dear HMES1101: ANATOMICAL BASIS OF HUMAN MOVEMENT,

'you could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.'

xoxoME

music: taylor swift: you're not sorry

with a heavy heart, i pick my mask out each day.

with a smile so real plastered on, i get by everyday.

when it gets too painful to handle, i break down behind close doors.

the guts are up and the it's stronger than before now.

so afraid once more to allow a stranger in.

so fragile i am, but you'll never see break.

with each day that passes now, i pray for a better me.

i whisper to myself that it'll be alright.

i miss you, did you know now?

music: corrinne may: scars

'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'
failed results and the feeling of anxiety to need to score well. nontheless, the mind and body doesn't want to function hand in hand. the soul doesn't seem willing and i am helpless, at least somehow i am at a loss.

counting down, i have about five days left to my exams and it's killing me that i can't seem to focus well. it's killing me that i am so affected by what's already been done. i don't want to be affected. i want to focus and be able to ace through my upcoming papers but how, how can i possibly control my emotions? i needa needa do it, i don't have a choice because this is how life is. i have done this before. i can do this all over again. i must, i have to.

'take a look at the ordinary, don't need to look for paradise'
i should be contented with the way i am, what i have and where i am now. i am happy, but there are times where i can't help but feel too down. i can't figure out what is missing, what is wrong. how then can it be there i can feel so horrible about myself? when i have not a clue what is wrong at all.

and then i stop to breathe. i look around and mother nature calms me down. i start to think in a chain reaction sort of pattern. i think of the lovely friends i have and i start to think of my own strengths an capablilties. i disown the flaws in me and hush away the pain within me.

and you know what's the greatest thing that can make me smile and feel like the luckiest person on earth? it's when i have sun-shining days and i am able to share a sweet nothing moment with a loved one.




xoxo

music: alicia keys: empire state of mind

tonight will be my last lecture with dr loh and i cant help but feel a pang of sadness. ive truly enjoyed this module with him lecturing the class. never once did i not look forward to going to class and ive actually stopped whinning about quitting school. this is to me, really learning about sports science in school. finally, when things start to look up, things just gotta end :(

exams are next week and i am freaking out once again. the eagerness to score and do well. when you have someone that dedicated to want to teach you and impart whatever they have in you, i cant possibly let them down can i? no, i wont, absolutely not. thus, the freaking out and thus the scrambling around to study and cramp everything in asap.

aside from school and studying, im starting to look forward to a new life into growing up for good. hello life, will you welcome me now with arms wide open and sun-shining days?

because this was the song, our song.

i remember when i lay in your bed and fm static was playing 'tonight' on your lappy. that was the first time that i had heard the song and i loved it instantly. i remember us being passionate and real. it was honest loving, it was just you and me and we were so in love in each other's arms.

there were so many flaws and there were so many ugly truths and happenings. but i gave it all up, i put them away. i tried hard, i really did. i wanted us to work. i loved like never before. i cried and hurt thinking it was all worth it. it was, it still is.

yea, i havent exactly been the one to keep, the one who has it all and could give you all. but i think i deserve the credits for giving my all. there will be no more explanations on why we never worked out. it cant be explained can it now? how do you explain feelings that fade? cos' it happened to you. if everything i did could keep you loving me, i think we would still be together. but it didnt work out. you called quits finally. i wish to hate you but i cant. i dont and wont ever.

i still miss you on many nights. ive never felt more alone than ever on such nights. it feels just like yesterday that you walked away b. perhaps everything about us is fading into the background. im learning to move on but ive never taken so long to go on before. it feels so stagnant, it feels too hard.

i dont wanna move from my corner now. i wanna put fm static's 'tonight' on replay and just cry my heart out now.

