lip. it was obvious. as i was waiting around to be checked by the doctor and x-rayed, my mind settled in and i was thinking more clearly.

it was fear that crept up. i was upset that if it was a fracture, i would have to cancel all my coaching lessons and i couldnt bear to do that at all! my kids are my happy pills plus i was worried my absence would encourage the parents to move on to another coach. i started getting angry and it just brought more tears. then i moved on to worrying about my exam. the thought of having to study handicapped and possibly to do my papers in a cast was scary. i was almost convinced that i was not going to do well. what came next was me thinking i was lucky to have not got into world rescue because believe me i would go mad and furious. to have worked so hard and not be able to go suddenly because of someone else's recklessness would be beyond unfair and stupid.

when the doctor finally broke the news of my fractured arm to me, i was lucky to have convinced myself that it probably was just that already. by then i was just plain moodless. i wasted a day and now my life would have to sort of be on hold because of the extend of my injury.

the driving school has been very nice and have called to check on me and rearrange my lessons. they have even sent me a fruit basket in which i was surprised to receive. as for the van driver, to not have even said a word of sorry and for pushing the blame to me, seriously shame on you. i judge how you have been brought up and how much of a person you are. you didnt show any more of emotion except to push the blame entirely to me. i certainly do not want to see you ever again.

i am feeling pretty blah about everything now. it really is troublesome moving around and doing stuff with a cast on. it makes my mood fluctuate alot and it made looking at the selected team to go for world rescue much worst. i knew i would be sad but this brought my sadness level way up. sigh. of course i am jealous, i wish i was good enough to make it. it's like i failed myself in terms of lifesaving this year. the benchmark only goes higher, not lower and i can't help but feel that i didn't prove myself worthy this year. once you've tasted what it's like up there, you won't wanna settle for any less and that's what i feel.

i can only suck it up an just pray for a speedy recovery now :( and oh yes, i typed this whole entry with just my right hand.

music: the script featuring will.i.am: hall of fame

dishearted.

i didn't make it...

well i tried, did the best i possibly could.

being a swim coach and adoring my kids, i find myself wondering now how i would be when i have kids in future. 

music: marina and the diamonds: primadonna

to the drama life i chose to move away from, i've always still wondered how it'd be like to have pursued you. a huge part of me is made up of being expressive, loud and dramatic. strip me of it all and it really isn't me anymore. everyone knows it, how i am and how i enjoy myself to be. i may not be everyone's kind of friend but to those who have stuck around, i'll try to be sure to entertain your lives as much as i can. it might sound kind of crazy to people but many a times i find myself playing a song mentally in my mind as to how i am feeling at that moment and with that, it springs me round and round and gets me going some how. the rush of excitement and gush of emotions, it's how i work, it's how it makes me sane. it's my little very own fairytale stories and i'm pretty contented this way. 

'primadonna girl, all i ever wanted was the world'

i'll love you for the rest of my life.

i take moments to stop and reflect. i take moments to be quiet and think to myself about my life and the people in it. these moments i have take me back a long way, to days when i was a child, usually the happy moments. i've been blessed with a great family. an elder brother for me to squabble and be crazy with and parents who have never demanded anything out of me. they are supportive in subtle ways and i know they do their best to give me everything they can. though not always being expressive and having a whole lot of communication, but in their little ways and gestures, i know they love me and are proud of me. i liked when mom tells me how dada had wanted a daughter and they tried hard to have me. somehow it makes me feel special. i love when he picked his guitar up and sang back in the days. i would sit and listen, looking at him and now i realize how soulful it all was, like it was his own words to me. i liked when he picked my clothes out on saturday mornings before we headed out. i missed being daddy's little girl. there really is nothing at all that i would want to change about how i was brought up. listening to classics and dancing along standing on the feet on my dad, all these heartfelt memories i treasure for the rest of my life.

ted ted TEDDY!

Just my belated birthday present from some awesome team mates <3 haha.

you don't bother me no more kennychong.

Seriously, I don't care at all about you anymore. You've never been there and only appear when you needed me around. I've always been the last resort and as much as I was stupid enough to have cared and done so much for you for too long, it doesn't matter anymore because I have found someone who treats me like gold. Someone who has made me realize how it actually feels like to be loved and appreciated. He actually respects me and genuinely cares. I am truly happy and I'm sure I have finally made a right and best decision. I don't need your comments or blessing, nothing at all from you. For awhile now, I have let go, let go of you and everything we once upon a time had. I'll never regret getting rid of you, out of my life. It's been great, it's been fabulous. I choose to believe that I got the last laugh.   

