i do think back at times to what i once had. i think of how i was happy with you and what we shared. i think of how now i regret not treasuring you and giving my best. it makes me sad, my heart is heavy. but then i tell myself it all happened for a reason. it turned out this way because something was telling me to pick up my pace and race to the right one. i may just be deceiving myself, i may really just be afraid to face the truth but i hope, and that's what gets me through now.

i wanna have my sunshining rainbow and unicorns day too. i wanna find you.

mermaid.

hey baby girl, i love you more than anything else in the world. you are my bundle of joy and colours of rainbow when i am down and out. stay with me long time ok?

i haven't blogged about my fabulous trip to darwin thinking that if i do so, it would be the final end of it all. stupid as it seems, i find it hard to pen it all down in words. no amount or kind of words can truly describe what i experienced in aussie. i'll get to doing it soon, i hope.

it's annoying how i'm afraid that i might just be falling back to my black hole again. i'm loosing focus, feeling very off track in terms of emotions. just about the only thing that perks me up and makes me feel happy and at ease is training. the other day i was out at sea paddling with some of the guys from team sg. it's been awhile and i still remember the first time i went out of the lagoon. the feeling was exactly the same, carefree. it was that easy to plaster a huge grin on my face. the waves took my worries away and i just didn't think of anything at all. i was in a moment and loving it again and again. we were just paddling, we were just talking and laughing. no thinking and worrying. time stood still and there we were, being captivated by mother nature.

i wish everyday was just like that. being simple and happy. no drama but just the sun, sand and sea. ahhhh...i wish i wish i was easy to read and you would know how i am feeling.

i am annoyed now because i didn't save the photos that team sg took yesterday before restoring my iphone. all gone. arrgghh. every moment is precious to me, you guys are precious. sigh.

is it alright that i feel lonely?

have a little faith.

i let those tears fall, i gave it my all

i fell the hardest, i found how strong i am

close my eyes, rest awhile, it's been a long long day

starry eyed surprise.

just know that you are not in this thing alone.

there's always a place in me that you can call home.

whenever you feel like we're growing apart.

let's just go back back back to the start.

anything that's worth having

sure enough worth fighting for

quitting's out of the question

when it gets tough gotta fight some more.

i fell in love with something so precious, myself.

you don't just wake up one morning feeling happy because of nothing. it's the things that you've gone through that shapes everything to how it is today. it may have taken far too long but i am contented knowing that all this while, i was running as fast as i could to my destination.

i've hit many bumps and bruised myself way too many times in the past but i could make it work now. i am glad and shall not be regretful of what i have gone through and experienced. if you have been nice to me and done me no wrong, always know that i appreciate you. but if you have wronged me and caused me hurt, i still appreciate you for you have made me realize and grew stronger.

i took a leap of faith and held it on my own. by myself, i discovered so much more.

i stretched myself way more and really am more confident and happy than before.

i am blessed that i have been strong enough to not have slipped into depression. i am thankful that with each tear that i've cried, i let go of unwanted hatred and anger. i see things in different perspectives and have so much more hope in me.

i inked 'hope' in hopes holding on to faith and getting me through ugly times. i made it.

i love my friends so much and i can never thank them enough for standing by me. now if i could only capture the attention of that one boy, i'm hoping that i will finally be complete.

i am very happy at where i am now. the past happened for reasons and i appreciate them all now because i ended up being stronger and better. i see so much more now and have learnt to handle things way better than before. i once upon a time gave everything i could, got my heart all screwed up and did stupid foolish things before but it's all good now. i did my part and if they didnt see and feel it, too bad. ive moved along and it really is your lost now. nothing that happened in the past bothers me now. i am looking ahead and never looking back. what lies ahead will be awesome now because i will make sure i make mighty right decisions.

too much of the good stuff isn't all that good at all. i thought i moved on to something better, where i would definitely do better and be as happy or if not happier. it might have been a wrong timing, it may not have been fated at all but it has got me confused. i know how reality usually hits one so hard that you get shaken and doubt yourself. it has hit me one too many times and i still can't get use to the harsh truths in life. i can't help time and time again that i am soft hearted, i give in easily and i care too much about what others think.

