music: the script: breakeven

i hate you kenny chong. for all that you have put me through, for all the lies and for everything that i have wasted on you. you don't deserve to have me. i was stupid and i still am because you still hurt me but i will delete you off my life.

music: adele: someone like you

sometimes i feel like i think too much, expect too much, demand too much, be strong too much and fear too much. and with all that said, when i crumble i break down into loud wobbly sobs that can go on for a long time. the pain can be excruciating and can make me feel ever so alone. no one deserves to ever feel the way i feel. i think that i am on the right track in life, think that i am doing my best to focus and doing my bravest to be independent and have no one by me. i'm afraid to be broken again, afraid to feel the heart break and heart ache all over again. i wish to learn trust again, to let loose and let someone catch me again. i want to feel the warmth of another again and i want to stop being scared and scarred by my past and memories. i don't wish to be haunted forever by what others did to me. i will keep moving on and get better but life gets a little tiring sometimes and it'd be nice to have someone like you.

don't burst my bubble?

music: mary black: once in a very blue moon

baby girl.

life without you would suck. you are my precious, my princess, my buddy, my love. you love me back without fail all the time and give me furry hugs and let me kiss you on the head. i love you today, tomorrow and forever.

y.

you make me wanna take care of you and fuss over you.

you make me feel like if we had chances, you could take me on adventures.

you are down to earth and realistic about things.

you may seem to have a cold and hard exterior but i see the vulnerability inside.

you are so adorable to me, i wanna just pull you in and hold you close because you're so cute in so many unspoken ways.

your attraction to me however, is it real? will it last? is it just a sisterly love?

it makes me wonder and it makes me scared to know perhaps i want more.

are we on the same page?

i'm just being a girl.

i'm not a shopaholic nor am i a die hard brand conscious person but these bags are so gorgeous i want them!

celine luggage tote bag.

louis vuitton shoulder bucket bag.

chinese new year 2012.

chinese new year is one of the occasion where families gather and there will be endless supply of glorious food, laughter, looking good and of course angpows!! i guess what's most important is the togetherness of it all, you feel home and belonged, you feel wanted and loved.

my new year resolutions to put it simply,

(1) delete any negativity in my life.

(2) focus on school, coachings and trainings.

(3) treasure and bask in the love of my family friends and the little and simple things in life.

so what if i don't find someone special to share it with, i've realize that i can do it alone because i've never really been alone in life but in fact i have all this lovely people and great happenings going on around me. i see it all right now.

our annual louhei by the pool sure i getting bigger and messier with more people joining us :) this team that i call my 2nd home never fails to make me keep the faith and push on.

cny is one of the few occasions that is ok to fuss around and look pretty and nice haha. no one's gonna really judge you for it all.

and because my relatives and my family aren't close knitted, we don't get to see each other all the time so when i do see my little cousin and nephew especially, i am amaze at how time really flies and they are all growing so fast!

and of course cny isn't complete without the huge spread of endless food and drinks!

it's really interesting and nice to see how old folks still treasure the cny tradition so much and really do up the place and ensure that the goodies are bought for loved ones to snack on.

friends open their houses up and invite you to their homes, nice gestures, even nicer to just be merrier and spend some quality time together.

and of course the gambling! it went on and on and on, too bad i don't gamble, no interest at all.

another great thing about cny is i actually bother to clear, clean and decorate my stuff again and all the receiving of angpows!

i enjoyed myself this cny, it was tiring but i treasure every moment of it.

fixie.

oh so beautiful babies where have you been all my life. haha. they are all really pretty and cute but my real baby is right here.

my wish to finally make the switch from a mountain bike to a roadie came through last december when i put my words to action. i found you love, i made the change :)

music: britney spears: criminal

i feel the need to wrap 2011 up in words.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

music: ella mae bowen: holding out for a hero

how do you even quite completely comprehend such grace and emotions.

sometimes i wonder if how i feel is real. sometimes i wonder if i can trust in men again.

music: kylie minogue: giving you up

music: boyce avenue featuring megan nicole: skyscraper

so adorable.

i could watch these victoria's secret angels over and over again and still be like amazed by their slender bodies and endless legs. what impresses me is their confidence and ability to make what can be deem as scanty outfits to seem so beautiful. they are living art strutting down the runway with such ease and femininity, making it seem so effortless and fun. almost goddess like i'd say they make being a girl so promising.

on another note, it's so sweet isn't it, seeing adam levine doing a spontaneous act of kissing anne v while she came on the runway. it was seriously a picture perfect moment, gorgeous.

music: adele: make you feel my love

i am surprisingly looking forward to a small and quiet festive season. happy december :)

music: janet jackson featuring kanye west: my baby

music: pussycat dolls: out of this club

i used to think that there would come the day when i found you and we would be at a party filled with friends. and if this song came on, you would pull me close in and we would just get lost in a slow dance with each other. it would be a moment where even though the room is filled, the only people we could see or bother about is just you and i.

