"i belong to me
i don't belong to you
my heart is my possesion
i'll be my own reflection"

"stoning" day in school.

music: akon: don't matter

i feel restless and i hadn't exactly felt like doing anything.
god, save me. dang!
i can't let today slip away.

on the good side, i'm starting to realise the madness in shuan.
swweeettt...wait till sam and rach hears this!!!

i feel numb and i kinda feel like i'm losing myself.
in all different ways.

i'm looking foward to every trainings, perhaps it is a get away.

god, presentation started.

ciao

i really don't understand baby.

we spoke and you still feel the same, but your thinking ain't right no more.
what's love when you can't love a person?

i remember when you had pierced a third ear hole with me babe. i love it totally, but unfourtanetly it had to close.
i loved your scent always and how i loved to hug you close and sniff you.
i remember how we always play my stupid cell phone game and try and beat each other.

it's the little things baby.
don't you still want them?

i loved how you always make me smile while you act like a kid.

what goes around, will it come back around?

if doing so much doesn't work, that what was the point?

you say you don't wanna pull me down but i said it was ok.

why don't you listen?

now it's all gone.

yet again, i am alone.

i don't wanna be in the game of love anymore.

it's tiring and painful.

maybe i'll just play around or perhaps, just be selfish.

i don't ever wanna know that girl that i once was.

the happy one with the smile.

now i just wanna curl up and die.

so as i sat in the cab home, i watched your neughbourhood pass me by.

the last time, i touched your favourite quicksilver sweartshirt.

the last time i snuggled up under your comforter in your bed .

the last time i felt your breath so near me.

the last time i held you so close.

goodbye memories and hello my lonely life :/

i am speechless and my teary eyes won't stop flowing.

i am so tired.

maybe, i'll go do laps and then i'll find peace because i am alone.

i don't want to be bothered.

what is love now and where do i go from here?

monday baby :)

we had trials for the year ones today.
THANK YOU jonathan for the help for the waterpolo peeps! XD lovelove.
it was hella cool.
let's hope it works out.

music: JIBBS: chain hang low

you left without a word after you class today.
no smses, no calls.
you simply left.

what's going on.

i keep thinking, maybe you want me for the wrong things.

i still love you babe.

hold me close and whisper into my ears that you still need me.

losers go to hell...maybe?

you know how people treat you so nice in front of your face but they are fuggling loser behind your back because they talk bad about you like there's no tomorrow behing your back?

ive always known someone like that.
god, do something!
kim you know, i know, we all secretly do.
i swear a bitch it is.

leave me alone now, wont you.
i havent done anything to you.

i gave you everything that i could give.
and from now till forever, i am worthless.

what's love?

is it normal to cry a lot for a person? i guess so.
is it normal to go all out for that someone? i think so too.

but what if you feel like the world ic crashing down on you?
and that one person whom you trsut to help you ends up making you sad too?
what do you do?

what if you feel like you can't speak to your friends because you are afraid of what they may say?
all you ever say to them now is how much you are so in love and that you are the luckiest girl alive.
what do you do when you have a million things bottled inside you and you don't know where to start even if a hundred people offer a listening ear?

i want to feel that love and security all over again.
i feel numb now.
i dream and hoep a lot, but it never happens.
i ain't saying that i don't love you no more but just that i think you are confuse.

regrets in my life are things i do not forget.

IM BACK whether you like it or not :))

music: gwen stefani: the sweet escape


i haven't been blogging for a zillion kabillion years...i know i know...i apolpgise for those who have tried to update themselves on my blog but only to be turned off by no new update at all.


anyway, a million happenings had happened....errr..yea...and i have no idea where to start at all...


wednesday: fourth april
my hella cool eighteen birthday. i celebrated the day away with my beach patrols brothers. we had lunch at that cafe at borders (i so forgot the name!) and then headed to..erm the KTV...err..the one near heeren..yea..and sang our lungs and hearts away to english oldies and cheena songs, where i actually learnt to appreciate jay chou's songs. haha :x we had mos burger for dinner because almost everywhere else was jam packed and i haven't got a shit clue at all why because it was only mid week wednesday.