it may have been my fault for not being able to draw a clear line, but i've never meant for it to be bad. i'm sorry that i can never stop loving a team i grew up with, sorry that i'll never stop making new friends and build bonds with them. everyone is special in their very own ways and i'll create an everlasting friendship and love with whoever who appreciates it and wants to keep it.

the beauty in lifesaving is that it can be a competitive sport and yet at the same time, it can be a profession, a never ending learning journey where we can help and save lives. i've always respected the sport, being so impress that unlike other sports, the athletes here seemed more friendly and warm. i've never really heard of lifesavers being arrogant and snobby, walking around with an 'air' around them and that is what makes me really proud of the sport too. it really isn't all about winning all the time, but it's the experience learnt and gained.

i may have been affected by your words, but i appreciate your harshness. i shall take it and learn from it. i won't let it get to me now, i'll turn it around and make it positive. i deserved what i worked for. it may have been because of help from others but ultimately, i worked so hard for it on my own too and it was my chance and it was my time.

that medal i got, it was mine. it was what i worked for and no one can take it from me. and yea, i hope it shuts people up too.

it's time i focus and direct my energy and appreciation to those who truly cares and got my back no matter what.

i'll never ever get over darwin.

because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you over again.

a team like this is impossible to find.

i won't ever change my mind.

i guess maybe i wish you didn't even bother calling to wish me well. you didn't even care right from the start, so why bother trying to catch up all at once now. each time i hear from you, i can't help but feel angry some how. i don't wanna care no more, i'm putting all of it behind me. it's gone, over for good because i don't deserve what you put me through and how you treated me. i am not how you perceive me, always behind you and never better. maybe it's time you woke up and try to make things right.

hey mate!

I AM SO EXCITED NOW!!! THE TRAININGS WERE SO PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING AND I NEVER SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REST AND RECOVER. THEN CAME ALONG MY SCHOOL ESSAY ASSIGNMENT IN WHICH I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN GRANTED AN EXTENSION IN THE DATELINE SO I HAD TO FINISH IT BEFORE I FLY TONIGHT. THAT REALLY WAS MENTALLY DRAINING. DAY AND NIGHT, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL TIREDNESS. NOT TO MENTION, I STILL HAD MY COACHINGS GOING ON. I AM STILL HERE NOW, I PULLED THROUGH! I MAY NOT HAVE HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THE ARAFURA GAMES IN DARWIN AUSTRALIA BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BE NOW. I AM HAVING THE JITTERS, I AM NERVOUS, I AM BURSTING WITH HAPPINESS, I AM AFRAID I WILL MISS HOME, I AM PARANOID THAT I WILL FORGET SOMETHING, I AM GRINNING WIDELY AND I AM NOT STOPPING ANYTIME SOON.

WHOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

family; precious.

it's now or never, i am strong enough.

even if no one bothers or agrees, i can give myself a great pat on the back and be very proud of myself. i attended every training and i gave everything. i have overcome my fears and i'm not holding back anymore. i am going the distance, i am over stretching. i am doing everything and much more.

i don't think i have felt so exhausted from trainings before and i have definitely never felt so determined and sure of myself before at all. i am glad i made it, i am glad i stuck through everything.

my mind has been thinking that i have had enough, but my heart has been telling me don't give up. things do get better through whatever. if you fall, dust it off. i am my own miracle.

i dont know if it's the stress or whatever, but i just felt today that i wanted time with you, to me it would seem like you were being there for me, supporting me and showing me that you were proud of me. i was disappointed, i was piss, i was hurt. oh wells. now i just feel bad for being mad at you.

i am so tired. i am so exhausted. i am aching so bad. my muscles are so tight. i have so much work left. i am scared. i have so little time. i have too much on hand. arrrgghhhhhh.....

yea sure, there have been times that i wish i was someone else. many a times i feel insecure and unwanted. but then most of the time, i feel contented and happy with who i am. im not sure if my confidence scare people away sometimes, but i accept the way i am and i do love myself for me.

sometimes, i wish what i wanted would come true or go my way. sometimes i wish i can shake people awake and make them see how i can be wonderful. i hate feeling jealous or insecure. it kills me. it makes me wonder what about me that people dont like. why is it so easy for some while so difficult for me to find the right one.

