"i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe"
having just watched black swan, it made me think about what's to happen now to myself. yea sure, i can hurt forever and sit in this black hole of mine forever. but then who's gonna wanna pity me? being pathetic doesnt mean you'll come back. it doesnt mean that i win and that everyone's got my back. i can think of giving up, i can think of letting everything i have go but no one is really gonna care.
i have been crying way too much and being sore for way too long. i need to get back on track now. i was tired of hurting but i'm getting tired of mopping around too. what's the point? nothing is happening. my life is stagnant.
so here i am again, telling myself to clean up. i may have fallen way too many times but i tattooed hope for a reason and my permenant script on my ankle means too much to me to give myself up.
i have a choice to give up or take control and i want the latter. i wont die trying but i'll just keep my head up and do my best. i suddenly remember why i should be stronger than before. if so much pain has been inflicted on me before and i am still here today, it's gotta mean so much more about myself don't it.
so what if i'll never know how to be something you miss. so what if i'll always be wondering how we could have been happy. so what if i cried too much and loved you forever. you'll never know, look back or appreciate me.
i am way better, i have to always remember that.
i'll hold on to memories, i'll wait as long as i possibly can. but right now i will work on myself.
"and i hope the sun shines and its a beautiful day
and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed"
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