open water championships 2010.

it's been a good sporting year, at least for me. the upexpected happened and i cant complain because i was loving every moment of it all. i guess it's always true when they say just have fun. i did and i really enjoyed everything, from the competition to the friends around. im no new face already and maybe some people are just plain bored of seeing the same old faces but i have no intentions or whatsoever to stop anytime soon. the love i have built for lifesaving is beyond words can describe. now that my years of hard work is starting to pay off, it simply is just pushing me forward for more. photos!!!

i was delighted to join team sta this year. a blessing in disguise. it really wasnt an easy start, i found it difficult to adjust because i was home sick to team rp. but i adapted and settled. i knew it was for the better and it paid off just right the way i forsee it to be. either way, i must say that i am happy with my performace and with the move i decided to make this year. no regrets. my true friends and always will be team mates understood and supported me all the way and i saw and felt it myself. what more can i ask for when i have friends who just wants the best for me.

cos when a heart breaks, no we don't break even.

'what am i suppose to do when the best part of me was always you

what am i suppose to do when i'm all chocked up and you're ok

i'm falling to pieces, i'm falling to pieces'

my heart is heavy.

tell me i am amazing, i've lost faith.

goodbye now mrs lky.

with the passing of mrs lee kuan yew, it scares me to think about the future of singapore without mm lee. i was never a fan of politics nor did i really care much for such issues, but i cant help it when something so huge happens. it affects me very much, and suddenly all the lost time for not bothering hits me hard and deep. it makes me ponder on and on close to my heart and mind. everything just acts up, the thinking, the feelings, swells up instantly and i find myself drowning myself in the news and updates. it makes me appreciate so much what i have around me, where i have come to with my own efforts.

i am afraid to know what will come when mm lee passes. it is a matter of time i know but i would never wish for that day to happen. when one reaches a comfort zone, we just wanna stay there for as long as we possibly can. but now is the time to act again because the comfort zone seems blurry again. i mean singapore can be so vulnerable just like that. we are so small and with today's people getting smarter than the last, we cant exactly predict and expect everything to go according to as plan anymore. what if something bad happens and we are back and ground zero? mm lee being that important figure that holds and binds everything together means everything to us but perhaps there are others who dont see and understand. we cant expect everyone to think alike and be alike. whats gonna happen when hes gone? he who has started and created legendary history to singapore, our father. whats gonna happen? i dont wanna think because it scares me. i dont know why but it does. we are in good hands really. with the current leaders, whats there to be afraid and worry but its like a family tree in like a huge perspective. when the dad is gone, the others strive to go on in harmony but somehow we go wrong and drift. i dont know why but there will always be that wise figure in the family that means everything and once he is gone everything just seems to split up.

they say that as a couple, when one goes the other usually doesnt stay for long as well. i hope for it to not be true now.

with all these grief going around, i cannot help but drown in it as well. i miss my dad who's away covering the story that pm lee was suppose to be in. how many times i wish for us to be close. i do. i envy families who are close knitted. i wish it was easier to tell mom and dad about everything under the sun about my life. i wish they saw my achievements in lifesaving. i wish they saw me compete. i wish they saw and knew how long i have trained and yearn for where i am today. i wish they tell me they love me and that there are proud of me. i mean i know they do but i just wish for real verbal affection from them. it makes me happy with each meal that we have together but i get so shy and harsh with what i say to them. i want to, i want to turn back time and dance with you on your feet, where you make me tea and toast with marite and butter, where you picked my clothes for me every saturday and then we would head to your guitar class before meeting mom for lunch and then hanging out at your office while you did work and i played around. i know you show me you care by always giving in to what i need and want but i wish for more than material things. i wish you were here dad. i miss you and i am proud of you. in so many ways i take after you more than mom. i love you.

farewell mrs lee kuan yew, i never knew you but even so i already feel like i can understand and see what you have done for singapore and for your beloved family. a role model indeed, i would wanna take after your footsteps as a mother and wife when it is my turn.

Lately, he said, he had been looking at Christian marriage vows and was drawn to the words: “To love, to hold and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse till death do us part.”