you know i get lonely sometimes and i really need someone to lean on and hold me. there's only so much of independence and strong in me.

and sometimes, it sucks to see someone you are fond of belong to another.

being a tin man still sounds good to me. hmm.

rahhh excited much !!!

i was an idiot yesterday. i got my coaching dates wrong and travelled all the way to jurong in the afternoon. it was only when i was sitted on the pool bench did i realize it. stupid me, wasted my time totally. i could have used the time to rest more and finish up more work. sigh. i will never make such a stupid mistake ever again. lesson learnt totally.

side note, i thought you guys would now be better some how, like maybe realized that friends share the load sometimes, like help out to do things and plan things even without being asked. guess not. i may just be bitching and whining here but honestly, i just can't stand it sometimes. oh wells, no one said loving was easy. i would do all i can for all of you, but will you guys do the same in return?

music: taylor swift: never grow up

i am blonde no more but a brunette indeed.

i've got so many things to do and so much in mind. assignment, readings, emails to reply, coaching, coaching homework, trainings, birthday to plan, slideshow to do for the team. xxxxx. i'm very tired physically. even when my mind says i can, my body is too tired. i need to get so much done. sighh!!

'oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

just stay this little

oh darling don't you ever grow up

don't you ever grow up

it can stay this simple

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

could still be little

oh i don't wanna grow up

wish i'd never grown up

it could still be simple'

i am physically very exhausted. really. my muscles are too tight and too achy. just when i think i can catch a break and rest my body, i am at it again, training and training. it isn't stopping at all. i hope it'll pay off. i want to give it all i can, i want to reach beyond my peak. hang in there dear me, i can do it.

my friend, the soldier i salute.

hey jonathan,

thanks for inviting me to your social night. i got to admit, i was pleasantly surprised that you had asked me but nonetheless, i am delighted that you did.

i hadn't known what to expect, i was nervous that it'd be weird and awkward, that i wouldn't be dressed right nor would i be behaving and acting right. i obviously wanted to be at my best for you as this really was a well deserved occasion for your celebration and it should be perfect.

well, turns out, i was worrying too much and there really wasn't a need to be that nervous because your fellow officer cadets were such gentlemen and easy to mingle with. Now of course, most importantly, you were a charming partner the whole night through. you kept me company all the time and ensured i wasn't bored at all. as excited as i was to see you in your number 2 uniform that evening, you'd be happy to hear that i was as excited to hear all about your army life. you painted a whole new clearer picture for me to realize what you have been going through in camp and as such, i've really come to understand, appreciate and respect you so much more for everything that you have gone through and will still be going through, just for the country.

hey jon,

i may not have known you for long at all, may not have been your closest or bestest friend but thinking back, i guess i've seen you grown alot, from your boyish poly days to where you are at now. it's a whole lot of a difference really. they say that you guys become real men after you enter army, i agree with that. i saw a really smart looking soldier that evening, he was looking stunningly handsome in his uniform and immediately thoughts ran through my mind telling me how this solider has to have many good and positive qualities in him. my thoughts were right exactly. i thought back to how i've known you then and now and i saw the man in you now.

now, not that you were a rascal back then but you know what i mean. actually, you have always been a really nice and good guy in my eyes, always thoughtful about what others might feel and never failing to respect people. but right now, after what i have seen for myself, you are like way up a whole new level. very impressive indeed.

all those facebook statuses that you had posted pieced together and made sense after what you shared with me last night. i can see why you guys can hate army life so much but yet feel so proud of yourself after it all.

i truly am amazed by you, jon. i've never known you to be so determined and outstanding in what you set your mind to but now i know. right now, the BP gang all knows because you blew me away so much that whole evening that i had no choice but to sprout praises non stop of you to them. haha.

hey you,

if you read this, please don't be shocked at how i dedicated this blog post just for you. it's very like me to be expressive this way so my dear friend, be very delighted that this is for you. lol.

