i wanna have a new nose because mine sucks big time. i hate having sinus, i hate free flow leaking nose, i hate block nose, i hate feeling under the weather, i hate feeling body aches, i hate having a bad throat, i just hate being sick. bummer bummer!!!



my life sucks my life sucks.



i started work yesterday. it was a hectic first day but time flew by quickly. it was horrible because i was sick. and i thought i would be able to stay in the office with jocelynn but shit no, i was dragged out by boss the whole day. xxxxxxxxxx. and then and then, i had coaching today. being sick is no joke man! the pool water was so freakingggg colddd. but it felt good swimming and then having to feel tired and being able to nap. i took medicine finally and it helped but im still feeling quite stoned. sighhhhh....tomorrow is work without jocelynn. i scareddddd. haha. im gonna start speaking like a japnese soon man.



i have to studyyyyy and i have to trainnnnn. fml fml fml.

music: snow patrol: you could be happy

because i really want to be happy.

please.

music: eminem featuring rihanna: love the way you lie

"just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie"

there are things in life where you only get one chance. you screw up, you pay the price and lose it. there are things in life where you may crave for so much but never get it, you can only watch and feel lost but life isn't ever gonna be fair to you. no one said that life was one where you could sail smoothly through. you want it, you work for it. you make mistakes, you get the hell back up and learn from it. but then what happens when one was never given a chance to learn? life as unfair as it will always be, murders you just like that. physically you may die from bleeding too much but what about mentally and emotionally? can it really heal? the scars haunt you a life time. it never goes away. no amount of words will ever relate how the emotions hurts. really. everyone would have felt this kind of piercing pain before. it stabs you right there where it hurts most over and over again. you can't remove it just like that. people say time heals but time is a long process and when it really does heal, the scar is there. it can be broken open all again and again. it never heals. you put it aside and it still comes back up to haunt you. we live in regrets.

my illusion, my mistake.

"tell them all i know now

shout it from the root top

write it on the skyline

all we had is gone now

tell them i was happy

and my heart is broken

all my scars are open

tell them what i hope would be impossible"

it was a cold wet rainy day and i left myself feeling horrible with my own screw ups. i cant figure out what was wrong or what went wrong. i can only hope for better chances soon.

but these scars will always be lessons learnt and pain worth feeling.

tomorrow; hours away i mean.

i gotta admit, i am getting the jitters now. the pressure is building. i need to focus, i need to maintain and be better.

battle cry, promise you that i am certified.

the week's break is almost over. nationals on sunday and i've got muscles aching like hell. school, dear biomechanics, please be nice to me.

hope, a word by itself, so simple but yet brings endless and powerful meanings.

hope is what i need now with each passing day.

i cant explain this feeling.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

there's so much that i want to express but my fragile heart cannot relate in words. if i could, i would turn back time and start all over again. if i knew what was to come, i would make it right, right from the start. if i knew that human beings could fuck themselves up so bad, i would train myself to be stronger than i am now. if i knew that one could ever feel such emotional pain, a pain worst than a cut, a physical injury with blood spilling and broken bones, i would seal my heart with just myself and you. i would not wanna weather the bad storms. i would want to have a happily ever after like in fairytales.

but because i am only human and like all others, i make mistakes after mistakes, regrets after regrets. i think that ive grown and learnt so much more but then i am back at ground zero where i realize that itll never ever be enough.

i have a heart so bruised because of what i did to myself. no ones to be blamed but only myself. ive never known such stupidity that i could cause to myself but now i see. i cant tell you how much i hate myself, how much i wish i could just die silently of the pain in me. its hard and for the amount of time that i havent given up at all, i really should be proud of where i have come but im getting tired and really, right now i just wanna lay down forever.

once again, i am feeling more alone than ever. yea i have awesome friends but my dears, theres only so much that all of you can do and i know ill appreciate it all. theres so much that i can remember, and i just wanna rest now.

"with my guard all down and my heart out in the open, i feel empty and naked. this heart of mine will always be broken."

tell them i was happy.