then we headed down to zouk because baby wanted to go mambo. there, the whole gang (i mean the boys) met my lovely bitches, namely, rachelle and her friend wanxin and samantha. (my paris couldn't make it!) we wanted to drink, and we did, but it wasn't enough at all to get us the slightest bit high. anyway, we more or less danced the night away at phuture instead. oh, did i mention that dino, twang, misso and southpark joined us too? haha.

babes gave me the sweetest smelling bunch of flowers with a dorothy perkins tote and tube. i love it baby, as much as i so adore you :) i hereby thank everyone who has made my birthday a blast, i fugglying love you peeps.


now that i can club officially, i'm lovin' everything about it.


the following wednesday: eleven april
my bitches again, rach, sam and i (sheena didn't go again) headed to zouk. this time, no guys with us. we were shit afraid that we would miss clubing once school started and thus, the last minute decision to head down. hahaha. anyway, the sickest shit happened, or so i thought..bahh...the ugliest guys had to come and dance with us and they got touchy touchy!! eewww....we didn't let them get to us of course! we brushed them off and still had a freaking great time! then rach had to 'ditch' us for another guy and so it was just sam and i to go nutty, hopping from zouk to phuture. oh and rach's friends had made us finish their drink just because they had ordered too much. phheeww...i was so freaking bloated..

ohhh...and i had bryan looy staring down at me. erm..okok..not that he was attracted or anything....it was beacuse he saw me..hahahahaha!!! plus, i saw damian while having prata with sam in the wee hours..oh gosh..*melts...arrgghh...i just recalled...on my birthday night at zouk i saw oh so cute shaun ong :)))


monday: sixteen april
the first day of school. new classroom, new friends and new academic year. duuhhh... one of the candidates for miss rp is my classmate...jasmine diana danker..hmm...she seems..ehh..no comments...oh well...i shan't judge till i get to know her better..haa... my class seems like a quite bunch..as in a really good bunch..and i mean it...oh my goodness..i'm so afraid of not being able to perform...the first two days has passed, meaning two modules has gone by and i ain'y finding it the least bit easy peasy at all! wish me luck!!!


wednesday: eighteen april
off day because i was wise enough not to choose and elective. hmm...the truth is, i hadn't been able to make up my mind on what i had wanted to take yet..so i decided to give myself time. i had spent the day slacking at baby's crib and then of course to cater to my darling mermaid.

holly cracker moley!! back to school tomorrow :/ oh wells....


i promise more updates and kim, make once a month to once a week yea? hahaha.


truck loads of hugs and kisses,
jin

happy CHEENA new year!

i fuggling love chinese new year.
here's why,

-all the $KA-CHING$.
it's so like so freaking easy to earn money by just merely sitting down, smiling and just plain being all sugary sweet and poilte. (no offense, oppsy!)

-i get to meet like all my relatives.
well, im sure there's more to them, but yea...i guess these are the regulars that you would see every year for like only...erm...once? not to mention, i hardly every breathe a word to them! except to the elder ones, who seem to always make more sense when speaking.

-great food and drinks!
duuhhh....

-i get to dress up pretty and no one would say im ugly.
cos' it's the new year and no one really bothers i guess. prolly, there are too engross in the festive mood that every damn thing looks great to them.

lucky for me, i only have to go visting for just one day.
i feel sad that im getting older every year. dammit, that would mean that my years of getting angpaos are getting lesser!
arr well...the money i get in total every year is still more or less the same. a lil' higher or lower. nothing new, nothing wow.

anyway, i had ask my dad to bring mermaid over to my grandma's place today beause apparently, my cousin had brought her two dogs over too.
it was chaos! her dogs were small and white and not to mention, they were both males while mermaid was black, big and female!
mermaid was rather well behaved and she was even a lil' afraid at first.
my cousin's two bloodly dogs were stupidly barking their arses off for no freaking apparent reason and man were they horny bastards. they wanted to 'hump' mermaid! sick shit. haha!