dear jonathan,

you gave me a chance to see what you have gone through and even gave me a perfect evening for me to remember. thank you and always know that i am so proud of you :)

i'm feeling unappreciated, not of importance at all. so we made it this far, so why won't they recognize us? why won't they treat us all as equal and give us their full support and cheers? i am doing good, i started fair and square, i made it so far like everyone else, so why won't they be fair to us?

i know i am not alone in this, but i wish someone was here to make me feel alright. sigh.

full day coaching.

xxxXx.

every morning i wake and limp down the stairs because my ankle hurts so bad i cant put weight on it right away. sigh. but i'll remember this injury for life. it was part and parcel of the process.

you'd be too good for me. you'd be everything i wanted and needed.

i need to stop letting this mind of mine drift along. i wish it'd be easier.

i have to realize that this is goodbye.

jin, you have to be on track. you cannot side track at all. it's a tight schedule and you don't have time for distractions.

-very important note to self.

i've got school work that i have to get done.

i have events to attend.

i have trainings to go to consistently.

i have coaching sessions.

i have to work to save up for my big darwin competition.

i cannot afford to fall sick at all, i just cannot.

i'm gonna get well starting now and go live my life.

so when will it be me; it's hard to leave the ground with these broken wings.

i'd like to take back all that's happened and close the doors again. i'd like to be stone cold and have my wall around me again. i'm good alone and that's that.

music: colbie caillat: fallin' for you

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you

I'm fallin' for you

i wanna stop this because it's an annoying fuzzy feeling and i dont wanna let it distract me. so if there's a sign, let me know. if there isn't, let it stop now.

music: colbie caillat: i do

i've been feeling happy.

i wanna skip along to happy songs and smile all day long.

it's my birthday again.

and then i turned 22 this year. quiet unlike the previous year, though i wished there were endless celebrations and everything was fun and loud. im your girl next door dramaqueen, i love the limelight so yea.

but its been good by far. the important people in my life and the simpleness of the get together for my birthday :)

i've still been receiving awesome presents still, so there really is no down side to anything in comparison to past years. great friends and family = great useful gifts that have always been on my 'want and need' list. haha, loving it all!

but you know what's the ultimate gift by far? being a part of team singapore! i guess i've had my doubts and have had expected greater reactions from my parents upon hearing my good news, but i think i've cleared it all away and i really am just contented to have gave it my all and got in. my dream come through really. my life feels on track now. perhaps given more time, my parents will be more expressive to me and show me that they've really got my back and are proud of my achievement. because this is really important to me, because this has always been what i wanted.

i am happy turning 22. it's going to be good, because i'll make it awesome :)

music: david guetta feat rihanna: who's that chick

patience, endless supply of hope and alot of emotional ups and downs. i've got a D finally! i didnt let dr low down, i didnt let my parents money down, i didnt let my hardwork go to waste and i didnt let myself down! it was like double the pressure to anticipate this module's result. i was a nervous wreck, delaying the check as i was too afraid. and then i got too eager to check and attempted to do so on my iphone but to no avail. it was like the longest train, bus and walk home. so when i finally saw the result, i was first relief that i cleared it. and then i got really excited and started bouncing and dancing around the house announcing my achievement. i patted mermaid, my mom hugged me and i said 'woohoo!' way too many many times. haha. see how easily contented i am?

and im really excited to know the final selection results for arafura games this saturday!!!

my life is picking up and im feeling good too. i'm growing up for good i hope. making a change isnt easy but its been good :)

hmm.

i am counting down to the hours of yet another exam. i am sleep deprived, badly.

never knew i could hurt like this

and everyday life goes on

i wish i could talk to you for awhile

miss you but i try not to cry

as time goes by

still i'd give the world to see your face

and be right here next to you

but it's like you're gone too soon

now the hardest thing to do

is say bye

you never got a chance to see how good i've done

and you never got to see me back at number one

i wish that you were here to celebrate together

i wish that we could spend the holidays together

it' so hard to accept that you are gone forever

sometimes it's ok to fall back and remember memories.

it's only normal.

but right now, i don't really wanna remember the sweet and bitter moments.

it's still so hurtful.

i'd rather become the tin man with no heart.

i'd rather be the emo kid who sits at the corner and speaks to no one.

i'm tired of being happy when it's only for the moment.

