music: sum41: with me

'life's a stage and all men and women, merely players.'as a little girl, i wanted to have every toy i saw. i wanted to play all day long and pretend that i was a princess in a fairytale.and i grew up to become a confuse teenager. everything seem to become problems that made me so scared and insecure of myself. and i grew up to know what being in love with someone was. many heartbreaks, many happy moments.
times, where i felt the world was coming down on me and i was just so drained and tired and lost, i just wanted to be home, hiding in arms that would make me so secure. (i never found it)
as i grew up more, things just got more complicated. i took up commitments which caused me my love life many a times. i was constantly busy but i was ok with it. i just needed to know that you were there by me. it make things so much better.
there were times i felt so alone, with no one but my commitments and just myself. i thought i was strong but it was times like this i saw how much of a fool i was to keep trying and believing that someone would come by and stay for long, without breaking my heart.
so here i am now, lingering alone, with my commitments and putting on my mask everyday. hey you, in my past blog entry, i thanked you for making me believe again and i was giving my one chance to you. i wonder if you ever saw that? i t doesnt matter now does it. i need to wake up.
stop and think. you keep asking me to grow up. am i that childish? cos if i was, would i have what i have today? would i be what i am today? maybe a failure in loving is more correct.
so there u go, with another and with your friends. i'm stranded in the rain. i hate rainy days. the sun, sand and sea calm my nerves for the moment, but the wound doesn't ever heal. so here i am, sitting with books that would bring me into the picture perfect world, one that doesn't exist. i try to take you away, it doesn't work. so here i am, wearing my mask on, ever so well.

i have a friend.

her name is CHRISTINA and she is awesome :)

i never thought we'd be so close but now that we are, i'm cherising every moment.

hey babes, cheer up cos' there so many out there who wants to see us smile.

HI SAMANTHA HALLEY. I'M BLOGGING ABOUT YOU NOW :)
SATURDAY WAS SO COOL. WE SHOULD LIKE MAKE IT A WEEKLY AFFAIR.


xoxoJIN

now honestly tell me.

have you felt insecure cos i don't love you right?
have i not been there for you when you needed me?
have i made you feel that you were so unworthy of me?
have i not brought joy into your life?
did the text messages not make your day?
was the palyfulness in me what you hated?
was my character too loud for you?
was my hair too dry for you?
was my height not tall enough for you?
were my braces not appealing?
were my commitments too tiring for you to handle?
was i too boring for you?
did i demand too much?
did i compare you?

the list goes on...





hey you, looking so fly, you got me smiling and i don't know why.
hey you, making me all shy, i'm blushing right now and i can't say why.
hey you, making me so scared, i'm trying to make you stay everyday, so tell me you'll be mine.
hey you, you make me laugh and feel good, tell me now that you feel the same way too.
hey you, i never meant to make you mad and sad, please hold me close again so i can make those promises to you come true.


i love you none the lesser but more.

music: marie carey: byebye

i never meant to hurt you and i never meant for myself to hurt like this either.

i'm missing you but things aren't the same anymore.

friends cheer me up, but it's for the moment.

i guess you mean so much.

i'm sorry.

i guess i never stopped forgiving myself.

come home now, will you?

-FYP from 10am to 4pm, with a mock presentation with HuiShin at 12pm.
-Home at 6pm
-He dropped by at 830pm
-Created a fight at 10pm with him
-Supper with Nat at 1130pm
-Home again at 3am


i'm sorry hon.

music: usher feat yound jeezy: love in this club

finally, i'm so done with my individual report for FYP (I). it's a hude weight off me i swear. for days, i've been been so good, sitting glued in front of my laptop and concentrating real hard. books at one side, notebooks and pens on the other. i seldom move in case i lost a huge chuck of time. i've not been so stress, tired and drained in such a long time. i'm just so glad that the report is over. phew!

and when i finally break free from all your abuse, i'll run away and never come back.
time will tell.
i've had enough because if you don't respect even yourselves, how can you raise me good?

'i rushed down to see you holding hands with another. you were smiling and all happy.'
how was i to feel?
tell me.

sad songs.

sad songs helps me cry, it helps me reflect on what i have done and leave me to regret. but sad songs sometimes make me strong, makes me determined and makes me want to change, and be better. at this point in my life, i don't know anything anymore. how i am, what i want, i'm unsure. i need guidance, no doubt about that. right now, i'll take a step at a time, i'll be a better person, this i promise, you, my friends, my family and the world.