“I told her, ‘I would try and keep you company for as long as I can.’ That’s life. She understood.” But he also said: “I’m not sure who’s going first, whether she or me.”

music: katy perry: teenage dream

"now every febuary, you be my valentine

lets go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love"

please tell me i'll be alright. please tell me i am strong. please tell me that it'll all be better.

i wanna have a new nose because mine sucks big time. i hate having sinus, i hate free flow leaking nose, i hate block nose, i hate feeling under the weather, i hate feeling body aches, i hate having a bad throat, i just hate being sick. bummer bummer!!!



my life sucks my life sucks.



i started work yesterday. it was a hectic first day but time flew by quickly. it was horrible because i was sick. and i thought i would be able to stay in the office with jocelynn but shit no, i was dragged out by boss the whole day. xxxxxxxxxx. and then and then, i had coaching today. being sick is no joke man! the pool water was so freakingggg colddd. but it felt good swimming and then having to feel tired and being able to nap. i took medicine finally and it helped but im still feeling quite stoned. sighhhhh....tomorrow is work without jocelynn. i scareddddd. haha. im gonna start speaking like a japnese soon man.



i have to studyyyyy and i have to trainnnnn. fml fml fml.

music: snow patrol: you could be happy

because i really want to be happy.

please.

music: eminem featuring rihanna: love the way you lie

"just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie"

there are things in life where you only get one chance. you screw up, you pay the price and lose it. there are things in life where you may crave for so much but never get it, you can only watch and feel lost but life isn't ever gonna be fair to you. no one said that life was one where you could sail smoothly through. you want it, you work for it. you make mistakes, you get the hell back up and learn from it. but then what happens when one was never given a chance to learn? life as unfair as it will always be, murders you just like that. physically you may die from bleeding too much but what about mentally and emotionally? can it really heal? the scars haunt you a life time. it never goes away. no amount of words will ever relate how the emotions hurts. really. everyone would have felt this kind of piercing pain before. it stabs you right there where it hurts most over and over again. you can't remove it just like that. people say time heals but time is a long process and when it really does heal, the scar is there. it can be broken open all again and again. it never heals. you put it aside and it still comes back up to haunt you. we live in regrets.

my illusion, my mistake.

"tell them all i know now

shout it from the root top

write it on the skyline

all we had is gone now

tell them i was happy

and my heart is broken

all my scars are open

tell them what i hope would be impossible"

it was a cold wet rainy day and i left myself feeling horrible with my own screw ups. i cant figure out what was wrong or what went wrong. i can only hope for better chances soon.

but these scars will always be lessons learnt and pain worth feeling.

tomorrow; hours away i mean.

i gotta admit, i am getting the jitters now. the pressure is building. i need to focus, i need to maintain and be better.

battle cry, promise you that i am certified.

the week's break is almost over. nationals on sunday and i've got muscles aching like hell. school, dear biomechanics, please be nice to me.

hope, a word by itself, so simple but yet brings endless and powerful meanings.

hope is what i need now with each passing day.

i cant explain this feeling.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

there's so much that i want to express but my fragile heart cannot relate in words. if i could, i would turn back time and start all over again. if i knew what was to come, i would make it right, right from the start. if i knew that human beings could fuck themselves up so bad, i would train myself to be stronger than i am now. if i knew that one could ever feel such emotional pain, a pain worst than a cut, a physical injury with blood spilling and broken bones, i would seal my heart with just myself and you. i would not wanna weather the bad storms. i would want to have a happily ever after like in fairytales.

but because i am only human and like all others, i make mistakes after mistakes, regrets after regrets. i think that ive grown and learnt so much more but then i am back at ground zero where i realize that itll never ever be enough.

i have a heart so bruised because of what i did to myself. no ones to be blamed but only myself. ive never known such stupidity that i could cause to myself but now i see. i cant tell you how much i hate myself, how much i wish i could just die silently of the pain in me. its hard and for the amount of time that i havent given up at all, i really should be proud of where i have come but im getting tired and really, right now i just wanna lay down forever.

once again, i am feeling more alone than ever. yea i have awesome friends but my dears, theres only so much that all of you can do and i know ill appreciate it all. theres so much that i can remember, and i just wanna rest now.

"with my guard all down and my heart out in the open, i feel empty and naked. this heart of mine will always be broken."

tell them i was happy.