'can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

i could really use a wish right now'

remember we used to touch the sky.

i guess it felt good to have sort of let it all out. i cant believe it happened but it did and now that its all out and everyone knows where i am coming from, i feel honest, like a clean sheet of paper and am ready to fill it all up again. i appreciate that you guys sat by me and listen while i pathetically sobbed away and tried to relate what i felt deep down. it feels great knowing that my trust in the team never failed me and im certain now that it wont ever. thanks for the encouragement and reassurance. im here always.


it's gonna be a long long night and im hanging hanging...............

when my bottle pop.

i wanna wanna be better. im reciting to myself over and over again that i gotta take baby steps and not expect to leap so far so fast.

on another note, i did fairly well for psyc1101's assignment and im pretty relieve and happy to be honest. it's like finally im doing something right in uni. sigh. but i cant be contented at all. exam's next wednesday's and im getting scared. i should be used to this right? no, it's quite nerve wrecking to go through this every two months.

going on course tmr and i ought to be heading to bed already but im hanging in there to finish up.

sigh.

i need this so bad.

im not so sure anymore. i thought hard and long to come to this decision i made. i took the offer, i took the chance. i was delighted, it felt like a leap of faith. i knew i was moving on to greater heights. i know it's for the better if i wanted something more, to improve and be better.

it's hard now that i made the change. i layed down the differences, what to expect and what not, what were the possbilities and what wouldn't be. i prepared myself metally, but honestly now that i am here, i'm taken aback, i really never thought it would be so hard. i thought i was ready, i thought whatever comes, i would be able to handle it step by step. but it's only been a few sessions and i am at ground zero, feeling all too demoralised. it wasn't like they have been pushing me hard or stressing me out. it's got nothing to do with them. it's me. i'm stressing, i'm thinking and i'm getting upset and feeling very lost all too suddenly.

i'm not feeling the bond like i once had. i miss how it always felt, homesick maybe but i know i made the choice and i cannot look back now. it isn't fair, not just to me but to everyone else. i dont wanna give up. i know i was holding back yesterday. but why? i really wonder. am i intimidated? am i unhappy? or perhaps i'm just bad. i know i'm lagging behind but i never knew it would really be so tough. really, honestly, i know i'm not at my fittest nor have i been having ample training but i'm pretty shattered and i can't figure out why.

if i don't overcome myself and figure out why i'm feeling the way i am feeling, i'm just gonna keep holding back myself and i won't ever know my true capabilities. i don't want that, not after what i have build for myself and come to. i don't wanna pull myself down nor the team. i need to get up and get out. i need to start drilling it in me that this really is the right choice. moving on was never easy and i'm willing to try and learn. it's for the better and i know it. sigh.

music: shakira: waka waka (this time for africa)

i need a break, i want a break. all this non-stop studying is really tiring and wearing me out. i wanna bask in glory and never have to wake to realize that life isnt such a fairytale where im spoom fed every damn thing. sigh.

holiday, nowwwww.

i just wanna not know a thing and be happy. i just wanna know that everything is for a reason. i just wanna know that im headed somewhere. i just wanna know that there'll be a time when there's mine and to shine. i just wanna know that people who mean so much to me will never give up on me. i just wanna know that if i get down i can still get up. i just wanna know that i can let go and be out of my misery. i just wanna know that i can always feel my emotions to a sad or happy song.

dear dawn.

dear dawn,
i know alot had gone on in your life and i can only hope for the better for you. many a times, i really feel so helpless, so lost because i cant seem to do anything much for you at all. i wanna know how you are coping but im afraid to seem like im not giving you your space as well. so here i have been, silent most of the time because i really dont know whats the best i can do to make it all better. i know it isnt easy, and no amount of time can perhaps heal what has happened. but my girl, you know you will pull through and this will just make you a much stronger person. your life will probably have changes now, but either way, its just the beginning of whats ahead. hang in there and always always know that everyone of your friends are always here for you. i know that i dont show much but i will always be here as well. just a call away, a road away, a text away and what not. i miss you, i do. i wanna see you happy again.


xoxo

many a times i wish my life was like one of the rich and famous people. well mainly i wish for a carefree life. i wish i was an easier person, one who has simple goals and i wasnt too ambitious. maybe then i wouldnt have so many thoughts and worries.