as i was stressing over my fyp, i had a chat with ivor.
j i n . z says:
have u ever regretted anything youve done?
[i-vor] says:
wat sense?
j i n . z says:
anything
[i-vor] says:
yes of course
[i-vor] says:
how to not live without regrets?
[i-vor] says:
we are humans! not that perfect after al
[i-vor] says:
*all
j i n . z says:
right ok
j i n . z says:
so what do u do
j i n . z says:
move on?
j i n . z says:
and just leave it all
[i-vor] says:
learn n move on
[i-vor] says:
afterall whats done is done
j i n . z says:
will time heal?
j i n . z says:
i mean will someone ever forget fully abt something
[i-vor] says:
not if that person is trying very hard to forget
[i-vor] says:
sometimes trying too hard about something does give you the opposite reaction
j i n . z says:
so what then
j i n . z says:
i mean
j i n . z says:
just go with whatever that comes
j i n . z says:
and hope things get better?
[i-vor] says:
go with the flow and let time do the rest?
j i n . z says:
hmm..alrights
[i-vor] says:
dont worry!
j i n . z says:
yea
j i n . z says:
i know
j i n . z says:
it's just the process of learning
j i n . z says:
haha
[i-vor] says:
nah.. its the process of life
[i-vor] says:
hah
j i n . z says:
yea
j i n . z says:
and i hate the unhappy parts
[i-vor] says:
haha
[i-vor] says:
learn to appreciate them?
j i n . z says:
how can someone appreciate unhappy things?
j i n . z says:
i mean they should regret and learn from it
[i-vor] says:
well in the midst of it, dont be all dead and dying? but instead know that okay, things have happened, how to make it better now? and just face the music! knowing that it will be over does help
j i n . z says:
but at times ppl still hope for a miracle right
j i n . z says:
so how then can u convince oneself that it is over
[i-vor] says:
i guess at some point, the act of hoping for a miracle proves that the person still is holding on to it
j i n . z says:
yea
j i n . z says:
so should a person hold on or let go
j i n . z says:
which is correct
[i-vor] says:
there is no correct answer silly
[i-vor] says:
its all up to ya to judge but one thing is that its not always about holding on but letting go. if its meant to be, it wont need one to cling on it
j i n . z says:
true
j i n . z says:
and words can only mean so much right, i mean a person can make up his or her mind about something but at the end of it all still change taht fact
[i-vor] says:
yeps
[i-vor] says:
saying, thinking, deciding is a big difference from doing
j i n . z says:
and what if someone actually say and does it?
j i n . z says:
can it still change?
[i-vor] says:
it shouldnt
j i n . z says:
really
j i n . z says:
ok
[i-vor] says:
so what have ya decided?
j i n . z says:
huh?
j i n . z says:
nah im just aking
[i-vor] says:
haha
j i n . z says:
pt is i wanna know if people's mindset still changes even after they have made a decision and done it
[i-vor] says:
hah
[i-vor] says:
okayy
[i-vor] says:
but each of us function and think differently
j i n . z says:
u know like suddenlythey felt they thought wrong
j i n . z says:
yea

and then johann came along and while asking how i was, he let me read a someone's blog.
http://memyselfmine.blogspot.com/
it's about this girl who lost her boyfriend while he was in the army. i don't know how many of you know about this incident but read it. it sure is saddening. i teared and sobbed, relating it to what i was going through.

least now i know you're still here in the world and i can still see and feel you around unlike her. it's a blessing that i should be contented about. for all that has happened and i have done wrong, i'll be sure to cherish whatever comes now.

hey there, the doors are still open, come on in whenever you want.

music: buckcherry: sorry

hey there, if you are reading this, i just want to let you know how much i miss you and i want to care. the memories are flooding back, the good and the bad. everything i do and everywhere i go, there's you. you are a gem, one i made ugly. one i took for granted and now i'm living in regret. you made me realise how horrible of a person i am. i'll never be good. i question myself everyday now, about what i want. there's only one answer, to have you.

this song, this song you sent when you were feeling like crap and i was not giving two fucks about you, is now the song that plays on and on for me. it's been ten months, so close to a year. looking back, it seems like forever. all the happiness, the ugly fights, the insecurities and what not finally made you stop loving. you are tired, you have moved on.

i keep telling myself now that it is my fault and it really is. i keep telling myself you were always there and i looked right past it. i'm to be blamed, i'm a let down to you and myself.

for all that i've done, i wanna make it up. for all that you have said, i still want it to come through. the friendster messages and the sweet smses, i hope one day i'll get again. i want to still be the only one you need, your air. i wanna watch the notebook and cry again in your arms. i wanna get those cute letters you write to me. i want your lego collection. i want to cuddle in you. i want to kiss you. i want you to need me. i want you in my life.

if i could, i'd write you letters telling you i'm sorry everyday, just like i did when you were away. if i could, i would leave you little gifts now and then. but i'm afraid of making you mad. i'm afraid of loosing you for good. how you cried for me then, i will never get again.

i can only apologize now. i'm sorry baby.