I feel swamped and overwhelmed. I require a timeout.

music: drew ryniewicz: baby

music: melanie c: never be the same again

music: jessica simpson: i belong to me

you know what, i hate when i have all these uneasy feelings and i start to worry. screw it all, i shouldn't need to feel insecure because i know i can do better so screw all of you.

music: across the universe: i want to hold your hand

dear n, i remember when we were crazy over renting dvds at the small dvd mart just downstairs your place. almost every weekend we'd be picking shows together and then heading back up to your place to spend usually a lazy sunday afternoon away in each others embrace laughing or crying to whatever the show brought us to. it was simple and fun. we'd talk about the show after and sometimes it made us reflect on life together and sometimes it got us madly emotional that we would learn to appreciate each other more. then there were also times where i would insist in renting a scary show to watch at night just because i like it and you would make me stay over because you wouldn't be able to sleep alone in your room after.

i remember the bucket list, across the universe, the notebook and there were so may more...

we watched 'the notebook' the night before you were going for your rugby camp and for some reason or whatsoever, i got very emotionally upset and then i'd told you that i would love for you to be able to catch me one day as i run towards you and jump on you to give you a hug and a kiss to tell you how much i'ved missed you, just like in the show. i think it was then that i realize how much you meant to me and i didn't want to let you go. you then gave me a letter and thankfully it got me through the days without you.

it was always the small things that you did that got me weak in the knees and my heart bursting with all the love in the world. the cute scribblings and drawings you would leave me now and then, making me breakfast in the mornings when i stay over and just the feeling of knowing that you wanted me around to watch your games made me beam and contented. as young as i may have been, i knew it was right and i knew this was what i wanted. the good days were when we would laugh all day long and hold each other without a care at all as to what people may think of us and then we'd fall asleep in that comforting same position at night.

amazing how these memories stay with me after so many years, i don't know why either. i guess i've wished after it all ended that if only i had met you later in my life, maybe i would have seen the good in it all and learn to treasure it all the time. you see the thing with you was it was nice to be able to feel proud sitting in the stands and watching you play well during your games and having you did the same back to me. it was nice knowing that i had you to complete me because we could talk and you never ran away from anything. those were the good days, where i never liked cats but got used to tiesto being around.

music: katy perry: the one that got away

happy nervous thoughts with a calm self tonight.

music: parachute: forever and always

is it weird that i can feel so much for just a song?

'so what we get drunk

so what we smoke weed

we're just having fun

we don't care who sees

so what we go out

that's how its suppose to be

living young and wild and free'

-forever and always.

hello you, do you remember me? we were friends, good friends in fact but i have no idea to whatever happened to us. the distance is evident, the tension is weird and we don't even talk anymore. it breaks my heart, i've never had a friend come into my life and walk away. i treasure each and everyone of you and i still wonder what went wrong. i always will i guess, i miss you. i feel the hurt and it pains me to look at photos that we have together. those were the days when we all got along and shared laughters. those were the days when i felt like my life was complete because i had friends like you with me. but it was all gone too soon. i'll always be affected by you. they say that this is part and parcel of growing up and we all have to suck it up and move along. i'll always wish you the very best and i'll always be looking out for you. no matter how hurt or angry i may be at you, i'll always be more than happy if you come back. but till then, i've learnt to let go.

the true spirit of a lifesaver.

i started lifesaving when i was 15. it's been 7 years and the love for my sport has never once died out. i grew up to it and in turn, the sport taught me to grow. i cannot and will not imagine my life without lifesaving. it's in me and i will always want it to be a part of it. where i am today, it was through sheer hard work. all the efforts and commitment that i have put in and all the sacrifices that i have made was for the sport. i don't just love and live it because of the competitions. i do it because it's more than just a sport to me. it's a passion and a dedication that i live by, i really want to teach and educate, i want to save lives and try to make a difference. i am always ever ready and eager to learn. i've not just once put lifesaving before everything else. that's how much i truly love my sport. the essence to it all it's not just about winning all the time. i believe it's about practicing good habits and principles. you need an open heart, you need believe in it and be doing the sport for the right reasons. lifesavers don't walk away at the end of the day thinking that they are champions and they don't count the number of medals that they have won. true lifesavers walk away at the end of the day thinking about the process of it all, what had been done and what could be done better. they make friends and they help and share whenever they can. you see the pride in them when they are around their sport, you see their eyes light up and that smile will always be plastered on their faces. you see the pain, the focus and the determination to do well and you see the honest congratulations to fellow lifesavers after events. and it's not just about the competitions. there is so much more to lifesaving then just going up against each other and fighting to be the best. what's a lifesaver when he or she can't perform rescues and help others in need? If they aren't able to impart their skills and be able to want to learn.

everything that i do, it was with the thought of lifesaving in it. i breathe it, i need it because i choose it. i worked for it and i think that i deserved it. there will never be shortcuts to it and i'm sorry but there will always be 'lifesavers' out there that don't deserve my respect.