2010.

happy new year yo. time flies like a rocketship. i hate the idea that i'll be 21 in a few months to come. sigh! im aging and i feel so horrible about it. with no career, no money, no looks or body and no partner, i'll so be left on the shelf soon. haha. crap man.

i pray that 2010 will be a fresh start for me. i hope bad things dont come my way. i hope i have no more drama. i want a nice start and a nice end. i pray that the gods hear me and throw me some cute ass white sufer boy with platinum blond hair. (ok fine, im just joking.) nontheless, i dont want anymore drama mama break up love story shit la. so painful, my heart cannot take anymore now that im getting older. lol.

anyways, when the clock striked midnight and it was 2010 already, i watched on at the firework display at sentosa and i really couldnt figure out why i was smiling. i wasnt thinking but yet i felt contented at that very moment. for years now, this was the first time i was single, with no partner. as always, i was usually working at sentosa with my awesome work mates but never have i looked up at the fireworks display and felt this way. it was as if i was so at peace really. and after that, i thought to myself about my life and i realised how much i loved my friends so very much. the people whom i may not often see, like some of my sentosa work mates, were the ones who actually made me so happy in my past years. they maybe see me only once in awhile and they may not know me well enough but we've been through years together like that and unconciously, we've grown to know and understand one another. now truly, these are the people who havent judged me and who accept me for who and how i am. i am truly blessed to have all this brothes and sisters by me for the past 4 years that i have been working in sentosa's beach patrol. it's like i know i never hafta worry because i have so many supports and back ups. i should be happy with what i am now, the company of people who love me back :)

my mind's a little messy and i may be lost for words to say now but nontheless, i know with each passing day now, i am moving on. because i am determined and because i know i have so much more that i can look forward to. 2010 behold! imma start living my life right from now on with no regrets!

xoxo.

yea, maybe they were right all along, i'm not over you, i haven't been moving on. i feel the tears welling up and the bitterness of it all. i feel more alone then ever. home with nothing to look forward to on christmas. so where's the happily ever after i was seeking for like in fairytale? truth is, it'll never exist.

you've hit ever god damn point. you are damn right. why am i still close, why do i still bother. you know, the fucked up thing is that it'll never be your fault and you'll never feel the pain because you are free while im stuck in this black hole.

bali bali bali, love you to bits and pieces.

i shopped like crazy.

i ate like crazy.

i played too hard.

i got overly excited about almost everything.

i had too much sun.

i was dressed to the slackest, in bikini every damn day.

i love the beer.

i have truckloads of pictures.

all this and more to be updated soon because i love bali so so much.

xoxo.

bali awaits.

because i can feel you trembling in my bones.the excitement hasn't kicked in yet but really, i am looking forward to Bali in hours to come. i have nevertheless to say, drifted far off into the holiday mood. yes yes, i do feel guilty about missing practical-lab class tmr and that said, i feel damn horrible that i am way behind my own timetable in studying/revising. sigh! sigh! so much to do and so little time, not to mention, this christmasy season is so getting on to me. anyhow, i do hope that this Bali holiday will be refreshing and when i get back, I'll be more focus after having had an (i know it will be) awesome 5 day break :) sun, sand and sea, i could never ask for anything more cos' that's where home is to me.

okok, as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel a little giddy rush of excitement in me already. oohh laaa laaa, i cant wait to feel the warm sun shinning down on me and my toes feeling the wet soft sad with the gentle waves brushing against my ankles. Bali, you are paradise to me now, even though I'm not even on the plane to you yet.

so peeps, I'll be gone for abit and whoever whom i haven't told that I'll be away, if you read this, please know that i am having the time of my life in Bali but fret not, I'll be back on Tuesday cos' really, i cant bear to leave my lovelies back here in Singapore. in the mean time, take care and have fun yo.

xoxoJIN

until then, this is goodbye for good.

you know the kind of frustration when you realise that you've given a person one too many times to change and prove himself to you and still he's at that exact same spot? yea, that's how i've been feeling for awhile now. dear k, we were once lovers who become friends, but wait, let me correct that, we weren't exactly friends. how could we have been since you were never exactly there. you wanted me for the benefits, you wanted me when you were bored and lonely. damn right, you look like a wise good guy, but i do hope that the people around you one day see the true light. in your circle of friends, i've prolly always have been deemed as the slut, the bad and rotten one who brought nothing but misery to your life. so much for all that bullshit speech you gave me that night. really you lie like a bitch. i've been standing by you for as long as i've known you. i've been there all your nights out, i've been there when you needed a listening ear. did you try to let me in? hell no. you made me stay out all this time. i am utterly upset, very hurt. in fact so hurt that maybe i won't wanna see you ever again. until maybe hopefully one day, you've woken up and say the truth. i don't care if we never ever work out but the way you have been treating me all these years? i think i want an explanation, i deserve more than just a word of sorry.