music: riahana: take a bow

'but you on quite a show
really had me going
now it's time to go
curtains finally closing
that was quite a show
very entertaining
but it's over now
go on and take a bow'

the weekend had been awesome! it was to tioman for my advance diving course with the school. it was so fun, what with seeing all the marine plants and animals. the company was great too. met new people who all shared common interest to do with the big blue sea :) pictures to be uploaded soon!

osim triathlon's this saturday and chris and i went to collect our race kits at roxy square today. it was drizzling when i was cycling there. bummer. anyways, my bike's over at her place now. i'll see it on friday again.

fyp is the big stress on me now..then again, it has always been. i so can't wait till it's over.

band of brothers: sentosa outing!

two years ago when i first joined sentosa's beach patrol, i was so different. i was shy and pretty quiet. everything was new and everyone seemed to be so foreign and mature. i felt intimidated i must say, for the working environment was filled with big guys who looked like they would smash me anytime.

and along the way, of course i made friends. i realize how wonderful the team was and how colourful it was to be part of the team because it was filled with different people of different personality and character. it was fun and it was precious.

thinking back, i can still recall so much. the stupid times and the serious ones. at beach patrol, learnt and i grew. things have changed no doubt about it, but i'm glad that there is still a group of us who stay together, no matter how much time we do not have for each other, i know and you all know that we'll still be there for each other :)

the recent outing we had was to sentosa to slack.

this is jason. i met him when he was in tp still. he had long hair then but now that he's serving the nation and doing us very proud, he has lost his locks. haa!
and here we have adrian. he's from np and he's got a girlfriend that is so smart and sporty that i'd kill to be just like her.
over here, we have augustine, our resident barney. he loves purple. from the purple crocs to the pruple whistle, you wouldn't miss out on him.
this, this is sebastian. he has many nick names, such as sebby crab, tim and etc. he's a walking subway according to many, what with him bring sandwiches with him to work. on the day the group of us decided to pig out and have fun, our dear brother, haosheng was on tower working. but to make up for it all, we shared our food with him. see we're so caring and nice.ian and adrian like to act cool all the time. seriously. HAHAHA!

when we tried to take a group photo with the help of two girls whom the guys were making a big hoo-haa over, they all decided that they wanted to block me. i'm in the photos i swear, just that the guys were too fat and managed to block me. bummer.then they decided to turn to their disgusting sick ways where they check each other out and act gay. see how happy they are. ewww!we attempted to play volleyball and i'd say we had much fun picking balls instead. of course we soon got tired and decided to cam whore (yes, guys are vain too.) as usual, they were all trying to block me out of the photos. try harder next time!we soon got lazy and the guys just sat around and played cards and not to mentioned eat! but sebby, me and jason decided to have have some girly talk. LOL.

we had dinner at haroborfront mall. everyone was burnt and slapping loads of alova vera on their red skin.you see at the end of the day, i love you guys very much. you've all been there surprising me for my eighteen and ninteen birthday and i really appreciate it all. when i'm happy or when i'm upset, you were all there. no one left anyone behind. please keep being there. even when i get married ok? HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

music: leona lewis: bleeding love

yesterday was NUS invitational championships. i'm utterly speechless, demoralised, tired out and terribly upset with my performance. out of six events that i took, i had two disqualifications because of my manikin towing. sigh! it really wasn't my best performance yesterday...perhaps, it was my worst. anyways, so many new faces and suddenly i feel old. pictures and more details to be uploaded soon!




i can't help but say i'm sorry for the way i acted, but really, you hurt me, somehow. maybe i'm sensitive, maybe it's all gotta do with me. maybe i'm stress and i just needed to feel your arms around me, someone to stroke my hair and someone to love me for real. baby i don't really feel it's real. i wanted you to be with me. but why does it seem that you are clueless? why doesn't it seem that you are so distant? but i love you so much.

to a friend, who's been there for 11 years and counting :)

hi dawn, i love you so much. you are my bestie and nothing's gonna change the friendship that we have. i promise when i get married, you'll be my bridesmaid ok?

we look good in pictures even though you're always so tall.

i like how comfortable we are with each other till the extent that we simply don't dress up anymore because we know it's just each other we're gonna meet. of course there's the burping and all too...

so, on days we hang out, i always screw things up but you take me anyhow. sentosa with you were always awesome, especially when we played volleyball and you whine saying how much you were aching the next day. HAHA!


to a bestie, who was always there, maybe not physically all the time but i know you were always there by me :) thanks you dawn khoo.

music: melanie c: already gone

because i was so afraid that you were just another him.
i try to fight the thoughts, i said you were really different.
i smile and i laugh my heart out but at the end of the day, i stop and tell myself it's all too good to be true.



won't someone out there take me by the hand and tell me to stay forever in their arms?