i am afraid that i'll never know how to be in love again.
i guess that really is the easiest way to put it through for people to undestand. tell me i derserve it, tell me it's karma, tell me that i am a bitch, a slut, what not, judge me till no end, tell me i will always be alone. i shouldn't be bothered with what others say, i should only be bothered and care for my friends. but how when i am so conscious? how when i seek acceptance in others?
but then it happened and i managed to learn to let it all go. once and the first time in my life, i can breathe easy and tell myself that it doesn't matter how everyone else in the world perceives me to be. i just need my friends to know the truth and trust me. i shouldn't let others get me down and decide my life.
so why when i feel that i can focus and let in again that things don't go my way? life really is unfair isn't it? im beginning to think that there is no point in changing for the better anymore. nothing will work out, when i thought i had it, it slipped right through so easily. in life, i try and try to be better, to make things work out but what has all these done for me? im not sure, but just that i am so paranoid now, so guarded, so afraid to let in all too soon. it's like i have this wall built around me now in which it takes forever or perhaps never to tear it down. i dont wanna keep holding it all up and having to be all proper. i wanna laugh and be really happy. i wanna cry like i mean it and i wanna love like romeo and juliet. i guess im saying that my feelings are numb. i'm scared that i can't find the right ways to feel no more.
it took forever, but i thought now i am ready. but it's just gone.
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