tired of working so hard when i dont know where it'd go in the end.

give me a break from being all perky and jumpy.

i miss a part of myself.

i've finally had enough.

i am about to close the doors to another chapter and embak on a brand new one. this one's gonna be though but i'm gonna make the best of it to pull through. i dont wanna need anybody by me no more.


but tonight i'm loving me.

i'll make a promise to myself today.


no matter how much i have screwed up, i will learn and be better for i am not perfect and it'll never be too late to change if i want to.
no matter how much people may judge and be unkind, i will brave it all and be alright for life is too short to worry way too much about everything and it really is hard to please everyone all the time.



i will lead my life as best as i can and as true as it will be.
i'm starting with the man in the mirror and i'm asking him to change his ways. i'll do just that.

i held it in for so long, so why did i break down now again.
i cried hard, i cried so hard.

the way you act towards me now it amazes me really. it's as if nothing ever happened between us at all. it's like you were never a major bastard to me. i deserve more than a sorry. you will never mend the pieces back. it'll always be broken. then again, you'll never find the courage at all to look me in the eyes and apologize. you will always pretend that were are ok and we are friends. i really dont know how you get by life being this way but yea if you are cool with it, i'll do my best to not are. you have no idea how disgusting you really are and how many people you have hurt. you'll never be an angel, not at all. with all the sins i have made, you are way worst of them me. at least i tried to give you all that i could, i was sincere. as for you, it was always all words. if the world knew what you have done to me, they would be on my side without a doubt.

i am that bitter about you and maybe i wish you knew. i really hate you now. go on and flirt, go on and continue to lie. i wont fall for it or give in anymore.

this is you, k.

i occasinally look through my past blog posts and do you even realise how many heartaching/breaking posts ive left about you? no you wont ever know because (1) you dont care, (2) i am nothing to you, (3) you are so selfish, (4) you used me and the lists continues.


since you can toss our history aside so easily, i will do the same. ill be great this time around.

i'll be fine now.

i took many steps forward and i dont wanna look back. dear me, please dont let yourself down again. you are doing good, you will be fine now.



side note, i sprained my right ankle again and ive finally agreed to my mom to see the chinese sinseh tomorrow. i am mad scare ok. i just hope i dont die screaming.


ohh, and i deserve a pat on my back because i completed the 100m rescue medley event today! i have officially move pass my fear. yayy! so my trainings havent gone to waste at all.



note to self: study hardcore for exam.

it's stupid how i still think of you after what you have done. do you bother? no, not at all. you are unscratched. i took all the pain till today, you simply walked away.

i've been trying to divert my focus to school, coaching and the trials so much. i try to get away as much as i can. i'd like to say i am ok but i know i never will be.

i bruise so easily these days.

one day im gonna be able to tell someone that 'my heaven's with you'.

i realise now, that it wasn't love. it was convenience. you are as cruel as can be and as wicked as ever. you dont't care for me, you care only for yourself. i hope one day you will realise this harsh truth and regret terribly for what you have done to me.

moving on, i am doing my very best. please.

i am being blown away by jessie j's vocals.

music: taylor swift: last kiss

"i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe"

having just watched black swan, it made me think about what's to happen now to myself. yea sure, i can hurt forever and sit in this black hole of mine forever. but then who's gonna wanna pity me? being pathetic doesnt mean you'll come back. it doesnt mean that i win and that everyone's got my back. i can think of giving up, i can think of letting everything i have go but no one is really gonna care.

i have been crying way too much and being sore for way too long. i need to get back on track now. i was tired of hurting but i'm getting tired of mopping around too. what's the point? nothing is happening. my life is stagnant.

so here i am again, telling myself to clean up. i may have fallen way too many times but i tattooed hope for a reason and my permenant script on my ankle means too much to me to give myself up.

i have a choice to give up or take control and i want the latter. i wont die trying but i'll just keep my head up and do my best. i suddenly remember why i should be stronger than before. if so much pain has been inflicted on me before and i am still here today, it's gotta mean so much more about myself don't it.

so what if i'll never know how to be something you miss. so what if i'll always be wondering how we could have been happy. so what if i cried too much and loved you forever. you'll never know, look back or appreciate me.

i am way better, i have to always remember that.

i'll hold on to memories, i'll wait as long as i possibly can. but right now i will work on myself.