'but with what we have, i promise you that we're marching on'

music: mariah carey: bye bye

i don't want anyone to bid me farewell, to end a friendship with me, to leave me forever. 22 years of my life i've been through many ups and downs. where i am today, i know who my friends really are and i know who has and are gonna be there for me till the very end. i've put a whole lot of emotions into the life i have created for myself and whatever that i have done, i hope for nothing but the best for everyone around me. thank you for being there with me and always having the faith in me, you guys should know who you are :)

to finally be feeling like how i was way back while i was younger and in school, to finally feel the rush of excitement each time my phone rings or when i see you, the feeling is priceless. never knew i would get this feeling again, never did i think i would ever find anyone who would make me all nervously happy and excited all over again. it's old school, it's a warm fuzzy feeling, it's nice, sweet and adorable, it makes me go weak at the knees and smile endlessly to myself. it makes me feel hopeful, makes my worries go away and all i really wanna do is just kick off my shoes and lie by you, snuggle up to you and not have to worry or think about tomorrow at all. you make me feel wanted, you make me feel insecure, you make me feel like you care and you make me feel annoyed and confused too. but it's young love isn't it? didn't i feel this way back then? but then there's so much more to think about now that i am growing up. so much to worry and so much to plan. i hate it, i really do. i just wanna do what my heart tells me to and live with no regrets. but it is reality and there are consequences to face. i would try really, i always am that girl who takes that leap of faith anyways, but i don't think i can do this alone this time around so if you are willing, i would let you help me but if you decide that you won't, i will not fight for you because if this was worth it, i won't have to make any decisions at all. i won't hurt and i won't have to worry. i'll be happy instead. don't go breaking my heart like how everyone else did.

'you know i've been having dreams, dreams of my iron woman event. i am scared, i am nervous, but i want it so much. i have been training for it, i don't wanna fail myself, i don't want to fail others as well.'

music: adele: rolling in the deep

i shouldn't have bothered to entertain or try. i knew from the start it was wrong, that nothing good was gonna come out of it. i knew it, i could see it all but yet i betrayed myself and went ahead. because really i just wanted to feel normal again, to stop being so god dammit strong, to bloody hell be cared for and be happy. because I'm tired, very tired of doing everything on my own. because nothing ever really goes my way these days and because i can't understand why, why is it so unfair and what, what in me is possibly wrong. i hate you some how, hate all you damn fools for coming into my life. wished i never met you because i gave you all i could but you tossed me aside and broke me.

i wanna hate you, blame you and curse at you. i wanna hate myself for giving in, for letting go. i cause this hurt in me, i broke my own peace but what the hell i tried to try again, i tried to stop it but i failed myself and now i feel like fuck. i wanna tear everything up and cry it all out. i'm stupidly frustrated at everything, i just wanna be ok, to be normal what the fuck is that so much to ask for?

i'm trying to keep the faith and be hopeful. it's once again getting so hard to keep that smile on my face, each time it gets better i get skeptical that it ain't real but least i tried this time around, i tried to let the walls down. even if it was just that little bit, i know i tried. fuck this shit, I'm tired and so hurt i just wanna scream my cries out now. no one's gonna hear anyways.

music: train: marry me

music: paramore: the only exception

i don't know how but you still bother me. i have been keeping it together and it's been going good but now and then you still get to me, you eat into my heart all over again and make me hurt. i don't know how i fell so hard for you, i don't know how i cared for you way too much and i don't know how i let myself love you more than you did for me. i let you in, i don't know how i let that happen. i don't know how i'll really get over you. i want to, i really do because this pain is too much. it's stopping me really from opening the doors again. i want to find someone better than you because that's suppose to be easy because you weren't exactly perfect at all but why is it so hard. why can't someone else be my only exception now?

music: eric clapton: change the world

i remember when dada use to blast the music on real loud on the speakers on sunday mornings. i would eagerly and happily step on his feet and he would take me by the hands, hold me tight and we would dance around to the music just him and i. we would always be laughing, always smiling. i felt so loved and i felt so sure and safe with him around.

music: eric clapton: tears in heaven

you won't find music like this anymore. find me a man that has a soul this deep, find me a man who brings tears to my eyes with words so simple, who plays the guitar with such ease and soothes the mind. he takes his music to a level in which is truly a pure classic.

because you are my everything.

i miss you, i still do.

idontwannaspendanotherholidayaloneandreallybecauseimisshavingsomeonetobethereformeandshowermewithloadsofcuddlesandkisses.

weekend warrior.