i am contented at where i am today, no doubt about it but it's been awhile now and i still feel unsettled. it's like everything's here but i cant seem to figure out still where and what belongs around me. it's like im still disoriented, im in need for an oragnization project of some sort.

and then i finally got my first ever gold medal. a dream come true, something in which i always thought was just a mere dream, something i always thought was unreachable. but it came through. too shocked for words, i dont know to what degree of happiness i am in. i know i worked for it and it know it took years of practice in order for the achievement. i know people out there have seen where i came from and they sincerely am happy congratulating me on my winning but when it all died down, i looked back and i tell myself that a gold medal with that timing that i did was not acceptable because honestly, i know i an perform better than that. the drive is there to push on, i hope i really hope that i can do it for nationals and then maybe i would then just have the chance to move in to something bigger.

but for now, i have an assignment due soon and a whole lot of readings to do. sigh.

"Babe.

All the experiences from the best ones to the suckiest ones brings you somewhere in life. You may not know how right now but someday you're gonna look back and be glad you made the decisions you make and felt the way you feel. You know very well that life's a bitch and we just gotta roll with the punches. You don't have to hide your emotions. If you're upset, be upset and if you're angry, be angry. Cos trust me babe, it'll go away someday sooner or later.

You're already 21 and you have so much to live for. Screw heartbreaks and boys and girls. Have fun. You have the awesomest friends around you. I read your blog. Every person left a footprint in your life one way or another. IF it fades, it fades. You have a million more footprints to cherish.

Loves many many.

Paris. (im never letting this name go)"

you make it hard to see.

i ought to be the next happiest person on earth because my exam was just over yesterday. i should be grinning from ear to ear and doing every other thing that i had supposingly planned out while desperately mugging for my paper. but no, i was tired out, i had a headache, i just wanted to go home and snuggle in bed with myself.

i think i saw you there and then and i started to realise that i have been avoiding these feelings and emotions all along. it was because i never thought i had to see you again and i thought i moved on. i dont know why i am feeling this way but n i wished we dont have to avoid each other. it hurts and i know it shouldnt. i remember how we ended, i remember how i was and it isnt something that i am proud of and want to hold on to. i grew up in the years that went by but i guess you lingered at the back of my mind. im afraid i still feel too much.

the people that had actually left footprints all over my life are perhaps the people who have created impacts big enough for me to spare them some brain cells and talk about them here. so many stupid mistakes i made and so many regrets that i wished i could take back and undo. i grew up, i know better than anyone else and it's really time i show it.

i want time alone today. im looking forward to spending time to my favourite friend now.

mi ish lub u deep deep mani mani nong nong time.

the all too familar feeling of muscle aches and soreness, bruises that appear unconciously and the dehydration that makes me wanna drink up non stop.

this is pure pleasure.

me plus you.

mermaid my baby girl, you have no idea how much i love you. since the day i set my eyes on you, i knew you were gonna be coming home with me no matter what. you've grown so much since four years ago but each time i look at you, you still remind me of when i first brought you home, the small little furball who hid behind my legs and never made a sound. i'll remember always how you were so afraid the first few nights and i had to sleep by you. oh baby girl, you make me feel so happy and you have no idea how you do that.

'your world is my world,

my fight is your fight

my breath is your breath'

music: justin bieber: baby

what i want is simple, the most basic that anyone could give really. but while trying to get that, the process won't be easy. for there will be so many obstacles.

when i put too much thought into anything, the process of life can get too complicated.

so maybe i'll just enjoy while i can and perhaps then i won't know what hurt is anymore.

swinging me right round.

i want to blog about nothing in particular really. i'm just happy.

i'm happy as can be, almost like when mermaid sense my presence when i get home and she wags her tail excitedly at me.

i'm happy as can be, so much that i can smile and sing along to every cheery song.

i'm so happy as can be that if i could, i would run and jump down the highest waterfall.

maybe i just wanna say 'baby baby baby' right in your face.

laa dee dumm dumm.

i have so much to say but no time on my hands. we'll do so soon though but for now i shall bask in the sun and dig my toes in the sand while remembering not to pig out so much and of course i have to hit the school books again.

lovelove!

'everything, everything is still a blur.'