i'm so angry hurt that i wanna break down and cry. that's how bad it is.

castles in the air.

you know maybe ive never been moving on. maybe ive still been lingering at the back, hoping that somehow i'll get through all this, but really, i dont know how to. many a times i feel alright, i feel like i can get through every damn thing just by myself. but then, there are many a times as well where i feel so horrible, i feel i need a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold me and kisses to calm me.

i think i have almost lost control of what's going on in my life. ive got so much going on it feels like it's all gonna burst soon. im scared. i really am. im scared of growing up and facing challenges. im scared of failing in sch. im scared of being a nobody. im scared that im not being loved. im scared to move away from you. i think im holding on still, unknowingly. as im pouring all these out right now, i feel the tears building from within. i wanna break down and give up. for everyone who has known me, the have always seen the cheery side of me. ive never been the one to break down and away. but im a mess now. look at me now, i feel so empty.

as i try to fall asleep at night or as i gaze into nothing now, i pray a little prayer that i will get right soon. i wanna find my strength and be genuinely happy. i wish the pain away, i wish away the tears. i wish to let go.

music: michael jackson: this is it

im cracking up over the SI exam this week. i'm having cold feet. i'm actually freaking out a little. sigh.








i feel like getting ink again.

i felt the angels cry.

i've just had one of the worst weeks by far in a long time. i'm really really not finding it easy to settle down as a university student. it's so so tough. after a short break from the exams, i had a weird ass bad gut feeling that something just wasn't right. and yea, i was right. i checked my uwa mail on monday and there it was, an email by julie hill telling me about plagiarism found in my essay...yet again. now, i was given a chance to re-edit my essay and i did! i earnestly sat down and spent time to look through everything once again. i was pretty sure that i had done a good job but i guess wrong. sigh! i was utterly speechless and was almost close to tears because when i read that mail, it felt like that was it. like i was black listed and that i was a horrible student. that was to me, the worst thing that could happen to me. back then i was younger, i was always the student who needed to get everything right and be accepted. i guess i never grew out of that. anyways, i scheduled an interview with dr cj koh and after that meeting with him, i'm much more relieved. i told him honestly that all this school and module and what not was really overwhelming to me because i was so fresh and i felt kinda lost. hopefully i'm cleared of anything bad. thank goodness sheena accompanied me throughout the interview. i would prolly have broken down because really, i'm just so fragile inside. i'm scared at anything academic. i suck at all that studying matters. i'm really just praying for all to be better now. i can't do much now anyways. i've emailed julie and told her about how it was all an honest mistake and i never meant to cheat or whatsoever. you know, it ain't that bad in a way. it was only like 13% plagiarism. sheena said she saw like others who had 40-50% and over. ah well! it still sucks like crap to be like 'labelled'.

that aside, i'm digging my new unit, human movement. actually, i'm totally loving my lecturer, dr low. he's awesome, totally. he makes lectures so interesting by bringing everything down and relating our learning to things we can relate to and understand. He's funny and he's accent is to die for some how. so clear and yet so doctor-ish. haha. yea. i feel myself being motivated to go for classes and looking forward to see him and actually wanting to work hard for this unit. i truly want to grasp everything because it feels to me that he's making so much of an effort to help us, so i do owe him in a way. he makes me feel good in so many ways about school suddenly :) a plus point for a crapped up week. oh well! i wanna marry a doctor la. so smart, so rich, so nice, some more can have smart kids. lol.

people like my lecturer can manage to make me happy and feel good about myself. they make me think that perhaps life isn't all that ugly and hard. maybe i can do this alone and maybe i am already contented. but then it all fades away and i get emotional and i find myself wondering what is it that is lacking. i miss you i guess, but no one in particular. i'm kinda tired of doing all these alone.

xoxo

it's over!

:)

heading to bed now now now! gotta wake for rp biathlon in a few hours time!

xoxo.

