i'm feeling unappreciated, not of importance at all. so we made it this far, so why won't they recognize us? why won't they treat us all as equal and give us their full support and cheers? i am doing good, i started fair and square, i made it so far like everyone else, so why won't they be fair to us?

i know i am not alone in this, but i wish someone was here to make me feel alright. sigh.

full day coaching.

xxxXx.

every morning i wake and limp down the stairs because my ankle hurts so bad i cant put weight on it right away. sigh. but i'll remember this injury for life. it was part and parcel of the process.

you'd be too good for me. you'd be everything i wanted and needed.

i need to stop letting this mind of mine drift along. i wish it'd be easier.

i have to realize that this is goodbye.

jin, you have to be on track. you cannot side track at all. it's a tight schedule and you don't have time for distractions.

-very important note to self.

i've got school work that i have to get done.

i have events to attend.

i have trainings to go to consistently.

i have coaching sessions.

i have to work to save up for my big darwin competition.

i cannot afford to fall sick at all, i just cannot.

i'm gonna get well starting now and go live my life.

so when will it be me; it's hard to leave the ground with these broken wings.

i'd like to take back all that's happened and close the doors again. i'd like to be stone cold and have my wall around me again. i'm good alone and that's that.

music: colbie caillat: fallin' for you

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I'm fallin' for you

i wanna stop this because it's an annoying fuzzy feeling and i dont wanna let it distract me. so if there's a sign, let me know. if there isn't, let it stop now.

music: colbie caillat: i do

i've been feeling happy.

i wanna skip along to happy songs and smile all day long.

it's my birthday again.

and then i turned 22 this year. quiet unlike the previous year, though i wished there were endless celebrations and everything was fun and loud. im your girl next door dramaqueen, i love the limelight so yea.

but its been good by far. the important people in my life and the simpleness of the get together for my birthday :)

i've still been receiving awesome presents still, so there really is no down side to anything in comparison to past years. great friends and family = great useful gifts that have always been on my 'want and need' list. haha, loving it all!

but you know what's the ultimate gift by far? being a part of team singapore! i guess i've had my doubts and have had expected greater reactions from my parents upon hearing my good news, but i think i've cleared it all away and i really am just contented to have gave it my all and got in. my dream come through really. my life feels on track now. perhaps given more time, my parents will be more expressive to me and show me that they've really got my back and are proud of my achievement. because this is really important to me, because this has always been what i wanted.

i am happy turning 22. it's going to be good, because i'll make it awesome :)

music: david guetta feat rihanna: who's that chick

patience, endless supply of hope and alot of emotional ups and downs. i've got a D finally! i didnt let dr low down, i didnt let my parents money down, i didnt let my hardwork go to waste and i didnt let myself down! it was like double the pressure to anticipate this module's result. i was a nervous wreck, delaying the check as i was too afraid. and then i got too eager to check and attempted to do so on my iphone but to no avail. it was like the longest train, bus and walk home. so when i finally saw the result, i was first relief that i cleared it. and then i got really excited and started bouncing and dancing around the house announcing my achievement. i patted mermaid, my mom hugged me and i said 'woohoo!' way too many many times. haha. see how easily contented i am?

and im really excited to know the final selection results for arafura games this saturday!!!

my life is picking up and im feeling good too. i'm growing up for good i hope. making a change isnt easy but its been good :)

hmm.

i am counting down to the hours of yet another exam. i am sleep deprived, badly.

never knew i could hurt like this

and everyday life goes on

i wish i could talk to you for awhile

miss you but i try not to cry

as time goes by

still i'd give the world to see your face

and be right here next to you

but it's like you're gone too soon

now the hardest thing to do

is say bye

you never got a chance to see how good i've done

and you never got to see me back at number one

i wish that you were here to celebrate together

i wish that we could spend the holidays together

it' so hard to accept that you are gone forever

sometimes it's ok to fall back and remember memories.

it's only normal.

but right now, i don't really wanna remember the sweet and bitter moments.

it's still so hurtful.

i'd rather become the tin man with no heart.

i'd rather be the emo kid who sits at the corner and speaks to no one.

i'm tired of being happy when it's only for the moment.