' can't remember what i did last night

maybe i shouldn't have given in but i just couldn't fight

hope i didn't done what i think i might

everything, everything is still a blur'

at where i am now and at the rate i am coping with school, i'll never get by. this is the real harsh truth and i need to deal with it because this is for real and if i were to continue with what has always been, i'll be getting no where in life.

universty life is sucking me dry one way or another. this is a serious wake up call to get in the game already. the stresses are settling in day by day. there is no easy way, there is no other way. i can cry as much as i want at breaking point or for failed modules but nothing's gonna stop for me. it's a fast game. it's something that i've never really had to experience really. as much as i know i am at a disadvantage and am lacking, it shouldn't and cannot be an excuse at all. no way, no one will hear of it. i may have lecturers, friends, family and a world of information that i can turn to, but at the end of the day, i am in this degree alone and i will play alone.

no, i will not be nothing. no, i refuse to falter and crumble just like that, with no fight at all because i am what my mom and dad made me to be. a perfectly healthy and capable lil' girl with the whole world to shape in her own hands.

how can i then just sit back and let the world shape me? how can i fail what my parents have made me to be. most importantly, how can i fail myself just like that, after coming so far already, i cannot just let it all go.

failures were meant to be for one to learn from and be better. that i shall be. i have to learn it the tough way and get on with life. results are everything in society now isn't it? you want it? i'll produce it. i will show you how i can actually do it as well or perhaps better than everyone else.

there now, i am willingly to try it all over again, this time with a much more determined heart, mind and soul. this time, i will get it right, start on the right foot and give my all.

i shall promise to keep my life a balance and never fail myself again. my birthday wish to myself will be to never ever fail myself.

there now, i'm begging of myself, give yourself much more needed faith that you will get through this doing well. you have so much more to offer than you can see for yourself.

something's wrong up on cloud number 9.

i am happy.

i am enjoying school because i have awesome friends.

i am enjoying work because nothing's really new, i still have great work mates.

i am contented.

i love where i am in life now.

'well the moon is up and the stars are bright and whatever comes gonna be alright.

cos' tonight you will be mine, up on cloud number nine.

and there ain't no place that i rather be and we can't go back but you're here with me.

yea the weather's really fine, up on cloud number nine.'

dear jon, i was at kovan today and although it's been 7 months since we broke up, i had that rush of sadness all too suddenly. everywhere had memories. it was painful at that moment. i felt the tears building up. i felt the urge to hold your hand again.

and i questioned myself again if i am alright, if i have have healed and move on.

dear jon, i took you so seriously. i loved like no other and i cared like i never did before. i dont want answers or explanations anymore. i know it was a fairytale that was never meant to happen. i just want you to know that it cut like a knife. it was real and i never felt such vivid pain before.

dear jon, i had so much to deal with and to heal from. the wound will always remain but it's better now. i'll still be here by you when you need a friend. i dont care if you ever bother anymore but i just wish you'd know how i really feel about us.

dear jon, p.s. i loved you.

i cant find my shoe bag and my lucky smily faced socks :(

you know how when you look someone right in the eyes and you feel a lil' something.

perhaps you could just be falling into something you never expected.

i was so scared when i woke up hearing you vomitting so hard and loud. it reminded me so much of when i was down with virus fever for a whole week and i thought i was dying. it also reminded me of when popo said goodbye to us for the last time before she left home for the hospital and never came back. i was so scared kor. i really was. i felt lost. and for the first time in a long while, i felt so much like when i was your kid sister again back when we were younger and closer. i've always wanted you to know that i love you so much and i've always looked up to you as my elder brother.

