dear HMES1101: ANATOMICAL BASIS OF HUMAN MOVEMENT,

'you could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.'

xoxoME

music: taylor swift: you're not sorry

with a heavy heart, i pick my mask out each day.

with a smile so real plastered on, i get by everyday.

when it gets too painful to handle, i break down behind close doors.

the guts are up and the it's stronger than before now.

so afraid once more to allow a stranger in.

so fragile i am, but you'll never see break.

with each day that passes now, i pray for a better me.

i whisper to myself that it'll be alright.

i miss you, did you know now?

music: corrinne may: scars

'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'
failed results and the feeling of anxiety to need to score well. nontheless, the mind and body doesn't want to function hand in hand. the soul doesn't seem willing and i am helpless, at least somehow i am at a loss.

counting down, i have about five days left to my exams and it's killing me that i can't seem to focus well. it's killing me that i am so affected by what's already been done. i don't want to be affected. i want to focus and be able to ace through my upcoming papers but how, how can i possibly control my emotions? i needa needa do it, i don't have a choice because this is how life is. i have done this before. i can do this all over again. i must, i have to.

'take a look at the ordinary, don't need to look for paradise'
i should be contented with the way i am, what i have and where i am now. i am happy, but there are times where i can't help but feel too down. i can't figure out what is missing, what is wrong. how then can it be there i can feel so horrible about myself? when i have not a clue what is wrong at all.

and then i stop to breathe. i look around and mother nature calms me down. i start to think in a chain reaction sort of pattern. i think of the lovely friends i have and i start to think of my own strengths an capablilties. i disown the flaws in me and hush away the pain within me.

and you know what's the greatest thing that can make me smile and feel like the luckiest person on earth? it's when i have sun-shining days and i am able to share a sweet nothing moment with a loved one.




xoxo

music: alicia keys: empire state of mind

tonight will be my last lecture with dr loh and i cant help but feel a pang of sadness. ive truly enjoyed this module with him lecturing the class. never once did i not look forward to going to class and ive actually stopped whinning about quitting school. this is to me, really learning about sports science in school. finally, when things start to look up, things just gotta end :(

exams are next week and i am freaking out once again. the eagerness to score and do well. when you have someone that dedicated to want to teach you and impart whatever they have in you, i cant possibly let them down can i? no, i wont, absolutely not. thus, the freaking out and thus the scrambling around to study and cramp everything in asap.

aside from school and studying, im starting to look forward to a new life into growing up for good. hello life, will you welcome me now with arms wide open and sun-shining days?

because this was the song, our song.

i remember when i lay in your bed and fm static was playing 'tonight' on your lappy. that was the first time that i had heard the song and i loved it instantly. i remember us being passionate and real. it was honest loving, it was just you and me and we were so in love in each other's arms.

there were so many flaws and there were so many ugly truths and happenings. but i gave it all up, i put them away. i tried hard, i really did. i wanted us to work. i loved like never before. i cried and hurt thinking it was all worth it. it was, it still is.

yea, i havent exactly been the one to keep, the one who has it all and could give you all. but i think i deserve the credits for giving my all. there will be no more explanations on why we never worked out. it cant be explained can it now? how do you explain feelings that fade? cos' it happened to you. if everything i did could keep you loving me, i think we would still be together. but it didnt work out. you called quits finally. i wish to hate you but i cant. i dont and wont ever.

i still miss you on many nights. ive never felt more alone than ever on such nights. it feels just like yesterday that you walked away b. perhaps everything about us is fading into the background. im learning to move on but ive never taken so long to go on before. it feels so stagnant, it feels too hard.

i dont wanna move from my corner now. i wanna put fm static's 'tonight' on replay and just cry my heart out now.

2010.

happy new year yo. time flies like a rocketship. i hate the idea that i'll be 21 in a few months to come. sigh! im aging and i feel so horrible about it. with no career, no money, no looks or body and no partner, i'll so be left on the shelf soon. haha. crap man.

i pray that 2010 will be a fresh start for me. i hope bad things dont come my way. i hope i have no more drama. i want a nice start and a nice end. i pray that the gods hear me and throw me some cute ass white sufer boy with platinum blond hair. (ok fine, im just joking.) nontheless, i dont want anymore drama mama break up love story shit la. so painful, my heart cannot take anymore now that im getting older. lol.

anyways, when the clock striked midnight and it was 2010 already, i watched on at the firework display at sentosa and i really couldnt figure out why i was smiling. i wasnt thinking but yet i felt contented at that very moment. for years now, this was the first time i was single, with no partner. as always, i was usually working at sentosa with my awesome work mates but never have i looked up at the fireworks display and felt this way. it was as if i was so at peace really. and after that, i thought to myself about my life and i realised how much i loved my friends so very much. the people whom i may not often see, like some of my sentosa work mates, were the ones who actually made me so happy in my past years. they maybe see me only once in awhile and they may not know me well enough but we've been through years together like that and unconciously, we've grown to know and understand one another. now truly, these are the people who havent judged me and who accept me for who and how i am. i am truly blessed to have all this brothes and sisters by me for the past 4 years that i have been working in sentosa's beach patrol. it's like i know i never hafta worry because i have so many supports and back ups. i should be happy with what i am now, the company of people who love me back :)

my mind's a little messy and i may be lost for words to say now but nontheless, i know with each passing day now, i am moving on. because i am determined and because i know i have so much more that i can look forward to. 2010 behold! imma start living my life right from now on with no regrets!

xoxo.