"and i hope the sun shines and its a beautiful day

and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed"

i said screw you valentine's day.

but my awesome friends have been by me all this while. they have been helping to heal me and make me feel better.


from cassandra:
ok here jin. must be touched ok because its so gross and it doesnt rhyme but who cares. HAHAHAH.

so dont you worry your golden little horsetail
people throw rocks at things that shine (your braces)
but the jury's out, my choice is you
...this friendship is ours.

'cause I love the way your eyes become like lines
and how you always make my day
so dont you care about what people say
they don't see you like I dooooooo ~~



from dawn: she surprised me! called me very unexpectedly and told me to go downstairs. bff had picked me up a stalk of rose and drove to my place before heading home just to make me cheer up and feel better!



how can i not feel better when i have them all :)

maybe when i think i've come around and have recovered, then i'll post it all up.

you made me love you over and over again and again and then you break me all the time.

pls tell jin zhuang tat i miss and love and adore her very much

also let her know kenny wans commitment and wans nobody nobody but her.

just let her know i love her.

and this time,its for real and for good.

U never understand the true meaning of losing someone u love until u can love someone more than u love urself.

I dun wanna lose u Jin.

I ensure there's no more heart ache or heart break.I'll make u feel like u r the only girl in my world.hugs.it'll all be smooth sailing.I'm ready to give us a status

Baby I wan ice cream too!haha.let's go tau huay n icecream n durian when I'm home.haha.evil u.now lips abit swollen.haha.

Jin,u think we'll ever work out?I wanna make this last.really do.no second thoughts about this.

she gave him all she had left,

Even risked being broken again

The truth was all that she wanted,

But that was just a price too high for him to pay.

Don’t tell her you’re sorry,

You know as well as she does, that you aren’t.

Don’t tell her you love her,

Because you don't destroy the people you love

How does it make you feel,

To know you’re the one breaking her heart?

maybe you could hear me out again, hold me and then tell me it'll be alright.

if this hurt dont stop soon i will die. if the tears wont stop soon i will drown. im running out of masks to put on, i am running out of time, my pain is catching up and im losing it.

music: pink: fucking perfect.

ive had a weekend more or less to myself. i actually was alright being alone. surprising considering that ive always been the one to not sit around and not do anything or go anywhere. but i was contented to slack away in the comfort of home, watching episodes of modern family and hiding under the sheets.

ive had time to think about myself. ive had time to confuse myself and mess my brain rather.

i need to find myself. i need someone to tell me i am fucking perfect.

i am everything i am beause you love me mom and dad.

i'd like to believe that i am doing something so different from what my genes tell me that i am made for. i'd like to believe that i dont want to settle for normal but to push the limits and always be better.

but it's so so hard. i am at my wits end. i am so scared that i'll never get anywhere. i am afraid to let go and tell anyone. i am unwilling to give up but this burden is too heavy.



i am sinking.

again and again. why, i really dont understand. help please, help now.

sucking it up and doing my best to focus on this week's papers first. sigh.

muscles and bones, i need you to help me.

i need to focus focus focus. i promise myself i will. turning in now, waking early tomorrow and starting right. need to be discipline. now.

i remember when my grandmother told me that i shouldnt play around and make noise in the kitchen because the kitchen god wouldnt be happy and he would report bad things about me to the upstairs people. i remember how she would fry niangao with eggs and i would love eating it non-stop. she would then tell me how we need to cook and eat niangao every year because we need to sweeten the kitchen's god mouth so that he would say nice things about us to the upstairs people.


haha. i miss you popo.

no point, no direction, no nothing.

i have no place in my own home to roam freely around and do my work and study because everywhere is occupied.

i have no rights to want to clarify my doubts because you are so good at just running away.

i have no one that i can pour out my sorrows to, i am hurting so much.

i had a dream about my lecturer, dr low. it was regarding desperately needing extra lessons from him one on one.

this sure is a huge sign for me to study big time already.

