when the future ahead seem so......bleak

funny how a simple letter or an email you receive can mean so much doesn't it? words can stirr up so much emotions and it can really tear you apart. really, the power that words can contain amazes me sometime. the meaning it an carry and how it is crucial to the human lives for me depend so much on it for everything to work.

words.

it got me so down one too many times. now now, you've done it again. i've failed my PPT for NIE and i am truly shocked. i couldn't believe it, not at all. i read the email......like over and over again, refusing to believe what i saw but it didn't change things. i failed. i know im not a very 'know-it-all/ everything-also-can-do' athlete, but i never thought i'd be so bad and receive only a 'conditional pass' for majority of the stations. sigh! it's like my ego got bruised. i feel so unfit and useless suddenly. like, i can never do sports again. i'm truly upset and disappointed. griefing and deeply depress.

my hopes for NIE once upon a time looked all mighty and bright but now it's all dashed and perhaps throw aside. i'm not good enough. it's in my face now and i can't hide or deny. i never thought i was that bad but maybe i just am.

life; and the unfairness of it all.

take one last look and then say goodbye...forever.

i wanna put a closure to it all. i dont wanna ever be associated closely to anyone of you exes anymore. hi and bye friends will do but nothing more than a simple chat. i realise how much some can actually be so annoyingly selfish, caring only for themselves and their own happiness. when alone, you seek comfort in me and when you found new interest/s you flutter your wings instantly and almost silently; too quick for me to notice. im sick of this rubbish. its a pattern and youll prolly never change. but then again, maybe im too sensitive and think way too much. but how can it be when after so long one can still sound so cold. maybe you really do have a stone cold heart and it really refuses to allow you to let go. i pity you, because you gave yourself a reason to shut me out. you loose out i would say but perhaps you would beg to differ. nevertheless, the day you told me that i wasted your time, was the day i knew how much i have seen the true side of you. now, dont think that i hate yall because i dont at all. we had happy memories and our lil moments but its really now just a matter of saying so long and farewell, till we meet again. and when that happens, well see how it all turns out. ciao!


xoxo

music: backstreet boys: all i have to give.

'but my love is all i have to give...'

having gotten my rejection letter from NTU, i feel dejected now. my only hope would be to receive a letter from NIE stating for an interview. i hope, i pray, its really draining, stressing and super taxing. my mind and soul may seem clueless and careless but deep down its annoying the shit outta me. i cant help but think aimlessly at what and where my future is heading. i want that space so bad in NIE. i really do. i even dyed my blond hair black :(