'i think about you in the summertime'

happy songs would make me feel good for abit but then the feeling just fades when it ends. i know i am darn right good enough to be treated way better. i know i deserve the best that i can ever get. i am worthy of everything. i have to think this way, because it's by far time that i shut the negative comments of myself out of me. gone gone gone are the days where i melt oh so easily. because of one who made me realize how horrible love can be. what really was or is the point anymore.

i dont wanna be no third party. i dont wanna be a rebound. i dont wanna be for the time being. i dont wanna be more in love than you are with me. because i think ive tried many ways to grasp this fucked up thing called love and its really horribly painful.

i just wanna lock myself up with chains everywhere and not fall in love anymore.

if you could see that i'm the one who understands you

been here all along so why can't you see

you belong with me, you belong with me.

dear HMES1101: ANATOMICAL BASIS OF HUMAN MOVEMENT,

'you could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.'

xoxoME

music: taylor swift: you're not sorry

with a heavy heart, i pick my mask out each day.

with a smile so real plastered on, i get by everyday.

when it gets too painful to handle, i break down behind close doors.

the guts are up and the it's stronger than before now.

so afraid once more to allow a stranger in.

so fragile i am, but you'll never see break.

with each day that passes now, i pray for a better me.

i whisper to myself that it'll be alright.

i miss you, did you know now?

music: corrinne may: scars

'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'
failed results and the feeling of anxiety to need to score well. nontheless, the mind and body doesn't want to function hand in hand. the soul doesn't seem willing and i am helpless, at least somehow i am at a loss.

counting down, i have about five days left to my exams and it's killing me that i can't seem to focus well. it's killing me that i am so affected by what's already been done. i don't want to be affected. i want to focus and be able to ace through my upcoming papers but how, how can i possibly control my emotions? i needa needa do it, i don't have a choice because this is how life is. i have done this before. i can do this all over again. i must, i have to.

'take a look at the ordinary, don't need to look for paradise'
i should be contented with the way i am, what i have and where i am now. i am happy, but there are times where i can't help but feel too down. i can't figure out what is missing, what is wrong. how then can it be there i can feel so horrible about myself? when i have not a clue what is wrong at all.

and then i stop to breathe. i look around and mother nature calms me down. i start to think in a chain reaction sort of pattern. i think of the lovely friends i have and i start to think of my own strengths an capablilties. i disown the flaws in me and hush away the pain within me.

and you know what's the greatest thing that can make me smile and feel like the luckiest person on earth? it's when i have sun-shining days and i am able to share a sweet nothing moment with a loved one.




xoxo

music: alicia keys: empire state of mind

tonight will be my last lecture with dr loh and i cant help but feel a pang of sadness. ive truly enjoyed this module with him lecturing the class. never once did i not look forward to going to class and ive actually stopped whinning about quitting school. this is to me, really learning about sports science in school. finally, when things start to look up, things just gotta end :(

exams are next week and i am freaking out once again. the eagerness to score and do well. when you have someone that dedicated to want to teach you and impart whatever they have in you, i cant possibly let them down can i? no, i wont, absolutely not. thus, the freaking out and thus the scrambling around to study and cramp everything in asap.

aside from school and studying, im starting to look forward to a new life into growing up for good. hello life, will you welcome me now with arms wide open and sun-shining days?

because this was the song, our song.

i remember when i lay in your bed and fm static was playing 'tonight' on your lappy. that was the first time that i had heard the song and i loved it instantly. i remember us being passionate and real. it was honest loving, it was just you and me and we were so in love in each other's arms.

there were so many flaws and there were so many ugly truths and happenings. but i gave it all up, i put them away. i tried hard, i really did. i wanted us to work. i loved like never before. i cried and hurt thinking it was all worth it. it was, it still is.

yea, i havent exactly been the one to keep, the one who has it all and could give you all. but i think i deserve the credits for giving my all. there will be no more explanations on why we never worked out. it cant be explained can it now? how do you explain feelings that fade? cos' it happened to you. if everything i did could keep you loving me, i think we would still be together. but it didnt work out. you called quits finally. i wish to hate you but i cant. i dont and wont ever.

i still miss you on many nights. ive never felt more alone than ever on such nights. it feels just like yesterday that you walked away b. perhaps everything about us is fading into the background. im learning to move on but ive never taken so long to go on before. it feels so stagnant, it feels too hard.

i dont wanna move from my corner now. i wanna put fm static's 'tonight' on replay and just cry my heart out now.