be my valentine.

i guess wrong, like i usually do nowadays.
i thought you would make me so happy, but you let your old habits kick in.
you never change,and i really dont think that i expect anything anymore.
just yesterday, we taked about kenny.
just awhile ago, you made everything that you said last night seemed like it was cming through.

to break up and wake up.

here i am in the mid-afternoon, blogging and blasting fort minor's where'd you go.
im thinking of everything that had happened before. im thinking of giving up.

the feeling of emptiness is kicking in and i'm just sitting here, waiting for something to happen.

did you know? i spent a whole morning working on the surprise despite the fact that u was unwell? no you dont.
everything i do, was for the benefit for us, both.
i guess you never saw it.
everything i did was probably childish and lame.

sometimes...just one in awhile, i still wish you were here, southpark.

motherFUSKER!

visual basics had always been like BAD. but today, it was ACCEPTIONALLY TERRIBLE.
no one was in the FREAKING mood man! (well, at least paris, sam, rachelle and i)

we went down to the bookshop during breakout one and guess what? we went GAGA over GLITTER. we bought ONE miserable pink tube in the end because we wanted to decorate our lappies :)



*HADIF had volunteered to decorate SHEENA'S and my hand!*


href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/158/1492/1600/135351/Image122.jpg">
*and I DREW SAMANTHA a PRETTY HEART :)*



*and I had ATTEMPTED to STICKMAN and STICKWOMAN on my lappy, but it came out in the end*


we were so RESTLESS and since we decided that we would NEVER understand what was going on today, PARIS, SAM, RACH and I decided to CAM-WHORE. we ended up dancing and singing around like PARIS HILTON and NICOLE RICHIE in SIMPLE LIFE. totally hilarious.
we were just roaming around school and bitching about eberything and anything.

ohhh...and i made friends (i think) with this guy next door. we were going to the toilet when i saw him drawing on the window of his class. this was what i said:

"hi sexy, you look hot. mr cap guy, since you are like my neighbour and the semster is coming to an end, we should like get to know each other. so, what's your name?"

arrww well, at least i said something like that. HAHAHA!
his name is MALCOM. (and i do think he is cute :D)

i've been sneezing the whole day. think it's one of those stupid days where my SIGHNESS is kicking in. i've taken TWO COLD PANADOLS that i bought from the bookshop already. it ISN'T WORKING!!!

sam teo went home. BLEAH x(

trippin'

how did i get myself into this?
i keep thinking. i dont get it.


i think i really got you. i dont want you to feel so hurt mat.
i mean i dont remember saying anything nasty. i never said nothing would happen.
i am unsure, i am fearful.
that's all.
i dont know how long it would take to get over it sweets.
but what more can i do?
only time will tell?


sam, you've made me real mad and really happy.
goodnes gracious, it's funny la..i mean everything.
you know what sam?
you've learnt a very important lesson from me. treasure it.
CAM-WHORING :) like totally...geezz...


i said i would ignore you, ok, i mean like STAY AWAY.
but here you are again, popping into my life once more.
i wonder what you want.
i fear you D***O.
i dont want history to repeat.
you want us to try again.
i guess i dare not to.
im sorry although i said ok.
i will try but it's really gonna be hard.
(im hoping you'll read this and understand)


southpark is sick again.
blaahh!!!
why are you always down with the nasty flu.
haha.
poor thing.
anyway, i hope all your hardwork will pay off darl.


ive got a new job :))
im gonna be coaching kids in swimming.
YAYYY!!!
like MORE TIME to myself and not to mention KAA-CHIINGG! in a shorter time as compared to what i am doing now.
i'll still do lifeguarding though.


updates on the TOTAL SEXAY (according to me) pictures of the COOLEST w16j:

screwed up thoughts and aching mucles.