tired of working so hard when i dont know where it'd go in the end.

give me a break from being all perky and jumpy.

i miss a part of myself.

i've finally had enough.

i am about to close the doors to another chapter and embak on a brand new one. this one's gonna be though but i'm gonna make the best of it to pull through. i dont wanna need anybody by me no more.


but tonight i'm loving me.

i'll make a promise to myself today.


no matter how much i have screwed up, i will learn and be better for i am not perfect and it'll never be too late to change if i want to.
no matter how much people may judge and be unkind, i will brave it all and be alright for life is too short to worry way too much about everything and it really is hard to please everyone all the time.



i will lead my life as best as i can and as true as it will be.
i'm starting with the man in the mirror and i'm asking him to change his ways. i'll do just that.

i held it in for so long, so why did i break down now again.
i cried hard, i cried so hard.

the way you act towards me now it amazes me really. it's as if nothing ever happened between us at all. it's like you were never a major bastard to me. i deserve more than a sorry. you will never mend the pieces back. it'll always be broken. then again, you'll never find the courage at all to look me in the eyes and apologize. you will always pretend that were are ok and we are friends. i really dont know how you get by life being this way but yea if you are cool with it, i'll do my best to not are. you have no idea how disgusting you really are and how many people you have hurt. you'll never be an angel, not at all. with all the sins i have made, you are way worst of them me. at least i tried to give you all that i could, i was sincere. as for you, it was always all words. if the world knew what you have done to me, they would be on my side without a doubt.

i am that bitter about you and maybe i wish you knew. i really hate you now. go on and flirt, go on and continue to lie. i wont fall for it or give in anymore.

this is you, k.

i occasinally look through my past blog posts and do you even realise how many heartaching/breaking posts ive left about you? no you wont ever know because (1) you dont care, (2) i am nothing to you, (3) you are so selfish, (4) you used me and the lists continues.


since you can toss our history aside so easily, i will do the same. ill be great this time around.

i'll be fine now.

i took many steps forward and i dont wanna look back. dear me, please dont let yourself down again. you are doing good, you will be fine now.



side note, i sprained my right ankle again and ive finally agreed to my mom to see the chinese sinseh tomorrow. i am mad scare ok. i just hope i dont die screaming.


ohh, and i deserve a pat on my back because i completed the 100m rescue medley event today! i have officially move pass my fear. yayy! so my trainings havent gone to waste at all.



note to self: study hardcore for exam.

it's stupid how i still think of you after what you have done. do you bother? no, not at all. you are unscratched. i took all the pain till today, you simply walked away.

i've been trying to divert my focus to school, coaching and the trials so much. i try to get away as much as i can. i'd like to say i am ok but i know i never will be.

i bruise so easily these days.

one day im gonna be able to tell someone that 'my heaven's with you'.

i realise now, that it wasn't love. it was convenience. you are as cruel as can be and as wicked as ever. you dont't care for me, you care only for yourself. i hope one day you will realise this harsh truth and regret terribly for what you have done to me.

moving on, i am doing my very best. please.

i am being blown away by jessie j's vocals.

music: taylor swift: last kiss

"i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe"

having just watched black swan, it made me think about what's to happen now to myself. yea sure, i can hurt forever and sit in this black hole of mine forever. but then who's gonna wanna pity me? being pathetic doesnt mean you'll come back. it doesnt mean that i win and that everyone's got my back. i can think of giving up, i can think of letting everything i have go but no one is really gonna care.

i have been crying way too much and being sore for way too long. i need to get back on track now. i was tired of hurting but i'm getting tired of mopping around too. what's the point? nothing is happening. my life is stagnant.

so here i am again, telling myself to clean up. i may have fallen way too many times but i tattooed hope for a reason and my permenant script on my ankle means too much to me to give myself up.

i have a choice to give up or take control and i want the latter. i wont die trying but i'll just keep my head up and do my best. i suddenly remember why i should be stronger than before. if so much pain has been inflicted on me before and i am still here today, it's gotta mean so much more about myself don't it.

so what if i'll never know how to be something you miss. so what if i'll always be wondering how we could have been happy. so what if i cried too much and loved you forever. you'll never know, look back or appreciate me.

i am way better, i have to always remember that.

i'll hold on to memories, i'll wait as long as i possibly can. but right now i will work on myself.

