i guess how i've really been feeling is disappointment in myself. jealousy yes, definitely. when you put your whole heart into it and dedicated your passion and attention to it since you were 15, you would expect to be some where by now. my first great taste of success and somewhat victory was 2011 in darwin. it may have been a long and winding ride to have gotten to it but the end result was tasteful. im not saying that i would want to go through all the drama for it again but what im saying is that i would do it again, over again and again but the right way this time.
2012 has been great. I've been living right and i've found my mr right. ive been doing my best to be good and it's happening easily, naturally. no one told me that i had to go through so much and to wait 23 years for me to meet someone so special to complete my life. he's good for me and i love him very much. it started right and im hoping it'll be more than anything else.
so with all thats going great, why is life unfair to not allow everything to be fulfilled for me. have i neglected things and not keep a balance? all i wanted was to get in and be a part of world rescue this year. it meant so much to me. i couldnt mask my sadness, i couldnt pretend it didnt matter. it stabbed me right in my heart and it kept bleeding. and it was more torturing to have gotten into the accident. ive been helpless. i try to think positively, i make up too many excuses to try and feel better but i realize that the tears ive been shedding these days is because i didnt make it. it hurts just to try and picture all that the chosen team was going through. its mindfuckingly painful. it brought out the worst in me, made me feel seriously useless and all that i held on to was meaningless and worthless.
i always knew what lifesaving meant to me. it grew on me, its my way of life. take that away from me and i'd be lost and be left with nothing.
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