it's been a while and i still think of it.
my past haunts me still now and then and many a times, i wished i hadn't did certain things that i had done.
but what am i to do now but to move on?
i learn and i try hard never to repeat my mistakes again.
i want that one thing that i may never get again.
i sit in silence and stare into blank space.


it's funny how people can be so cunning. i never knew i would one day meet such a person whom i treated and trusted as a friend to turn around and stab me in the back. how could you say things that werent true? how could you go around spreading something so mean? one that had caused me to loose something so dear. what is your motive? i really dont know. i do know that you've won and i've lost though. i got ditched honey, he didnt want me no more. i hope you are happy now.


i wanna force all aching musles in me out.
i think i might just curl up and die.

music: n'sync: this i promise you/ i drive myself crazy

it's a mid-week, wednesday.
RP had a two day break because of OPEN HOUSE. (meaning, we had a long weekend)


yesterday, (TUESDAY, 16/01/2007) i was at CHANGI AIRPORT from 4AM all the way till 10AM.

j u s t i n . z flew off to WASHINGTON to study for SIX MONTHS.
DADDY flew off to VIETNAM to follow LKY to do a REPORT. he'll be back on SATURDAY.

i guess the whole thing about being BROTHERLESS for six months hasnt exactly kicked into me yet. SIGH! it was really weird and i guess to me, it had happened all too fast.

LICIA had stayed over. COLIN had came over to pick MY MOM, LISH, MY BROTHER and I up to the AIRPORT. my dad stayed home to sleep since he had a flight later on that same morning. we all had hot drinks since we were all freezing. after my brothe rhad checked in, a whole group of his guy friends turned up. like WOW. i mean really it's cool that ONLY ONE person is flying off and A WHOLE GROUP turns up. thinking back, i im proud of my brother. well, at least it goes to show that he's rather well-liked. anyway, the emotional part came when we swere all satdning outside the departure gates and THE GUYS all lined up for a handshake (totally hilarious for awhile). my brother leaning down to hug my mom and THEN ME :). obviously, he kept the last one for LISH. watching them hug made me tear a lil'. everyone could see that they were resisting leaving each other. i could see her teary eyes and she was trying to hide. so anyway, he bid his final goodbye and quickly went in. i guess my brother wanted to leave quickly too. knowing him, i guess he didnt want us to see him cry.

I MISS MY BROTHER already.
i just got an email from him though.


anyway, these were some of the photos i took while having a FAREWELL DINNER at STAITS KITCHEN at HYATT HOTEL on SUNDAY.

the night we stayed till 2 in the morn' just for small talks and coffee in town.

SAM AND I.



DEBBIE AND KEVIN :))

music: paris hilton: nothing in this world

im in school.
math module.
it's breakout two and timecheck, it's 12:39pm

i just went down to with rudolf, samantha, rachelle and sheena to grab some stuff.
i bought a bottle of mineral water, hair clips (cos' i was dumb enoughto leave my rubberband and hair clips in the school's shower on monday after training), peppermint green tea (my itchy mouth insisted that i needed something minty) and that that..what's it called?....plaster thingie for muscle aches and etc.

and so here i am now all plastered and feeling hella SHIOK. oh did i mention? mathew that silly brat said that HE HAD panadol and said that he would pass it to me at the AGORA. guess what? i ended up bumping into him on the way to the BOOKSHOP and he HAD ACTUALLY BOUGHT panadol for me. bleah. haa...good thing he was smart enough not to get the PINK MENSTRUAL PILLS. wahahaha.

sam's sleeping in class (what's new) and im feeling bored. aarrgghh!!! im looking around the classroom. everyone's doing their own thing. no one's actually doing WORK. muahahahaha!

im smsing kenny chong. i think the fella's gone kuku. haha. he's talking about him being dead and desending to hell still. bahh...that southpark.

hadif's back and he's peeking at me blogging :D

mathew's asking me to go for a walk. ERRR...i know the school's really green but erm...a walk?? hahahahaha. silly!!!!!!!!!!!