2010.

happy new year yo. time flies like a rocketship. i hate the idea that i'll be 21 in a few months to come. sigh! im aging and i feel so horrible about it. with no career, no money, no looks or body and no partner, i'll so be left on the shelf soon. haha. crap man.

i pray that 2010 will be a fresh start for me. i hope bad things dont come my way. i hope i have no more drama. i want a nice start and a nice end. i pray that the gods hear me and throw me some cute ass white sufer boy with platinum blond hair. (ok fine, im just joking.) nontheless, i dont want anymore drama mama break up love story shit la. so painful, my heart cannot take anymore now that im getting older. lol.

anyways, when the clock striked midnight and it was 2010 already, i watched on at the firework display at sentosa and i really couldnt figure out why i was smiling. i wasnt thinking but yet i felt contented at that very moment. for years now, this was the first time i was single, with no partner. as always, i was usually working at sentosa with my awesome work mates but never have i looked up at the fireworks display and felt this way. it was as if i was so at peace really. and after that, i thought to myself about my life and i realised how much i loved my friends so very much. the people whom i may not often see, like some of my sentosa work mates, were the ones who actually made me so happy in my past years. they maybe see me only once in awhile and they may not know me well enough but we've been through years together like that and unconciously, we've grown to know and understand one another. now truly, these are the people who havent judged me and who accept me for who and how i am. i am truly blessed to have all this brothes and sisters by me for the past 4 years that i have been working in sentosa's beach patrol. it's like i know i never hafta worry because i have so many supports and back ups. i should be happy with what i am now, the company of people who love me back :)

my mind's a little messy and i may be lost for words to say now but nontheless, i know with each passing day now, i am moving on. because i am determined and because i know i have so much more that i can look forward to. 2010 behold! imma start living my life right from now on with no regrets!

xoxo.

yea, maybe they were right all along, i'm not over you, i haven't been moving on. i feel the tears welling up and the bitterness of it all. i feel more alone then ever. home with nothing to look forward to on christmas. so where's the happily ever after i was seeking for like in fairytale? truth is, it'll never exist.

you've hit ever god damn point. you are damn right. why am i still close, why do i still bother. you know, the fucked up thing is that it'll never be your fault and you'll never feel the pain because you are free while im stuck in this black hole.

bali bali bali, love you to bits and pieces.

i shopped like crazy.

i ate like crazy.

i played too hard.

i got overly excited about almost everything.

i had too much sun.

i was dressed to the slackest, in bikini every damn day.

i love the beer.

i have truckloads of pictures.

all this and more to be updated soon because i love bali so so much.

xoxo.

bali awaits.

because i can feel you trembling in my bones.the excitement hasn't kicked in yet but really, i am looking forward to Bali in hours to come. i have nevertheless to say, drifted far off into the holiday mood. yes yes, i do feel guilty about missing practical-lab class tmr and that said, i feel damn horrible that i am way behind my own timetable in studying/revising. sigh! sigh! so much to do and so little time, not to mention, this christmasy season is so getting on to me. anyhow, i do hope that this Bali holiday will be refreshing and when i get back, I'll be more focus after having had an (i know it will be) awesome 5 day break :) sun, sand and sea, i could never ask for anything more cos' that's where home is to me.

okok, as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel a little giddy rush of excitement in me already. oohh laaa laaa, i cant wait to feel the warm sun shinning down on me and my toes feeling the wet soft sad with the gentle waves brushing against my ankles. Bali, you are paradise to me now, even though I'm not even on the plane to you yet.

so peeps, I'll be gone for abit and whoever whom i haven't told that I'll be away, if you read this, please know that i am having the time of my life in Bali but fret not, I'll be back on Tuesday cos' really, i cant bear to leave my lovelies back here in Singapore. in the mean time, take care and have fun yo.

xoxoJIN

until then, this is goodbye for good.

you know the kind of frustration when you realise that you've given a person one too many times to change and prove himself to you and still he's at that exact same spot? yea, that's how i've been feeling for awhile now. dear k, we were once lovers who become friends, but wait, let me correct that, we weren't exactly friends. how could we have been since you were never exactly there. you wanted me for the benefits, you wanted me when you were bored and lonely. damn right, you look like a wise good guy, but i do hope that the people around you one day see the true light. in your circle of friends, i've prolly always have been deemed as the slut, the bad and rotten one who brought nothing but misery to your life. so much for all that bullshit speech you gave me that night. really you lie like a bitch. i've been standing by you for as long as i've known you. i've been there all your nights out, i've been there when you needed a listening ear. did you try to let me in? hell no. you made me stay out all this time. i am utterly upset, very hurt. in fact so hurt that maybe i won't wanna see you ever again. until maybe hopefully one day, you've woken up and say the truth. i don't care if we never ever work out but the way you have been treating me all these years? i think i want an explanation, i deserve more than just a word of sorry.