1st.

Happy 1st my lover boy, you've been such a joy to be with.

music: jennifer lopez: dance again

you win some and you lose some. there are ups and there are downs in life. i've seen worst days and i've seen better ones. i've been there and done all that. i've tried and i've tasted. i've question and i've wasted. you make me happy and there's no doubt about it.

because humans can be so mean and say the nastiest things.

music: taylor swift: safe and sound

because it can't be true, good things don't happen to me. because of everything that has happened, it has scarred me. never really knew how bad but i realize now. these walls, these walls that i have built they won't come down as much as i want them to now. and the people around me, i'm not sure that they can help me. because this monster i have inside of me, it holds me back, it controls my mind and it really fucks me up. i try to let go, i really try but it's so hard. how do people walk away just like that, how do people change all too suddenly. i'm scared that i'll mess you up, i am scared that if that happens we won't have what we have now anymore. i am scared of everything that's to do with you. if i mess up, i'll be ruining everything and i'll be picking up the pieces again. if i can prevent that why not right? but my mind's kinda hazy now and my feelings are way too strong. i'm letting you in but i'm so afraid, i don't know if i can trust myself to not mess things up.

how much do i want this? 


so bad that i've spent my life working up to it. it's like a dedication i sworn myself to and an dying passion that i live by. i may not have had a great start compared to others but i started from ground zero. i've built what i have around me today and i think i earned all of it, all through sheer hard work. never slacking off but only wanting more. 


i want to be surrounded by the right people, the kind who will push me to be better and support me on my journey. the kind who believe in me and the kind who will always have that confidence in me. i trust people, i don't need you to spoon feed me but i just want you recognize what i have done and will be doing. it's important to me that people see what i do because one day i want to be an inspiration. 

music: ed sheeran: small bump

songs like this make me feel like everything really is gonna be alright. 


makes me think of a sunny breezy day and all is see around me is the blue sea, fine sand and green grass. 


i am just lying there with ease with a smile on.

music: natasha bedingfield: weightless

i trust enough to share,

care enough to make the effort,

feel enough to want to try

and wake each day in hopes that it'll be better than before.

23rd.

pleasant surprises.

days like these make me feel like for all that i have done and gone through and held on to was worth it. that real friends and sincere people still do exists. helps me to keep hoping and keep the faith. gives me the strength to go on and make the best of life. because i live for not just myself but these friends. they gave meaning to my life, left imprints that created the chapters and memories. thank you for everything and for as long as i can, i'll do my best to be there all the time :)

missed you bff.

music: meredith brooks: bitch

funny how you've always looked up to people and could possibly see them as the world. you wanna be just like them, following in their foot steps and aim to get where they are.

what if your task was to be part of them and once you got that you realize it doesn't feel all that well. something seems missing but you tell yourself that it'll get better and that all that pressure is good for you.

and then something happened and it leaves a scar. the one person that your trusted all the time to be reasonable and nice suddenly uses a different tone and body language to speak to you. it makes you confuse and flashbacks appears. it makes you scared and then suddenly you stop to think that could it possibly just be that the people have changed and things are different now? perhaps they aren't the same as before and they are no more who you aim to become.

greatness doesn't get you all that far. you may be strong and the best but what's the point of it all when you do it without an aim? with no passionate direction is like having a mindless plan. you don't go into depth of it all but simply choose to stick on the surface.

maybe this is what it has become. maybe i grew out of it and somehow i am telling myself that i should follow my heart.

music: natasha bedingfield: strip me

me time, i don't think i have much of that at all and perhaps that's why lately i've been feeling all flustered and too much of on the go. too much things that i'm trying to get settled and maybe just too much to juggle all at the same time.

i guess being alone, i expect so much more out of myself. to be more efficient and organized, that's definitely something i expect that i should be now. so when i think i've had it all worked out and planned and then suddenly something comes along and just screws it up for me, i really am upset and disappointed.

dejected maybe? i'm not sure. i've always been revolving my schedule around school. I mean after that is and should be my priority. so when they postponed the exam to the following week, as speechless as i was, i couldn't complain. for one, i do have more time to study now but the thing is it really screwed my diving plans over.