okie..im gonna make myself look like im doing work just to make myself sastified.

ciao people!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA HAVE A SMASHING 2007!

a new year = a refreshing start


NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS:
1) do well in school (DUHH...)
2) reach my peak in lifesaving (COMMONWEALTH NEXT YEAR?)
3) do a major performace in drama
4) read more
5) manage my KA-CHING$$$
6) spend more time with my besties, silly boy and family (PLUS MERMAID)
7) work work work
8) handle alocoholic drinks (LOL)


i feel kinda like im getting old. SIGH!
another year means i get a year older.
arrww well...at least im turning 18 :)
no one's gonna nag at me and say i am an underage drinker.
im gonna start year two in RP soon and i can hardly wait.


dawn says that 2006 had been a bad year for us. love mess and all.
she tells me that this year would be better. she promises me.
i hope so my babe.

I LOVE YOU ALL WHO MADE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.

stingray's BBQ team photos.

new faces and as well as old and familiar ones.
great time we had catching up.
i stayed over and we were all squeezing for the bed.
i've missed you guys.

that FINE FINE day.

i met DAWN KHOO only ONCE this hols. WTH.
and we went to VIVO CITY.
and we SHOPPED and I BOUGHT MANY MANY things while that stupid girl insist that she couldnt find anything.
i think ive got a new fetish for ZARA & TOPSHOP :)
I MISS DAWN KHOO!

sentosa's christmas party. 26/12/2006

i had no freaking intention to consume any drop of alcohol that night.
honestly, i wanted to be sober and up partying.

i met jess, august, jason, dex, adrian and twang at dhoby ghaut where august, jason and adrian were playing arcade where jess, dex and i were bored and dying from the horrible noise while waiting for twang to arrive. anyway, we left for sentosa altogether.

dex got a pretty red nike dunks for twang. i like it :)

it was raining. cold and wet party.

we arrived late. the people were eating, BUT, we were in time for the alcohol.
shheesshh...

and there i was happily jeering mark on to down more black labor with twang and sucking on my candy cane. the next thing i knew, there was a so called "lucky draw". i ended up having to down like 1/3 cup full of like what...70% of ABSINTHE totally NEAT, with no popping whatsoever. F***ED UP CAN.

they had to take a freaking photo of me some more. LOL. WTH.

the next thing i knew, i was sucking on ice and thankfully, harry ran down to get me a bottle of water.

i continued to suck on candy canes and insisting that i was ok when i already knew that i was getting HIGH and insanely RED. hmm...

but really, i was ok (to a certain extent). i was just HIGH ENOUGH to STILL THINK can.

but no, everyone thought i wasnt ok. WTH. I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING I FREAKING SAID TO EVERYONE lor. i remembered the LAP DANCES, DEXTER SHAKING ME BY THE SHOULDERS AND TELLING ME THAT I AM GOING TO STAY OVER and the me walking back to the office and teling jen that i wanted to puke but i couldnt and in the end, i still ended up running to the bushes to puke my arse off.

they then insisted that i cabbed home with ben chan, royston and seb. and i did. three hunks as my bodyguards. WHY NOT :))

HAHAHA!

it's funny how i was high and i could still insist that i talk to sam that night.

steph said something about loving to take photos with me when i am high.
WHY AR???

tears.

you finally called.

"maybe we weren't meant to be."

it hurt baby and im tearing.
like you would believe me.
no matter how much i say, i guess to you it'a all just a load of rubbish.

why in the fucking world does love actually exsist?
you brought me in and you ended it.
and now, im just left alone, helpless, for i never quite understood anything.
you wont say, and no one else knows, so what am i to do?

how can i pretend that nothing happen?
because it did.
three months meant so much, i saw a freaking future.
you crushed it.

you dont believd me no more.

i cannot say how much it fucking hurts.
sometimes i go crazy.

sometimes i force myself to believe that things will get better when i know it wont.