'can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

i could really use a wish right now'

remember we used to touch the sky.

i guess it felt good to have sort of let it all out. i cant believe it happened but it did and now that its all out and everyone knows where i am coming from, i feel honest, like a clean sheet of paper and am ready to fill it all up again. i appreciate that you guys sat by me and listen while i pathetically sobbed away and tried to relate what i felt deep down. it feels great knowing that my trust in the team never failed me and im certain now that it wont ever. thanks for the encouragement and reassurance. im here always.


it's gonna be a long long night and im hanging hanging...............

when my bottle pop.

i wanna wanna be better. im reciting to myself over and over again that i gotta take baby steps and not expect to leap so far so fast.

on another note, i did fairly well for psyc1101's assignment and im pretty relieve and happy to be honest. it's like finally im doing something right in uni. sigh. but i cant be contented at all. exam's next wednesday's and im getting scared. i should be used to this right? no, it's quite nerve wrecking to go through this every two months.

going on course tmr and i ought to be heading to bed already but im hanging in there to finish up.

sigh.

i need this so bad.

im not so sure anymore. i thought hard and long to come to this decision i made. i took the offer, i took the chance. i was delighted, it felt like a leap of faith. i knew i was moving on to greater heights. i know it's for the better if i wanted something more, to improve and be better.

it's hard now that i made the change. i layed down the differences, what to expect and what not, what were the possbilities and what wouldn't be. i prepared myself metally, but honestly now that i am here, i'm taken aback, i really never thought it would be so hard. i thought i was ready, i thought whatever comes, i would be able to handle it step by step. but it's only been a few sessions and i am at ground zero, feeling all too demoralised. it wasn't like they have been pushing me hard or stressing me out. it's got nothing to do with them. it's me. i'm stressing, i'm thinking and i'm getting upset and feeling very lost all too suddenly.

i'm not feeling the bond like i once had. i miss how it always felt, homesick maybe but i know i made the choice and i cannot look back now. it isn't fair, not just to me but to everyone else. i dont wanna give up. i know i was holding back yesterday. but why? i really wonder. am i intimidated? am i unhappy? or perhaps i'm just bad. i know i'm lagging behind but i never knew it would really be so tough. really, honestly, i know i'm not at my fittest nor have i been having ample training but i'm pretty shattered and i can't figure out why.

if i don't overcome myself and figure out why i'm feeling the way i am feeling, i'm just gonna keep holding back myself and i won't ever know my true capabilities. i don't want that, not after what i have build for myself and come to. i don't wanna pull myself down nor the team. i need to get up and get out. i need to start drilling it in me that this really is the right choice. moving on was never easy and i'm willing to try and learn. it's for the better and i know it. sigh.

music: shakira: waka waka (this time for africa)

i need a break, i want a break. all this non-stop studying is really tiring and wearing me out. i wanna bask in glory and never have to wake to realize that life isnt such a fairytale where im spoom fed every damn thing. sigh.

holiday, nowwwww.

i just wanna not know a thing and be happy. i just wanna know that everything is for a reason. i just wanna know that im headed somewhere. i just wanna know that there'll be a time when there's mine and to shine. i just wanna know that people who mean so much to me will never give up on me. i just wanna know that if i get down i can still get up. i just wanna know that i can let go and be out of my misery. i just wanna know that i can always feel my emotions to a sad or happy song.

dear dawn.

dear dawn,
i know alot had gone on in your life and i can only hope for the better for you. many a times, i really feel so helpless, so lost because i cant seem to do anything much for you at all. i wanna know how you are coping but im afraid to seem like im not giving you your space as well. so here i have been, silent most of the time because i really dont know whats the best i can do to make it all better. i know it isnt easy, and no amount of time can perhaps heal what has happened. but my girl, you know you will pull through and this will just make you a much stronger person. your life will probably have changes now, but either way, its just the beginning of whats ahead. hang in there and always always know that everyone of your friends are always here for you. i know that i dont show much but i will always be here as well. just a call away, a road away, a text away and what not. i miss you, i do. i wanna see you happy again.


xoxo

many a times i wish my life was like one of the rich and famous people. well mainly i wish for a carefree life. i wish i was an easier person, one who has simple goals and i wasnt too ambitious. maybe then i wouldnt have so many thoughts and worries.