'love you like a louis vuitton heels in a mini skirt'

im feeling so so numb now. the practical exam just now wasn't good or bad. it wasn't horrible because i didn't find anything unfamiliar. it was horrific because instead, i was finding it difficult to recall the answers. its bad i tell you. im pretty convinced that its already a goner. sigh! ive got to squeeze the last droplets of juice outta my brains for this friday's theory paper :( im not very confident either.

i cant help but want to cry out loud and yell in someone's face about how i think it's crazy that i am only given about 2 freaking months to learn and master every darn thing about human biology....part 1 did i mention? sighh...zzzz....yea, there's human biology part 2 in my upcoming timetable as well. ive never ever done a bio paper by far and ive never knew anything much to do with bio as well. so how is it that i am really expected to grasp everything single detail in uni language about the unit??!!

i know i shouldnt be whining but i cant help myself. i dont wanna fail though i know my chances are ever so slim now. i started school wanting to do well but i started hitting pit bottom since day 1 id say. ive gotta buck up somehow. i need to go on.

on another note, im kinda relieve that im helping sheena be her co-host for her secondary school (SM) prom night. its scripted somehow but we're going impromptu. i havent exactly found any outfit by heck with it since we're just gonna be the emcees. haha! i cant wait to sort of go back in time for abit and see how it was like back in the secondary school prom day once again. then again, this time around, it'll prolly be more hip with fancier dresses, drastic make ups and killer heels or at least something like that. back then when i had my secondary school prom night, it was still pretty simple. oh wells, time catches everyone at anytime and swings right by.

i've always loved and wanted to paint my nails all glittery pretty but have never really found the right type of nail polish. also, i totally refuse to pay to do my nails because for one thing, paying to paint my nails glittery is costly and secondly, i'm in the water so often and that only encourages my nail polish to chip faster. so really, what's the point?

but i can't resist pretty nails, (so chio <3) who wouldn't love it! nevertheless, i would totally love to try nail extensions one day, though it won't do any good for my jobs at all. all the crystals and colours and glitter are too much to resist :) i'm not a girly girl but i am a girl after all and 'oohing and ahhing' at pretty things are just in the female system.

so anyways, the other day when i saw minhui's nails, it was totally love at first sight. it was glittery shinny, and of course i had to ask her where she bought her nail polish from and how much it cost! but that silly girl said her mom bought it and till now, she hasn't told me where it's from yet. haha! but of course i couldn't wait and i asked to borrow the nail polish to use! so here goes, the 'chioness' of the glittery nails!

with flash:

without flash:

i know my painting skills sucks but the point is to look at all that glittery nail polish!

so shinny from afar, even sheena and the rest said that they had kept noticing my nails just now!

and of course, the nail polish itself! i have no idea what brand it is. i'm simply guessing that it's some cheena brand that is cheap. that would make me very happy!

credits: to minhui's nail polish!

imma head to bed now. i shall wake early to run in the morning and then start on my studying before heading to work. i must, i must keep to my plan!

xoxo

my very first exam paper as a uni student is in a few hours time and really, im so numb to being nervous. i wanna breakdown, i wanna cry and whine and give up, but i know i cant. it would be ridiculous, it woulbe definitely be uncalled for. im suppose to be a big girl now, im suppose to be able to understand, manage and get through with everything. and so, as much as i can say that ive studied and prepared for the human biology paper later, i am so not prepared. i cant seem to remember much at all, the terms are too much, the details are never ending. ive had about two months for just this single module, it seems like alot of time but really, i beg to differ. overloaded.

'i don't think i have the answer to everything now.'

music: mariah carey: i want to know what love is

my exam is almost in a week's time and i still can't seem to find the motivation to devote myself entirely to the books. there are so many things going on with myself. the weekend were spent having school, coaching and resting because i was feeling so horribly sick. kinda like tired sick but im better now, apart from coughing.

i promised myself to do well for the last quiz this friday and so, i really am trying my best to focus focus focus. sigh! so much to do but when the motivation isn't in you, to amount of time can be useful.




that aside, i've been feeling so hesistant about letting new people into my life. i'm scared to be honest. i can't decide what the hell is wrong at all. i yearn for all the laughter and cosy time with friends, yes, just friends. i guess i feel the safeness in them as compared to just someone alone now. then again, i miss just lazing around at the beach and dreaming my time away. school kills everything somehow :(

music: avril lavigne: knocking on heaven's door.