"and i hope the sun shines and its a beautiful day

and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed"

i said screw you valentine's day.

but my awesome friends have been by me all this while. they have been helping to heal me and make me feel better.


from cassandra:
ok here jin. must be touched ok because its so gross and it doesnt rhyme but who cares. HAHAHAH.

so dont you worry your golden little horsetail
people throw rocks at things that shine (your braces)
but the jury's out, my choice is you
...this friendship is ours.

'cause I love the way your eyes become like lines
and how you always make my day
so dont you care about what people say
they don't see you like I dooooooo ~~



from dawn: she surprised me! called me very unexpectedly and told me to go downstairs. bff had picked me up a stalk of rose and drove to my place before heading home just to make me cheer up and feel better!



how can i not feel better when i have them all :)

maybe when i think i've come around and have recovered, then i'll post it all up.

you made me love you over and over again and again and then you break me all the time.

pls tell jin zhuang tat i miss and love and adore her very much

also let her know kenny wans commitment and wans nobody nobody but her.

just let her know i love her.

and this time,its for real and for good.

U never understand the true meaning of losing someone u love until u can love someone more than u love urself.

I dun wanna lose u Jin.

I ensure there's no more heart ache or heart break.I'll make u feel like u r the only girl in my world.hugs.it'll all be smooth sailing.I'm ready to give us a status

Baby I wan ice cream too!haha.let's go tau huay n icecream n durian when I'm home.haha.evil u.now lips abit swollen.haha.

Jin,u think we'll ever work out?I wanna make this last.really do.no second thoughts about this.

she gave him all she had left,

Even risked being broken again

The truth was all that she wanted,

But that was just a price too high for him to pay.

Don’t tell her you’re sorry,

You know as well as she does, that you aren’t.

Don’t tell her you love her,

Because you don't destroy the people you love

How does it make you feel,

To know you’re the one breaking her heart?

maybe you could hear me out again, hold me and then tell me it'll be alright.

if this hurt dont stop soon i will die. if the tears wont stop soon i will drown. im running out of masks to put on, i am running out of time, my pain is catching up and im losing it.

music: pink: fucking perfect.

ive had a weekend more or less to myself. i actually was alright being alone. surprising considering that ive always been the one to not sit around and not do anything or go anywhere. but i was contented to slack away in the comfort of home, watching episodes of modern family and hiding under the sheets.

ive had time to think about myself. ive had time to confuse myself and mess my brain rather.

i need to find myself. i need someone to tell me i am fucking perfect.

i am everything i am beause you love me mom and dad.

i'd like to believe that i am doing something so different from what my genes tell me that i am made for. i'd like to believe that i dont want to settle for normal but to push the limits and always be better.

but it's so so hard. i am at my wits end. i am so scared that i'll never get anywhere. i am afraid to let go and tell anyone. i am unwilling to give up but this burden is too heavy.



i am sinking.

again and again. why, i really dont understand. help please, help now.

sucking it up and doing my best to focus on this week's papers first. sigh.

muscles and bones, i need you to help me.

i need to focus focus focus. i promise myself i will. turning in now, waking early tomorrow and starting right. need to be discipline. now.

i remember when my grandmother told me that i shouldnt play around and make noise in the kitchen because the kitchen god wouldnt be happy and he would report bad things about me to the upstairs people. i remember how she would fry niangao with eggs and i would love eating it non-stop. she would then tell me how we need to cook and eat niangao every year because we need to sweeten the kitchen's god mouth so that he would say nice things about us to the upstairs people.


haha. i miss you popo.

no point, no direction, no nothing.

i have no place in my own home to roam freely around and do my work and study because everywhere is occupied.

i have no rights to want to clarify my doubts because you are so good at just running away.

i have no one that i can pour out my sorrows to, i am hurting so much.

i had a dream about my lecturer, dr low. it was regarding desperately needing extra lessons from him one on one.

this sure is a huge sign for me to study big time already.