i'm so angry hurt that i wanna break down and cry. that's how bad it is.

castles in the air.

you know maybe ive never been moving on. maybe ive still been lingering at the back, hoping that somehow i'll get through all this, but really, i dont know how to. many a times i feel alright, i feel like i can get through every damn thing just by myself. but then, there are many a times as well where i feel so horrible, i feel i need a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold me and kisses to calm me.

i think i have almost lost control of what's going on in my life. ive got so much going on it feels like it's all gonna burst soon. im scared. i really am. im scared of growing up and facing challenges. im scared of failing in sch. im scared of being a nobody. im scared that im not being loved. im scared to move away from you. i think im holding on still, unknowingly. as im pouring all these out right now, i feel the tears building from within. i wanna break down and give up. for everyone who has known me, the have always seen the cheery side of me. ive never been the one to break down and away. but im a mess now. look at me now, i feel so empty.

as i try to fall asleep at night or as i gaze into nothing now, i pray a little prayer that i will get right soon. i wanna find my strength and be genuinely happy. i wish the pain away, i wish away the tears. i wish to let go.

music: michael jackson: this is it

im cracking up over the SI exam this week. i'm having cold feet. i'm actually freaking out a little. sigh.








i feel like getting ink again.

i felt the angels cry.

i've just had one of the worst weeks by far in a long time. i'm really really not finding it easy to settle down as a university student. it's so so tough. after a short break from the exams, i had a weird ass bad gut feeling that something just wasn't right. and yea, i was right. i checked my uwa mail on monday and there it was, an email by julie hill telling me about plagiarism found in my essay...yet again. now, i was given a chance to re-edit my essay and i did! i earnestly sat down and spent time to look through everything once again. i was pretty sure that i had done a good job but i guess wrong. sigh! i was utterly speechless and was almost close to tears because when i read that mail, it felt like that was it. like i was black listed and that i was a horrible student. that was to me, the worst thing that could happen to me. back then i was younger, i was always the student who needed to get everything right and be accepted. i guess i never grew out of that. anyways, i scheduled an interview with dr cj koh and after that meeting with him, i'm much more relieved. i told him honestly that all this school and module and what not was really overwhelming to me because i was so fresh and i felt kinda lost. hopefully i'm cleared of anything bad. thank goodness sheena accompanied me throughout the interview. i would prolly have broken down because really, i'm just so fragile inside. i'm scared at anything academic. i suck at all that studying matters. i'm really just praying for all to be better now. i can't do much now anyways. i've emailed julie and told her about how it was all an honest mistake and i never meant to cheat or whatsoever. you know, it ain't that bad in a way. it was only like 13% plagiarism. sheena said she saw like others who had 40-50% and over. ah well! it still sucks like crap to be like 'labelled'.

that aside, i'm digging my new unit, human movement. actually, i'm totally loving my lecturer, dr low. he's awesome, totally. he makes lectures so interesting by bringing everything down and relating our learning to things we can relate to and understand. He's funny and he's accent is to die for some how. so clear and yet so doctor-ish. haha. yea. i feel myself being motivated to go for classes and looking forward to see him and actually wanting to work hard for this unit. i truly want to grasp everything because it feels to me that he's making so much of an effort to help us, so i do owe him in a way. he makes me feel good in so many ways about school suddenly :) a plus point for a crapped up week. oh well! i wanna marry a doctor la. so smart, so rich, so nice, some more can have smart kids. lol.

people like my lecturer can manage to make me happy and feel good about myself. they make me think that perhaps life isn't all that ugly and hard. maybe i can do this alone and maybe i am already contented. but then it all fades away and i get emotional and i find myself wondering what is it that is lacking. i miss you i guess, but no one in particular. i'm kinda tired of doing all these alone.

xoxo