i am contented at where i am today, no doubt about it but it's been awhile now and i still feel unsettled. it's like everything's here but i cant seem to figure out still where and what belongs around me. it's like im still disoriented, im in need for an oragnization project of some sort.

and then i finally got my first ever gold medal. a dream come true, something in which i always thought was just a mere dream, something i always thought was unreachable. but it came through. too shocked for words, i dont know to what degree of happiness i am in. i know i worked for it and it know it took years of practice in order for the achievement. i know people out there have seen where i came from and they sincerely am happy congratulating me on my winning but when it all died down, i looked back and i tell myself that a gold medal with that timing that i did was not acceptable because honestly, i know i an perform better than that. the drive is there to push on, i hope i really hope that i can do it for nationals and then maybe i would then just have the chance to move in to something bigger.

but for now, i have an assignment due soon and a whole lot of readings to do. sigh.

"Babe.

All the experiences from the best ones to the suckiest ones brings you somewhere in life. You may not know how right now but someday you're gonna look back and be glad you made the decisions you make and felt the way you feel. You know very well that life's a bitch and we just gotta roll with the punches. You don't have to hide your emotions. If you're upset, be upset and if you're angry, be angry. Cos trust me babe, it'll go away someday sooner or later.

You're already 21 and you have so much to live for. Screw heartbreaks and boys and girls. Have fun. You have the awesomest friends around you. I read your blog. Every person left a footprint in your life one way or another. IF it fades, it fades. You have a million more footprints to cherish.

Loves many many.

Paris. (im never letting this name go)"

you make it hard to see.

i ought to be the next happiest person on earth because my exam was just over yesterday. i should be grinning from ear to ear and doing every other thing that i had supposingly planned out while desperately mugging for my paper. but no, i was tired out, i had a headache, i just wanted to go home and snuggle in bed with myself.

i think i saw you there and then and i started to realise that i have been avoiding these feelings and emotions all along. it was because i never thought i had to see you again and i thought i moved on. i dont know why i am feeling this way but n i wished we dont have to avoid each other. it hurts and i know it shouldnt. i remember how we ended, i remember how i was and it isnt something that i am proud of and want to hold on to. i grew up in the years that went by but i guess you lingered at the back of my mind. im afraid i still feel too much.

the people that had actually left footprints all over my life are perhaps the people who have created impacts big enough for me to spare them some brain cells and talk about them here. so many stupid mistakes i made and so many regrets that i wished i could take back and undo. i grew up, i know better than anyone else and it's really time i show it.

i want time alone today. im looking forward to spending time to my favourite friend now.

mi ish lub u deep deep mani mani nong nong time.

the all too familar feeling of muscle aches and soreness, bruises that appear unconciously and the dehydration that makes me wanna drink up non stop.

this is pure pleasure.

me plus you.

mermaid my baby girl, you have no idea how much i love you. since the day i set my eyes on you, i knew you were gonna be coming home with me no matter what. you've grown so much since four years ago but each time i look at you, you still remind me of when i first brought you home, the small little furball who hid behind my legs and never made a sound. i'll remember always how you were so afraid the first few nights and i had to sleep by you. oh baby girl, you make me feel so happy and you have no idea how you do that.

'your world is my world,

my fight is your fight

my breath is your breath'

music: justin bieber: baby

what i want is simple, the most basic that anyone could give really. but while trying to get that, the process won't be easy. for there will be so many obstacles.

when i put too much thought into anything, the process of life can get too complicated.

so maybe i'll just enjoy while i can and perhaps then i won't know what hurt is anymore.

swinging me right round.

i want to blog about nothing in particular really. i'm just happy.

i'm happy as can be, almost like when mermaid sense my presence when i get home and she wags her tail excitedly at me.

i'm happy as can be, so much that i can smile and sing along to every cheery song.

i'm so happy as can be that if i could, i would run and jump down the highest waterfall.

maybe i just wanna say 'baby baby baby' right in your face.

laa dee dumm dumm.

i have so much to say but no time on my hands. we'll do so soon though but for now i shall bask in the sun and dig my toes in the sand while remembering not to pig out so much and of course i have to hit the school books again.

lovelove!

'everything, everything is still a blur.'