this is the story of my life, growing up in my middle teenage years, i was never a troublemaker. i was in fact, a really good student, a really good daughter. i was your paranoid child who did all her homework, who listen and did everything the teacher said. yea, i was a slow learner but i never gave up because i was so afraid of what the future held for me. i never was able to see much, i was always shelter i'd say, always within the boundaries. going to poly was a whole new chapter for me. i opened up, i saw so much more the world could offer. working at beach patrol exposed me too many things as well. suddenly, i realised how much i have to catch up on. suddenly it occured to me, how much i have to grow up and adjust to. i realised that i needed to make decisions in life and decide who i was.

and so i made a bunch of awesome friends who come from all walks of life. some more priviledge than me and some not. but nontheless, i've come to realise that perhaps it isnt about our family backgrounds and where we came from. what's important is that we found each other and that the truth is we are is this life together, fighting to go on and moving on to create a life for ourselves.

to some, family is everything while to others, family is merely somewhere they came from. i look back at my own family sometimes, i compare myself to my friends sometimes. i wish sometimes that my parents were that loving, that doting to my brother and i, and had sent us to every classes available or maybe picked us up from any sport trainings we had. i know they care, i know they love us. they havent kicked us aside, they havent stopped supporting us but i guess that i yearn for some closeness at times. im not making an effort i know, but i guess i dont know how to anymore. i cant relate to my dad anymore. once upon a time i was daddy's girl who loved to stepped on his feet and dance with him to his country music. but all that's in the past now. he's morphed into someone i never thought he would become now.

maybe that's why now i really find it so hard to trust anyone with myself now. after so many failed relationships, faking of close family portrait, ive come to realised that there really is no point in hiding anything now. giving up and pushing aside all the masks i had.

music: britney spears: amnesia

my first module in UWA is almost coming to a closure. just a few more tutorials and the big exam will be nearing soon. the essay assignment is finally done and it almost feels the same as before, when i was trying desperately to complete my fyp reports. a big sigh of relieve though, now that it's over and done with. nevertheless, i still have a whole lot of catching up to do! hopefully some great big miracle can happen and i will be on track by next monday. haha.

on a side note, im starting to realise that school perhaps isnt that horrible after all, considering that im maybe im getting accustomed to it all?



these days, i miss the sun, sand and sea. these days i miss hardcore trainings. these days, i feel darn bloodly unfit and i dont feel good about myself. i ought to get back in the game. i have to because i feel that im lagging for some reason :(

im afraid that i will be left behind sometimes. then again, i may have been walking alone for a very long while. i should be use to this.

i am no where near complicated. i am no where near difficult. i have simplified the way i am and i have axed out all the possibilities of being a horrible lover. so what now?

'cos' these miss you nights are really the longest.'

will i really get through this? i have been through heartbreaks, but will this be the same? will i be able to push it all away this time around once again and move on? i'm suddenly not sure. sigh. what's the point of feeling upset. what's the point of longing when you won't be there no more. you will never understand or feel anything that i am going through. b, im hurting one way or another, in every possible way. i hate the sudden pangs of pain and yearning for you. i hate how i will question myself on what went wrong. i wish you would love me like before. i wish you would know all that i am going through. i wish you would bother to stop and look back. i know you won't because you simply don't care anymore.

i just wanna tell you that i'm sorry

for all the things i've done to make you worry

and all the time i care for you from the bottom of my heart

i will be yours if you'll be mine

i will be there till the end of time

i will be with you until the day that i die

i will be yours

i will be yours

i wish i wish upon a falling star that i'd find peace and contentment with myself soon.

music: mariah carey: obsessed

i like the feeling of doing something i like. i enjoyed myself while at the SI course today. i like how i know i am familiar with what i am learning and how i can understand and relate to what's going on. i like that i know i will actually be having fun and be learning and gaining from this entire course. i left feeling happy and fulfilled somehow.


school has been part time but it seems to be taking up most of my time. i have been procrastinating of late and i haven't had much studying done. i'm worried and stressed out. each time i try to study now, nothing seems to be getting in. it isn't helping that i am still working on the essay assignment while having to be doing so much catching up still.






sometimes, i feel so alone. i wish someone was there to pick me up and get me through. i did all i could, so why is all these happening still.