music: cheryl cole: parachute

hi, did i mentioned that you make me happy dear friend? it's the little things, it's when we do nothing in particular at all. the same feeling of familarity, the security that you give me. i know you'll never walk out on me, leave me alone and neglect me. i know you'll be there when ever and where ever. i trust myself with you.so annoying, so tiring but we'll get put of this phase in life somehow. we'll be better if we try.

the present's just a pleasant.

let me take this moment to be selfish, to be upset and let everything to be about just myself. the hurt has become a norm, a constant wave now and then and i cannot avoid it. i can only sail along and take what decides to come.

maybe you were the one who walked out, the one whom i thought would stay but didnt. maybe i was always the one to stay, right here waiting. maybe i just wanna cry my eyes out in front of you, just so you can see the hurt i've been bearing.

moments like this, reminds me that i am human. moments like this make me helplessly lost.

hurt, i am trying. hurt, i am putting on my mask now.

'the first star you see may not be a star, i'm not your star.'

sam and shannon's solemnisation.

congratulations you both, be blessed and happy a long time.the witnesses (lucas and i) with the married couple. (myself, saburi ken and samantha halley!)

this reminds me of old poly times, we'll always be kids at heart.

it being my first time at a marriage solemnisation and being sam's witness, i didnt know what to expect at all. but now i know. the feeling of excitment and nervousness, the feeling of happiness waiting to burst out. i wasnt the one saying my vows, i was just the witness at the side lines but nontheless i could feel the tears building up and it was a sudden flash back about how we have all grown up and moved along so quickly in life. it made me wonder if i would ever get married. it made me wonder if i would even find the right person. it made me so uncertain with my life. i was delighted for the both of them, but still, i couldnt help feeling envious on how they found each other. thank you my dears, for the invitation and allowing me to witness this whole moment.

a meeeeeee liiiii aaaaaaaaaaaaa .

too good to be true, i should have known..

i miss you; s.

music: leona lewis: happy

and here goes, my days are quite aimless. i wanted to start 2011 with a bang, with a direction and a positive smile each day. but i realise there are so many things that are still so blurry and i need answers to go on. i'll take each day at a time. i may be miserable as can be now, but im doing my best not to give up. it really is heavy and difficult but i cant die in my sleep now so yea.

a new year, a fresh week and the start of school again today. also, sam and shannon got married. ROM and i had the honour of being sam's witness :) i couldnt help feeling so joyfully happy, but a tingle of sadness was present in me nontheless as i feel the sense of dejection and thinking of this day for me might just never come through. pathetic as it sounds, but yes i felt that way. side note, congrats sam and shannon, be blessed and happy. love ya'll.

the only thing that make me feel that tab better better about myself today was lecture. dr low and his classes, awesome. and as pathetic as it can get yet again, the fact that he talked to me and mentioned how he loved the way i dressed today, really perked me that much more and made me feel happy. yea i know, im that sad. im very determine to sink into my school books and sink in my misery. oh wells.

i'm trying to perk myself with nice happy songs like i always do, but doesnt seem to be working. i can feel that bag of rocks on my back, i feel locked up still.

it hurts to wake up because the stabbing pain lingers and my mind cant help but wonders off. i am alone. i dont wanna wake because all i see are happy people around and i cant bear to face all that. i am miserable.

because i dont care who reads my blog. i dont care really who wants to bother about me. i dont care how anyone would think i am complicated or think too much.


maybe all i am saying is that i cannot pretend to be alright anymore. i hate everything else now. everything.

happy 2011, to me.

new year's eve, i stood alone at the beach watching the fireworks. no one was there for me to hug and scream and be happy. no one called nor texted. i started to cry as the colours were bursting right up in front above me. it wasn't because i was happy. i was miserable. i realise how alone i really was. i realise that what's the point of working so hard to keep it all together? i ended up alone anyways. the feeling of emptiness really ate me up good.

honestly, i was hoping for a better start to the new year. i was so determined. but not anymore. i am hurting so much inside. i dont feel motivated nor do i feel the need or want to try now. each step i take now feels really meaningless. i dont know what i am living for right now.

i am moodless and i feel the tears welling up every moment. dont bother to understand me. it will stab you.