' can't remember what i did last night

maybe i shouldn't have given in but i just couldn't fight

hope i didn't done what i think i might

everything, everything is still a blur'

at where i am now and at the rate i am coping with school, i'll never get by. this is the real harsh truth and i need to deal with it because this is for real and if i were to continue with what has always been, i'll be getting no where in life.

universty life is sucking me dry one way or another. this is a serious wake up call to get in the game already. the stresses are settling in day by day. there is no easy way, there is no other way. i can cry as much as i want at breaking point or for failed modules but nothing's gonna stop for me. it's a fast game. it's something that i've never really had to experience really. as much as i know i am at a disadvantage and am lacking, it shouldn't and cannot be an excuse at all. no way, no one will hear of it. i may have lecturers, friends, family and a world of information that i can turn to, but at the end of the day, i am in this degree alone and i will play alone.

no, i will not be nothing. no, i refuse to falter and crumble just like that, with no fight at all because i am what my mom and dad made me to be. a perfectly healthy and capable lil' girl with the whole world to shape in her own hands.

how can i then just sit back and let the world shape me? how can i fail what my parents have made me to be. most importantly, how can i fail myself just like that, after coming so far already, i cannot just let it all go.

failures were meant to be for one to learn from and be better. that i shall be. i have to learn it the tough way and get on with life. results are everything in society now isn't it? you want it? i'll produce it. i will show you how i can actually do it as well or perhaps better than everyone else.

there now, i am willingly to try it all over again, this time with a much more determined heart, mind and soul. this time, i will get it right, start on the right foot and give my all.

i shall promise to keep my life a balance and never fail myself again. my birthday wish to myself will be to never ever fail myself.

there now, i'm begging of myself, give yourself much more needed faith that you will get through this doing well. you have so much more to offer than you can see for yourself.

something's wrong up on cloud number 9.

i am happy.

i am enjoying school because i have awesome friends.

i am enjoying work because nothing's really new, i still have great work mates.

i am contented.

i love where i am in life now.

'well the moon is up and the stars are bright and whatever comes gonna be alright.

cos' tonight you will be mine, up on cloud number nine.

and there ain't no place that i rather be and we can't go back but you're here with me.

yea the weather's really fine, up on cloud number nine.'

dear jon, i was at kovan today and although it's been 7 months since we broke up, i had that rush of sadness all too suddenly. everywhere had memories. it was painful at that moment. i felt the tears building up. i felt the urge to hold your hand again.

and i questioned myself again if i am alright, if i have have healed and move on.

dear jon, i took you so seriously. i loved like no other and i cared like i never did before. i dont want answers or explanations anymore. i know it was a fairytale that was never meant to happen. i just want you to know that it cut like a knife. it was real and i never felt such vivid pain before.

dear jon, i had so much to deal with and to heal from. the wound will always remain but it's better now. i'll still be here by you when you need a friend. i dont care if you ever bother anymore but i just wish you'd know how i really feel about us.

dear jon, p.s. i loved you.

i cant find my shoe bag and my lucky smily faced socks :(

you know how when you look someone right in the eyes and you feel a lil' something.

perhaps you could just be falling into something you never expected.

i was so scared when i woke up hearing you vomitting so hard and loud. it reminded me so much of when i was down with virus fever for a whole week and i thought i was dying. it also reminded me of when popo said goodbye to us for the last time before she left home for the hospital and never came back. i was so scared kor. i really was. i felt lost. and for the first time in a long while, i felt so much like when i was your kid sister again back when we were younger and closer. i've always wanted you to know that i love you so much and i've always looked up to you as my elder brother.

'i think about you in the summertime'

happy songs would make me feel good for abit but then the feeling just fades when it ends. i know i am darn right good enough to be treated way better. i know i deserve the best that i can ever get. i am worthy of everything. i have to think this way, because it's by far time that i shut the negative comments of myself out of me. gone gone gone are the days where i melt oh so easily. because of one who made me realize how horrible love can be. what really was or is the point anymore.

i dont wanna be no third party. i dont wanna be a rebound. i dont wanna be for the time being. i dont wanna be more in love than you are with me. because i think ive tried many ways to grasp this fucked up thing called love and its really horribly painful.

i just wanna lock myself up with chains everywhere and not fall in love anymore.

if you could see that i'm the one who understands you

been here all along so why can't you see

you belong with me, you belong with me.