SI :)

i know i should really be down to catching up on my lectures and readings and all but really, of late, i have been so restless and studying is taking forever. i have had endless thoughts of giving up (though it's just the beginning) and switching to another course, something more 'me'. i cant believe that im giving in to facts and memorising when really im just more artsy fartsy and in a way, more 'go with the flow' and creative person. arrghh! i will not be defeated!! i'm hanging, and hanging....


anyway, since i couldn't sign up for this year's lifesaving teacher course, i finally gave in to signing up for the swimming instructor course, something which my mom has been bugging me to take. i was hesistant intially, because i was so depress with coping with school already but then i thought, why not just go for it! i didn't exactly wanna waste anymore time, what with the rat race of being certified in whatever possible thing in today's world. and besides, it's something that could possibly bring joy to my already sciency world of study. :( the point is, it was my first attempt at SI and i PASSED :) yay! you know i wasn't really expecting to get through at all. i told myself before the skill test that if i were to fail it would be alright because i could always come back and try again. what more, speaking to friends about the SI course, they have told me how 'bias' and difficult it was to get in. i am no star athlete, but just an ordinary person with and ordinary hope of getting into the course and of course i am damn right excited and happy that with just the first try, i got in!! i was pretty stunn at first, because the people i know who have tried many times, did not make it once again. i know i am lucky and with mix emotions at first, now comes relief and happiness. i'm bursting and i can't wait for the course to begin because it is a whole new chapter for me in life.


xoxo

music: the all american rejects: the wind blows

i feel broken. sigh. if you could see me now, would you feel how i feel? no you won't.

music: lady gaga: eh eh

'i wanna be a superstar. all i would have to do then, would be to look pretty all day long and flaunt myself around.'

-me

i miss you, friend.

all i wanted form you was to be a friend. a friend i could trust and depend on. i've changed. it's been years. i am a better friend now. i care, i will be there for you, but why are you breaking the promise you gave to me about being a better friend and regretting all that you did to me in the past? i dont know what else to say really. a lover breaking my heart cuts like hell, but perhaps a friend breaking me feels worst.

music: pussycat dolls: hush hush; hush hush

sometimes once upon a time was meant to be left behind, far away in the past when it would be buried and be kept as merely a memory.

once upon a time we had it all. once upon a time we were happy. what happened to us? time made us grew apart and grow up. does that mean our feelings change? maybe it has for you because i'm pretty sure of where i am.




xoxo

music: beyonce: halo

just 2 days into uni life and already, im finding it hard to digest what i am learning. i knew it was science i was taking. i knew jolly well that back then, i had flunked my 'O' level science. i knew that i had a diploma in sports and leisure management and not sports science. i knew it was going to be a challenge but a part of me told myself that 'hey, this is sports science and somehow, one way or another i do have interest in sports science.' i told myself that it was going to be different kind of learning experience where i would learn and find it awesome to know more about sports science. i guess i knew what was coming, but i knew i wanted to try.

im not saying that im giving up now or whatsoever but im just saying that it really isnt easy for me somehow. everything that i am reading, learning and seeing, it's all new to me. i have never ever known anything of it at all. but im saying that it's worth a try. im saying that i want to try and i want to give it my best shot.

im saying that as much as i feel sad and alone on certain days, i know now that i can force myself to be busy with studying.



xoxo

the part where the end starts.

i'm sorry that i can't help being angry and upset still that it ended the way it did. i'm sorry that i tried so hard to be so perfect but it didn't work out. i'm sorry that you felt you weren't progressing with me; that you weren't able to gain or learn anything from me. i'm sorry that i tear myself to sleep sometimes cos' i couldn't understand why you were never really truly proud of having me and treasuring and apreciating what i've done for you. i'm sorry i tried to accept the fact that i wasn't the top priorities in your life because i knew how much more important the other things in you life were. i'm sorry i invested so much in you and stayed faithful. i'm sorry i morphed into this girl i never knew i was capable to be. i'm sorry for all the endless late nights where i waited in the cold for you. i'm sorry i grew up faster than i felt i should because i felt the need to match you. i'm sorry that i gave myself excuses and reasons to calm myself down when i got paranoid. i'm sorry that you never gave me security. i'm so sorry i got comfortable with having you. i'm so damn sorry i loved you and still do. i'm really sorry i learnt so much and hurt so bloodly much. i apologize for just being me.