music: cheryl cole: parachute

hi, did i mentioned that you make me happy dear friend? it's the little things, it's when we do nothing in particular at all. the same feeling of familarity, the security that you give me. i know you'll never walk out on me, leave me alone and neglect me. i know you'll be there when ever and where ever. i trust myself with you.so annoying, so tiring but we'll get put of this phase in life somehow. we'll be better if we try.

the present's just a pleasant.

let me take this moment to be selfish, to be upset and let everything to be about just myself. the hurt has become a norm, a constant wave now and then and i cannot avoid it. i can only sail along and take what decides to come.

maybe you were the one who walked out, the one whom i thought would stay but didnt. maybe i was always the one to stay, right here waiting. maybe i just wanna cry my eyes out in front of you, just so you can see the hurt i've been bearing.

moments like this, reminds me that i am human. moments like this make me helplessly lost.

hurt, i am trying. hurt, i am putting on my mask now.

'the first star you see may not be a star, i'm not your star.'

sam and shannon's solemnisation.

congratulations you both, be blessed and happy a long time.the witnesses (lucas and i) with the married couple. (myself, saburi ken and samantha halley!)

this reminds me of old poly times, we'll always be kids at heart.

it being my first time at a marriage solemnisation and being sam's witness, i didnt know what to expect at all. but now i know. the feeling of excitment and nervousness, the feeling of happiness waiting to burst out. i wasnt the one saying my vows, i was just the witness at the side lines but nontheless i could feel the tears building up and it was a sudden flash back about how we have all grown up and moved along so quickly in life. it made me wonder if i would ever get married. it made me wonder if i would even find the right person. it made me so uncertain with my life. i was delighted for the both of them, but still, i couldnt help feeling envious on how they found each other. thank you my dears, for the invitation and allowing me to witness this whole moment.

a meeeeeee liiiii aaaaaaaaaaaaa .

too good to be true, i should have known..

i miss you; s.

music: leona lewis: happy

and here goes, my days are quite aimless. i wanted to start 2011 with a bang, with a direction and a positive smile each day. but i realise there are so many things that are still so blurry and i need answers to go on. i'll take each day at a time. i may be miserable as can be now, but im doing my best not to give up. it really is heavy and difficult but i cant die in my sleep now so yea.

a new year, a fresh week and the start of school again today. also, sam and shannon got married. ROM and i had the honour of being sam's witness :) i couldnt help feeling so joyfully happy, but a tingle of sadness was present in me nontheless as i feel the sense of dejection and thinking of this day for me might just never come through. pathetic as it sounds, but yes i felt that way. side note, congrats sam and shannon, be blessed and happy. love ya'll.

the only thing that make me feel that tab better better about myself today was lecture. dr low and his classes, awesome. and as pathetic as it can get yet again, the fact that he talked to me and mentioned how he loved the way i dressed today, really perked me that much more and made me feel happy. yea i know, im that sad. im very determine to sink into my school books and sink in my misery. oh wells.

i'm trying to perk myself with nice happy songs like i always do, but doesnt seem to be working. i can feel that bag of rocks on my back, i feel locked up still.

it hurts to wake up because the stabbing pain lingers and my mind cant help but wonders off. i am alone. i dont wanna wake because all i see are happy people around and i cant bear to face all that. i am miserable.

because i dont care who reads my blog. i dont care really who wants to bother about me. i dont care how anyone would think i am complicated or think too much.


maybe all i am saying is that i cannot pretend to be alright anymore. i hate everything else now. everything.

happy 2011, to me.

new year's eve, i stood alone at the beach watching the fireworks. no one was there for me to hug and scream and be happy. no one called nor texted. i started to cry as the colours were bursting right up in front above me. it wasn't because i was happy. i was miserable. i realise how alone i really was. i realise that what's the point of working so hard to keep it all together? i ended up alone anyways. the feeling of emptiness really ate me up good.

honestly, i was hoping for a better start to the new year. i was so determined. but not anymore. i am hurting so much inside. i dont feel motivated nor do i feel the need or want to try now. each step i take now feels really meaningless. i dont know what i am living for right now.

i am moodless and i feel the tears welling up every moment. dont bother to understand me. it will stab you.