I haven't been in a good place since coming home from Perth. Not at my best for sure but merely threading water and barely surfacing up to breathe.
I am old enough to understand and know that life goes on no matter what. Time waits for no one. Feelings are....feelings but that doesn't mean that you can take a break from the world. You stop to try and heal and you lose out.
Life is a game and a race. Make a wrong move and you suffer setbacks. Everyone is in this rat race. We may not have chosen to be in it but so long as you are living, you don't have a choice. In this game of life, there are choices to be made. Big, small, important, unnecessary, etc, we have to think, decide and then deal with the consequences be it good or bad.
Now, of course i've had my fair share of shitty bad choices about anything and everything that you can possibly think of but I guess it's all those stupid bad choices that has made me who I am today. Believe it or not, it has some how given me my character. Of course the good choices influenced my being as well but I'd say it's the bad mistakes that leave a heavier impression to remind myself not to be stupid again.
I think of myself as a stronger individual after my current life experiences. After all I find myself more confident and sure, like I an justify the way I live. With that said, I can safely say that I am no longer the girl who is shy and timid. The one that is afraid to hurt people and thus keep my comments to myself. The one that is cautious with my words because I don't want to upset people. I rather upset myself and agree with them then to see them dismay at me disagreeing with them. I guess you can say that I use to live my life trying to please people. I was afraid of how they thought of me and I always tried to be on my best behavior around them. I lived my life based on peoples' judgement about me.
Fast forward to my mid twenties and I can see how I am different. I have changed......for good. I have finally shed my snake skin (about time) and I am slowly easing into my new self too. Perth was my transition stage. It was also when I discovered how I was so easily sensitive to peoples' mean comments towards me. Whether or not they meant it or were merely just joking, I simply found it nasty. It was just plain mean and not nice at all. I felt the deepest of hurt and i felt so alone. Like I literally wanted to wallow into my hole of misery. It was hard I admit, I had no idea if I was just being home sick or picky or annoying. I tried to 'suck it up princess', I tried pretending I didn't hear shit they said, I tried faking a smile and laughing it off. I thought it would fade.
I tried coming here to write but my mind was blocked. Then I turned to my Perth diary to pen down my sorrows as part of my Aussie journey, I decided I wanted to remember the happy and the bad times I would have in Perth, It was gonna be real and unedited. Even so it didn't really help me feel a lot better. I still had trouble writing and expressing my hurt. I wrote happy motivating quotes on sticky notes and pasted them around my room and tried to feel more like I was in a positive place. And then I'd break down and cry. But with that cycle repeating on and off, I managed to go on with living and enjoyed myself too. Hence, what they say 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger', it is true. The truth is once you give in, you lose.
So, all I am saying is that people come and go, people say things that break you and hurt you, people may suddenly have a sudden change of heart, different people may see you in many different lights but you have to love yourself. No matter what, listen and trust yourself.
I am not saying to be the biggest bitch in the world by shutting everyone out but weigh the situation out as well. At the end of the race, you are the only judge for yourself to conclude if in this given life was it fulfilling?
'Do more of what makes you happy'
I've learnt that you can never please everyone. You won't end up being happy and being yourself. Grow up, grow out, realize the ones that stick around no matter what happens. For me, the few that I have satisfy me and keep me very happy. These are the ones that will also give me whatever amount of time I need to find and restore myself.
Gotta go listen to some Taylor Swift 'Shake it Off' on repeat nowww
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