music: craig david: rise and fall

i can't believe how time flies really. in a week, i will be an undergraduate of UWA and soon, i will be your typical mugging student all over again. months of playing around will be over and the nasty reality will be hitting me harshly once again. the books, yes the dreadful books! and examinations will be part of my life again. i can't say i'm looking forward to that but i can say that i am looking forward to moving on. a fresh start in a way and a better me, perhaps?

it's been close to a month of having lost you, but hey baby, i guess i'm getting better each day. i have the sudden pangs of sadness and missing you but i'll get through it some how. time heals i believe, but how much i really don't know. life is unfair as we all know. things happen for reasons and we know that all too well. but when will things be perfect? when will things reach satisfactory level and people will truly be happy?

i find myself still so doubtful of myself at times. i hate this feeling of uncertainty in me. at my age, am i not suppose to know what i want and should do? i don't wanna be crashing down once again. i keep saying that i've had enough, i keep telling myself to build that wall around, that wall to protect myself, to ensure no more mistakes but really, how careful can one get? have i really learnt? i thought i did. i thought i grew up. did i not now? sigh.

now perhaps i need time to figure myself out. but there is so much to hold on to. i can't let go and be selfish. i cant't just think only for myself. that's not how i am.

i still miss you in many ways. i still get angry at times. i still find it hard to understand why i wasn't able to be the one for you. i thought i tried, i thought i was worth it. now i guess i thought wrong. things have to go on doesn't it? you have already moved on without me.

and then there's you again, southpark. honestly, i'm letting you in once again. i wanna trust your words but i'm sorry if i am finding it hard. you should know why. i pray that you aren't repeating your mistakes again. i promise you a change in me and i'll show you what i've become. please don't break me like so many have.

sigh really, life and the ups and downs of it all. i've been back to reading lately again and gosh i think i may have chance upon a book that i feel is so close to my heart. 'straight taking' by jane green is an awesome read to any other girl i'd dare say because really, it feels so real, exactly like how a girl would feel and act when dealing love and life. it makes me feel so thankful for my friends really, be it the girls of the guys. no matter how much i may be a bitch at times an perhaps ignore you guys, please understand? please be patient and know that i will come to my senses and be back again? i love all of you, each and everyone of you so differently :) trust me enough to know that i won't be away for long will you now?

jocelynn
hey babe, i never thought that i could know you so much better and believe me when i say i'm so glad to have you now. we'll get through all the rubbish we've been put through and let's believe that in a happily ever after.

jesse
you can pour your heart out to me anytime because i know you will be there to nurse me back to health when i need you.

nicola woman, each time i meet you, my worries go away and i'm having fun :)

the guys at sentosa's beach patrol you've heard this one too many times, but having watched me grow up, i can't help but feel so at home when i'm with all of you. i have my fits of anger and stubborness but please understand that i'm still learning still. the learning process may never stop but be sure that i will learn and will change. however, i'd like you guys to know that though each time you see me and i'm always in my cheery mode,it may not always be the same deep in me. some of you may still me as a kid like when i first joined, but i'm all grown up now and a little respect for my feelings would be nice at times. all i am saying is that i hardly ever show you guys that i am upset but that's because i feel that you guys shouldn't have to see me sad and be affected by that because it isn't your fault at all.

my wonderful team mates our family has grown so much and when i say this team cannot be replaced, i mean it so much. we are so young as a team but we share a bond so special and dear. let's keep this family going strong shall we now? you guys give me faith and a reason to keep striving for the best. don't fail me now and i promise i won't as well.

cass and huihiang you two are so outstanding that i think i should mention you guys specially here. haha. all the nonsense laughter and rubbish we share are moments i won't forget really. more to come i hope!!

chris babe you have been busy but i know you will be back soon!

dawn we need more time together!

saburi ken when is saw you today, i realised how much i've really miss you dear japo boyfriend.

song army boy finally! i don't believe in us drifting apart. i'll be there. trust me :)

samantha halley

sam i love you so much and i know you know that all too well. i'm sorry that i haven't even you a hug and met you up recently but i will soon <3

rachelle and sammuh the last time that i have met and checked, yes indeed, we are all pretty much still the same. haha!

minhui

how can i forgot how you were there for me when i needed someone <3

xoxo