i've been wanting to go on the rescue diver course for awhile now and maybe it was because i really was looking forward to taking it and as well as to just get away from everything, i was angry and then upset and then just really really disappointed. it affected me very much.

suck it up now, life throws lemons at us all. sigh.

music: across the universe: all my loving

each time i watch a movie, i get so wrapped up in all the emotions by just putting myself in their shoes and imaging how it would feel like.

the feeling always sucks.

because they said that all we needed was love.

what if that's not true?

this is still it.

i'll keep this for someone else because you threw it all away.

music: the script: breakeven

i hate you kenny chong. for all that you have put me through, for all the lies and for everything that i have wasted on you. you don't deserve to have me. i was stupid and i still am because you still hurt me but i will delete you off my life.

music: adele: someone like you

sometimes i feel like i think too much, expect too much, demand too much, be strong too much and fear too much. and with all that said, when i crumble i break down into loud wobbly sobs that can go on for a long time. the pain can be excruciating and can make me feel ever so alone. no one deserves to ever feel the way i feel. i think that i am on the right track in life, think that i am doing my best to focus and doing my bravest to be independent and have no one by me. i'm afraid to be broken again, afraid to feel the heart break and heart ache all over again. i wish to learn trust again, to let loose and let someone catch me again. i want to feel the warmth of another again and i want to stop being scared and scarred by my past and memories. i don't wish to be haunted forever by what others did to me. i will keep moving on and get better but life gets a little tiring sometimes and it'd be nice to have someone like you.

don't burst my bubble?

music: mary black: once in a very blue moon

baby girl.

life without you would suck. you are my precious, my princess, my buddy, my love. you love me back without fail all the time and give me furry hugs and let me kiss you on the head. i love you today, tomorrow and forever.

y.

you make me wanna take care of you and fuss over you.

you make me feel like if we had chances, you could take me on adventures.

you are down to earth and realistic about things.

you may seem to have a cold and hard exterior but i see the vulnerability inside.

you are so adorable to me, i wanna just pull you in and hold you close because you're so cute in so many unspoken ways.

your attraction to me however, is it real? will it last? is it just a sisterly love?

it makes me wonder and it makes me scared to know perhaps i want more.

are we on the same page?

i'm just being a girl.

i'm not a shopaholic nor am i a die hard brand conscious person but these bags are so gorgeous i want them!

celine luggage tote bag.

louis vuitton shoulder bucket bag.

chinese new year 2012.

chinese new year is one of the occasion where families gather and there will be endless supply of glorious food, laughter, looking good and of course angpows!! i guess what's most important is the togetherness of it all, you feel home and belonged, you feel wanted and loved.

my new year resolutions to put it simply,

(1) delete any negativity in my life.

(2) focus on school, coachings and trainings.

(3) treasure and bask in the love of my family friends and the little and simple things in life.

so what if i don't find someone special to share it with, i've realize that i can do it alone because i've never really been alone in life but in fact i have all this lovely people and great happenings going on around me. i see it all right now.

our annual louhei by the pool sure i getting bigger and messier with more people joining us :) this team that i call my 2nd home never fails to make me keep the faith and push on.

cny is one of the few occasions that is ok to fuss around and look pretty and nice haha. no one's gonna really judge you for it all.

and because my relatives and my family aren't close knitted, we don't get to see each other all the time so when i do see my little cousin and nephew especially, i am amaze at how time really flies and they are all growing so fast!

and of course cny isn't complete without the huge spread of endless food and drinks!

it's really interesting and nice to see how old folks still treasure the cny tradition so much and really do up the place and ensure that the goodies are bought for loved ones to snack on.

friends open their houses up and invite you to their homes, nice gestures, even nicer to just be merrier and spend some quality time together.

and of course the gambling! it went on and on and on, too bad i don't gamble, no interest at all.

another great thing about cny is i actually bother to clear, clean and decorate my stuff again and all the receiving of angpows!

i enjoyed myself this cny, it was tiring but i treasure every moment of it.

fixie.

oh so beautiful babies where have you been all my life. haha. they are all really pretty and cute but my real baby is right here.

my wish to finally make the switch from a mountain bike to a roadie came through last december when i put my words to action. i found you love, i made the change :)