'a piece of tiffany's would be lovely for christmas don't you think?'

skipped a beat, you again.

christmas is next weekend and i don't exactly feel all pumped up for it. but i really wanna be all excited for it. all the decorations, shopping and tis' the season to be jolly. i wanna be all soaked in it already.

what's missing?

"you looked at me with the truth in your eyes and you said it's ok i can go"

empty.

music: jennifer lopez: hold you down

all this make pretend of having it all in me, killed me. there now, catch me unintended again?

love is when you eat the egg whites and i take the yolks.

i am afraid that i'll never know how to be in love again.

i guess that really is the easiest way to put it through for people to undestand. tell me i derserve it, tell me it's karma, tell me that i am a bitch, a slut, what not, judge me till no end, tell me i will always be alone. i shouldn't be bothered with what others say, i should only be bothered and care for my friends. but how when i am so conscious? how when i seek acceptance in others?

but then it happened and i managed to learn to let it all go. once and the first time in my life, i can breathe easy and tell myself that it doesn't matter how everyone else in the world perceives me to be. i just need my friends to know the truth and trust me. i shouldn't let others get me down and decide my life.

so why when i feel that i can focus and let in again that things don't go my way? life really is unfair isn't it? im beginning to think that there is no point in changing for the better anymore. nothing will work out, when i thought i had it, it slipped right through so easily. in life, i try and try to be better, to make things work out but what has all these done for me? im not sure, but just that i am so paranoid now, so guarded, so afraid to let in all too soon. it's like i have this wall built around me now in which it takes forever or perhaps never to tear it down. i dont wanna keep holding it all up and having to be all proper. i wanna laugh and be really happy. i wanna cry like i mean it and i wanna love like romeo and juliet. i guess im saying that my feelings are numb. i'm scared that i can't find the right ways to feel no more.

it took forever, but i thought now i am ready. but it's just gone.

bored studying but this is my life.

im tired until wanna die kind of tired. anhb1101 i must conquer you. monday's practical and friday's theory paper. long long way to the finishing line. bored bored bored. cannot give up now.

'you gave my life direction, a game show love connection'

music: robyn: dancing on my own.

i am only human and i am ever growing and learning. i have made unwise decisions that hurt others and in turn hurt myself but i can only ask for forgiveness and apologise and of course change for the better. i may take awhile or perhaps a longer time but i only want to be better, i only want for people to like me. i earnestly just want to be good inside and out, i dont wanna cheat or lie or hurt anyone. i may have done so, not once or twice but it was stupid mistakes and i can vouch that it was me being unable to cope maturely and logically with situations. but i am growing up and i want to make it perfect.

i wanna stop dancing on my own. i wanna stop being messed up and out of line. i dont wanna be in the corner anymore. i wanna stop giving my all but have nothing good back.

i want to make a productive change. i wanna be on top of myself. to be able to look back from now on and have no regrets. to be able to be pure sincere and happy. to everyone i have crossed paths with, i apologise for the unhappy moments and i wanna thank you for all the happy ones. some may not have made it but im glad if we still remained as friends and yes, bygones be gone, forgive and forget, let's move on to be better.

i can understand the meaning of it was all back then when we were young and foolish. i can understand what is giving chances even if it is hard. i can understand that there is no point being angry all my life and bearing hatred.

forgive me, i am human and i will be better.

i'm in the corner, watching you kiss her

i'm right over here, why can't you see me

i'm giving it my all, but i'm not the girl you're taking home

i keep dancing on my own

i'm just gonna dance all night

i'm all messed up, i'm out of line

stilettos and broken bottles

i'm spinning around in circles

what's up with teens killing and stabbing others? not cool. perhaps they would live in regrets and only realise their actions after. stupid action and utterly selfish. taking the life of another just because of a small disagreement? then again, no matter how big the issue, it doesn't give one the right to stab another. this boy had a life ahead of him and so do you. but because of stupid impulsive actions, now everyone else suffers.

SI practical exam today!
last quiz for anbh1101 today!
i want to gagg and die cos i dont feel prepared for anything.

take a chance and dont ever look back.

the weekend.

swimming ivp at sports school.

christina.cassandra.

friday.

dinner with jim and minhui.