People are fascinating.

I think that everyone knows Fear. Everyone is afraid, scared to be unaccepted or to fail. They musk this fear with an imaginary wall. This wall of fake confidence. How many people do you know have confidence that is so real?

I am one of those fearful people. There are so many things to be scared about in this big big world. I am one and I am so small in comparison to this universe. But I try to make it worthwhile with my time here on earth.

I think that people who are bullies, be it verbally or physically, are deep down real cowards. I gonna be honest and think that to a certain extent I am my own hero because I take this nasty comments and save myself from them. I don't do anything much, I simply hurt. And then I pick myself up and go on. I say to myself to shrug it off because life is simply to previous to waste my time on these losers.

Yes you may be my friend and I may know you. Yes you may be smart, capable and great but that doesn't mean that you can be mean. That certainly does not make you think that you are superior and the boss of everyone else. You are a bully. I label you that and it pops up in my mind whenever I see you or hear about you. No wait, I usually cannot be bothered to want to remember you much because when I do, I get annoyed and I don't wanna ruin my day.

Well, to all my bullies out there, here's my message to you. Maybe think before you act towards me. You think you know me but don't assume so. Just because I act all nice and gullible towards people does not mean I am stupid.

I am human, I have feelings. And whatever you do is just gonna make me way stronger.

I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake it off

I haven't been in a good place since coming home from Perth. Not at my best for sure but merely threading water and barely surfacing up to breathe.

I am old enough to understand and know that life goes on no matter what. Time waits for no one. Feelings are....feelings but that doesn't mean that you can take a break from the world. You stop to try and heal and you lose out.

Life is a game and a race. Make a wrong move and you suffer setbacks. Everyone is in this rat race. We may not have chosen to be in it but so long as you are living, you don't have a choice. In this game of life, there are choices to be made. Big, small, important, unnecessary, etc, we have to think, decide and then deal with the consequences be it good or bad.

Now, of course i've had my fair share of shitty bad choices about anything and everything that you can possibly think of but I guess it's all those stupid bad choices that has made me who I am today. Believe it or not, it has some how given me my character. Of course the good choices influenced my being as well but I'd say it's the bad mistakes that leave a heavier impression to remind myself not to be stupid again.

I think of myself as a stronger individual after my current life experiences. After all I find myself more confident and sure, like I an justify the way I live. With that said, I can safely say that I am no longer the girl who is shy and timid. The one that is afraid to hurt people and thus keep my comments to myself. The one that is cautious with my words because I don't want to upset people. I rather upset myself and agree with them then to see them dismay at me disagreeing with them. I guess you can say that I use to live my life trying to please people. I was afraid of how they thought of me and I always tried to be on my best behavior around them. I lived my life based on peoples' judgement about me.

Fast forward to my mid twenties and I can see how I am different. I have changed......for good. I have finally shed my snake skin (about time) and I am slowly easing into my new self too. Perth was my transition stage. It was also when I discovered how I was so easily sensitive to peoples' mean comments towards me. Whether or not they meant it or were merely just joking, I simply found it nasty. It was just plain mean and not nice at all. I felt the deepest of hurt and i felt so alone. Like I literally wanted to wallow into my hole of misery. It was hard I admit, I had no idea if I was just being home sick or picky or annoying. I tried to 'suck it up princess', I tried pretending I didn't hear shit they said, I tried faking a smile and laughing it off. I thought it would fade.

I tried coming here to write but my mind was blocked. Then I turned to my Perth diary to pen down my sorrows as part of my Aussie journey, I decided I wanted to remember the happy and the bad times I would have in Perth, It was gonna be real and unedited. Even so it didn't really help me feel a lot better. I still had trouble writing and expressing my hurt. I wrote happy motivating quotes on sticky notes and pasted them around my room and tried to feel more like I was in a positive place. And then I'd break down and cry. But with that cycle repeating on and off, I managed to go on with living and enjoyed myself too. Hence, what they say 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger', it is true. The truth is once you give in, you lose.

So, all I am saying is that people come and go, people say things that break you and hurt you, people may suddenly have a sudden change of heart, different people may see you in many different lights but you have to love yourself. No matter what, listen and trust yourself.

I am not saying to be the biggest bitch in the world by shutting everyone out but weigh the situation out as well. At the end of the race, you are the only judge for yourself to conclude if in this given life was it fulfilling?

'Do more of what makes you happy'

I've learnt that you can never please everyone. You won't end up being happy and  being yourself. Grow up, grow out, realize the ones that stick around no matter what happens. For me, the few that I have satisfy me and keep me very happy. These are the ones that will also give me whatever amount of time I need to find and restore myself.

Gotta go listen to some Taylor Swift 'Shake it Off' on repeat nowww

standstill.

I feel like my life is at a standstill right now. Since I've been back, I can't seem to move on with life like I should. All because I haven't gotten that damn result and I don't know for sure if I am graduating this September or next year. 

Sigh, I really feel so stagnant. I wanna be done, I wanna feel refreshed and feel super excited and ambitious about the next chapter of my life. I feel that this whole graduation thing is holding me back and I just feel so…..dead. 

I miss Perth, I miss the life I had there. I was excited to be home and see everyone and the kids and move on with life here but it's just not working out now and i'm really feeling pretty bummed out and frustrated.

Back off.

Hiatus.

I feel like the need to break away from my social network called....friends.

Quit judging me for every single damn thing.

So damn tired of people saying I take so long to finish my studies and it's a waste of time and money blah blahh

So freaking annoyed of people telling me I'm not good enough, I'm too fat too short too fair too whateverr

So fucking irritated that people don't take me seriously and think I don't take myself seriously.

I am so fucking pissed off and disappointed in everyone. What everyone of you do not realize is that all these judgement is killing me bit by bit inside.

I am starting to question myself. Who am I? Am I lost, at a stand still suddenly?

I am therefore going, going gone.

In a world full of humans, I am one. I am small and my living presence will probably not make a huge impact to many. 

But yet, people strive to achieve and create differences in the lives of others. I am one of that many. 

Is it only normal that humans are put into this living world to only want to leave behind their footprints when they leave this world?

Angst.

'That's the thing about people, they only focus on the things you do badly at.'

I've always been the joke in the group, the one whom people poke fun of. I've always been the unpretty one amongst my friends, the one that's too short, too fat, too loud and what not. I've grew up having people not really taken me seriously at all and I've always felt inferior to them. It's like the people around me constantly think that I am not good enough and I will forever not be better than them.

I guess with all that said and felt, I am lucky to not have fallen into a hell hole of depression and become a weak, lack of confidence introvert person. Thank goodness that within myself, somehow somewhere I had the unconscious strength to keep going and not break apart.

25 years and today I've decided that I will not tolerate being nothing. I've been growing up towards being someone with a goal and a dream. I will not let anyone tell me that I am not good enough. Yes, I may not be the world's smartest person and ace all my exams or not fail in anything but to me, the process, the path I've gone through has taught me a lot and shaped me to be who I am today. I have a story to tell, do you? Or is yours just another photocopy perfect book like everyone else? 

I think that I am my own best judge. I don't exactly go around telling the entire universe what my aspirations are and what is it that I want to do with my life. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anything worth while in my life going on.

like whatever, I choose to be happy.

and so i will, enough said.

aussified.

Aussie living and I am completely loving it all. This magical place has taught me so much. It motivates me and keeps my drive going. And yet it slows me down at the right moments and makes me see the little things that matter so much. It has taught me to appreciate mother nature and how the world really is a big place and the possibilities are endless. I, a tiny human, trying to leave my footprints here in Perth and holding on to every wonderful memory in hopes that it'll never ever fade away.