SP biathlon 2011.

OSIM triathlon 2011.

I don't know if I am way done with my peak or perhaps I am a late bloomer but I feel good this year. I feel like I am pushing more than before and my mental strength has improved. I hope this maintains and motivates me much more. These races have become a form of escapism to me now and it's mad but I love the adrenaline it gives me. I feel more satisfied than before after each race and find myself craving for more to come.

Maybe it's because I truly am focusing on myself now, that I am giving myself the own attention that I should have done so long ago. But sometimes I do know that I use these races to mask my anger, irritation and hurt with whatever that's happened.

music: atomic kitten: someone like me

I've started my school break. It's been slow paced but I think it's doing me good. I let it slowly sink in that I don't actually need to be mugging hard for the next month or two and now that it's in my head, i am embracing it and am trying to get everything on track. I don't wanna rush but I know I can't take all this free time for granted too. I wanna use this time to focus on training too and I do hope that I meet my own expectations for Nationals this year.

Things to be done nicely this break:

(1) SI and Swimsafer certifications

(2) Stabilize coaching schedule

(3) Hopefully go back to work at BP once in awhile?

Things that has been planned and to look forward to this break:

(1) Bangkok with Sam and Saburi

(2) Redang dive trip

(3) Bintan with Christina

Things that are happening after my school break:

(1) Lifesaving Teacher course

(2) Lifesaving competition in Penang

I hope this little break from school will do me good, I gave up pushing forward my Professional Practice module to have this break and so I wanna make good use of it and return to school feeling fresher.

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe

music: atomic kitten: last goodbye

ain't nobody here to make it right because i couldn't seem to find a way for love to stay. if you have another night to give i would have another night to live.

music: beyonce: best thing i never had

i'll be the best thing you never had. for all that you have put me through, i believe in karma. what goes around comes back around.

you know you really disappointed me. but i cant explain why or how. you just did. i am upset now, i really am. this little mind of mine doesn't think simply, it thinks way too much. go figure.

music: one republic: good life

because i feel horrible tonight and i need a reminder of how wonderful life can be.

I have diligently sat down and sorted out my school and coaching stuff out. I counted the remaining modules I have left in school to take and it scares me now to really sink in and realize that I am half way done. It scares me that I have a choice now to either do my professional practice or not. I guess I could use 2 months to sort my life out, focus on coaching and take a break but part of me feels like i need something new to spark me on. it could change me, it could be what i need to spur myself on and feel the passion once again. i'm sitting on the fence and i need an answer soon. and sometimes, i wish i had someone to guide me to organize my coaching career path. it's always like i'm in the middle and all messed up. i need admin work done badly.

i could be gay all my life when i listen to adam lambert's songs.

One man in his time plays many parts.

-William Shakespeare

a feeling so extreme.

i find in me the inspiration to pen down my thoughts, emotions and goals.

i find in all of you the drive to inspire myself to press on harder and achieve better.

i turn to memories which we created as a team to keep me going on, to get me back up from the dumps and to fight on. i turn to the strength we gave one another to remind me that i am not alone and that i have a team who keeps the faith and will be there no matter.

i call you my team now, will always be, i hope you guys think and feel the same way too. this team right here gave me a fresh new beginning to see everything in a brand new light.

this team i love now, team singapore arafura 2011.

wish you never grow up.

oh darling don't you ever grow up;

just stay this little.

tranquility.

when everything seems to be a rollercoaster ride,

stop and take a step back.

look around and just watch.

take a breather,

you will realize it isn't all that tough at all.

one step and a time,

climb the steps.

in this road of life,

you only have yourself to hold on to tightly.

giving up would be throwing everything away.

if you could read into the future, would you do it?

would it allow you to run away and avoid bad stuffs that's to come?

would it make life better?

would you get what you want?

hello durban, south africa, i'll never get to meet you.

sometimes i wish that yesterdays never ended. i knew i wouldn't get selected for commonwealth games, i knew jolly well that i went for the trials out of sportsmanship and of course to meet up with the team but i guess now that the results are out in my face, it does stings and it does sucks to know that i am not going to durban, south africa. my heart feels kinda heavy and it brings a frown to my face. blahh...oh wells. however, i do sincerely congratulate all that has made it in and i do wish you guys all the best.

samantha halley.

dawn.

minhui.

sheena.

'the sun goes down

the stars come out

and all that counts is here and now

my universe will never be the same

i'm glad you came.'