so much for my happy endings..i know you are happy now without me.

i am probably deem as the bad guy.

if i cry you a river, would you believe me?

our memories makesme smile still.

music: jojo: too little too late

woke up at 9.45am
was supposed to head down to sentosa to help grazzie with some party stuff.
but i figured that it was kinda ridiculous to go down so late because i was meeting dawn at noon at vivo city.
so i stayed home and made a huge sandwich in which i shared a portion with mermaid. (haha! she was 'oggling' at it! i couldnt resist her puppy eyes.)
so now here i am, thinking of corny but yet sincere messages for the boys and girls or sentosa.
mermaid has decided to seek shelter and make herself cosy. im alone.


i'll be going for a chalet tonight. more pictures!

on rainy days...

it had been a boring monday.
i swear i was seriously bumming around.

i was supposed to do christmas shopping with stanley, but that dumbass suddenly called to say that he had some work to rush and would meet me in the evening instead.
since i was rather moodless plus restless, i decided that i would tag along with kim to her workplace at marina square, anderson's to slack and just 'chill' (if you would call it).

I had went to trim my fringe in the early afternoon with her simply because I decided I had nothing much to do. Oh well...i had wanted to go for a straight cut but then..damn...i totally dont know what happened. anyway, i look the same. bleah!
then we walked around heartland mall simply because it was still early and we had to kill time. we ended up making identical necklaces which cost the same price for each other and deemed it as a christmas. goodness!





at her workplace, i had a piece of strawberry cake and i had specially bought cleo from guardian along the way so i could read it at the cafe ans try to kill time. LOL. all because stanley was late. sigh!






after two freaking hours, stanGAY finally arrived. goodness, he had some waffle ice cream thingie before we decided that we didnt wanna have suppser with kim because that would mean we had to wait till 10pm. so we left and headed to wheelock place because i had to send my fuggly useless cellie to the nokia care centre. shitty.

we then walked in the pouring rain to pacific plaza becuase stanley's watch decided that it was the perfect timing to give up on him. so we had to go to fossil to mend his dumb watch. guess what, it was CLOSED when we got there. ARRWW MAN....

it was a lousy day la. the stupid rain ruined it all. not to mention, dampened my mood. i thought of kenny on the train ride back. all the way. sigh sigh!

OFF.

monday.
18/12/2006.

it's my off day. or rather, i couldn't get a shift to work. maybe i should try looking for another lifeguarding job. haha.

anyway, dawn's got a match in rp in the evening. i've got gym training with my wallies. so, i guess i'll meet her later :)

jesse's results are coming out today. i wish her all the best.

sam's at work, i have no clue about kevin.

dexter's out shopping alone in JB i think.

gladys isn't free and i don't know why.

kim has work in the evening but she has agreed to go out with me :) thanks babe.

stanley isn't gonna wake up anytime soon, so i'm contemplating if i should still go out with him. HEH.



he said something that really hit me hard last night when we spoke on the phone. i guess his life is much better without me. i am hopeless. baby baby...i wanna sit under the stars with you and just kiss you ever so gently on the cheek. will it ever happen again?



its 11:17am and i'm listening to the soundtrack of 'step up' while waiting for kim.

shattered and torn.

you've been clubbing and drinking hell lot baby.
i've got no more say.




so sam's back and i've been out with him.
i caught 'THE HOLIDAY' with sam and kevin koo on thursday night after work.
the show was good, but i kinda fell asleep a little. lol. i couldn't help it, i was freaking tired!



my handphone has officailly given up on me and is giving me a hell lot of trouble now. dang! i've got to send it for repair. then again, my parents wanted me to do so. i so want a PDA cellie!




anyway, i had worked late shift today. bloody hell, it was hot! thanks to the stupid wind, it blew away the rain. shheesshh..and i was at zone 10 can! meaning...no freaking proper shade at all! then junjie, that uncle (HAHA!), decided that he wanted to torture my already dumb lousy cell phone.